Living with Intensity..... ON Purpose! Tina Dezsi Journey

I Can Achieve Stories

2011-08-05T19:36:00.000-04:00

I Can Achieve Stories . I need your help! Starting Monday, August 8th.. I need you to spend 1 minute of your time voting for me every day.. My staff and friend, Anna Goddard entered me into a contest to win $15,000!!! How amazing is that! $15,000 would help us get the Full Life Centre off the ground!! Please share the link and vote vote vote... this centre will help so many families, seniors and the community!! Please take a minute and check it out!
thanks
Tina

A little extra never hurts right?

2011-07-06T11:14:00.000-04:00

Imagine..... 2 funerals in the same week... a friend tells me he has 2 funerals in one week... I hope we all learn to celebrate the life and not the loss... I find people tend to hang onto the latter more... stay in that place a long time and forget the moments, the memories they had.. the life that person lead... although loss is real, and nothing words can diminish my hope for others is that they hold on tight to the fond memories and celebrate the life...

Life.. it's a wonderful thing isn't it? Death... how do we feel about that... do we fear it, do we actually respect it for what it is... do we understand or believe in life after.. is it better... is there nothing.. is this all there is and God gave us this gift to live to it's fullest?? I ponder this.... we steer ourselves in directions of things we should and should not do... we make up the moments of our lives with choices.... we hold ourselves in places of fear, lack and anxiety, we test the waters and only when it's warm do we even jump in.... we are a funny bunch us humans aren't we???

My grandmother is failing and we are concerned for sure... 97 years she has been on this planet....I have such fond memories of her... as her memory fails and she goes back in time to memories of being a young girl, of me as a little girl, of my dad and uncle as children I wonder if that is God's plan to help remember the wonderful life she has been blessed with... I don't know.. maybe it's just me trying hard to find the solace in it... so that my heart won't break... and my legs don't go weak and I lose sight of those amazing memories and time I was blessed with having with her... who on the planet at days from her 48th birthday has her grandmother... who just months from his wedding, just months from his 29th bday has his great-grandmother... not many... not many indeed....

I am starting to share my new journey.... my weight loss journey... I have lost 10lbs on the button... 16 inches gone so far... 2700 to go now( no really it's only 55)... not bad.. this morning I walked 4000 steps which is 1.9miles... I am trying every day to outdo my own best.. I am competing with myself to lose weight and feel better.. imagine that.... my personal best must get better every single day... I am so proud of myself over the last 4 weeks... on a mission... oh yes I am.. no letting myself down... cause I am the most important person in my life... health, strength, stamina are what it takes to live your dreams... without these I am not sure how anyone can accomplish their goals... laser focus, vision and action take work...

When the centre opens I will be adding yoga, zoomba and more to my fitness... but.. I had to start somewhere and walking in the morning with my puppy is fun... OMG I said it... me who hates to exercise, me who sleeps so terribly, me who loves comfort.... ya me... I have done well on this 4 week journey so far.. have ways to go.....what I know for sure... I am not just losing weight to look better.. I am doing it to save my life.. to feel my optimum best... shedding the pounds, shedding all the other junk in the trunk that is not needed... all the baggage..

Today is my 6 month follow up mammogram and ultrasound.. wish me luck... I don't really need it because I am all good.... however.... alittle extra never hurts.... right?

I think my brain is lacking oxygen with this dieting thing!

2011-07-04T13:23:00.000-04:00

Do you ever have those days where you just feel like crawling back into bed and waking up on Friday? Today is one of those for me... I started out OK.. knowing I walked 8070 steps yesterday.. worked my butt off in the yard and ate so well.. I was on a good track..

So, yup you guessed it.. I am on this weight loss plan and on Wed it's 4 weeks... I need to weigh in on Tuesday this week.. and I better be at 10lbs down... last week I was at 8.5lbs.. just not good enough.. OK so I have given up wine (almost unbearably and for now only... under duress I might add) which I think contributes to my irritably... not that I am a boozer but I do like to indulge in a good glass of Shiraz on the patio! I am not eating ice cream, chips or even buns with a homemade burger, only 1 coffee a day, drinking tons and tons of lemon water and I am only 4 weeks in and I hate it big time!!!!!!!!!!!

Trying to swallow a million vitamins and throwing them back up into the sink every single time I take them and exercise... have I mentioned I hate to exercise... blah blah.. it makes you feel better.. yup it does... I am starting the day off with a 3000-4000 step walk with my puppy... but.... I have to admit I would rather sit on my patio and enjoy coffee in my garden... oh yes I would...

OK, whose fault is this anyway... who ate whatever she wanted when she wanted, drank wine whenever she wanted and enjoyed her life to the tune of 65lbs over a healthy happy weight.. ummm that would be me!!!!!!!! ya me... OK OK.. but man, I still want to live my life and depriving myself of everything is making me miserable, testy and wanting to eat Ossie's arm.. and I am paying big bucks to do this..... am I nuts.... oh yes I believe I am............

Everything appears to be too much right now... I have lost my positivity today.... I feel like I have this dark little cloud following me around.. is it lack of food... business sucks right now too... pressure of big decisions are scaring the hell out of me and making me waiver due to doubting myself... is it lack of food or because my blood pressure has dropped so low there is no oxygen getting to my brain...

I gave it up this morning to my maker and asked for a sign that I am on the right track and that everything will be OK... waiting... waiting.... waiting...

So... what is it that I do want:

to lose 30lbs by my son's wedding which is Sept 10th... I have 10 weeks which would mean 2lbs a week.. how do I do that logically - eat in the diet only, drink no wine (dammit) exercise 10,000 steps a day, sleep properly, yoga, meditate and visualize the end result...
to increase the business by 30% over the next month and to bring in all the receivables owed now - roll out the marketing plan to start tomorrow...
get past my fear, step into what I want to do now.. get the centre stuff sorted...
finish my book!!!
enjoy my life, take care of my health and be....
all of this means I need to schedule things in my life to get it all in... OK OK...

OK that doesn't sound to hard does it... ya ya.. today I am going to breathe...... just breathe!!!!

Like the Song says "What will be will be."

2011-06-22T15:03:00.000-04:00

I make plans and then something unexpected happens and I have to make it up as I go… plans are necessary but they can only act as a guide… an outline if you will…. Then I need to fill in the blanks….

Sometimes I have issues moving on from something.. something that bothered me.. something someone said or did…. Something that has me troubled…. something I am truly finished with.... And I finally realized why…… oh sometimes it takes one little thing to make me see that the fog lifted along time ago but I didn’t let it go…. I was hanging onto an ending… reliving it over and over.. the pain around it… the feelings of sorrow around it…I had not given myself the appropriate time to digest all of it.... not properly...

How do you know when you are done? I mean really done…. When you keep bringing up feelings of shame and guilt… and really not allowing yourself to move past…wondering why the path you chose is stuck... not understanding that you are the one stuck… you are causing the standstill…. Because you are hanging onto the ending... the pain... the sorrow… the moment it ended…

I will be honest with you… I didn’t get this either….I was done with something that had been such a powerful part of my life and because I hung on way past its sell by date… I became bitter, resentful and done... and I was angry - projecting it everywhere in my life... and not getting it... not letting it happen and letting it go... I was fighting everything inside and outside of me... trying to hang onto what... what was not making me happy... what was physically and mentally draining me... and what happens.. Physical things... when you are not paying attention the Mack truck broadsides you big time...

Then lets talk guilt... oh ya… the guilt... living it over and over... because we are letting others down... I know that I am a big giver... that I would give away everything to help someone else or I would give up all my energy so that someone else can have it.. and I didn’t see how much I was doing that.. and how it was affecting me mentally and physically...and when I couldn't do it anymore... I felt guilty and did it anyway... and guess who suffered for it...

It’s like the weight thing for me… I have to lose 65lbs now (well actually 59 cause I just lost 6 on my new plan...) I think I am finally getting it... I have spent so much of my life obsessing about it but at the same time trying hard not to think about it... I spent most of my life depriving my body by skipping meals and pretending I was a machine that didn’t need to eat….. look at me superhuman energizer bunny who could live on air or coffee whichever was available at the time...

At the same time I was embarrassed about the fact that I like it... I didn’t want to put emphasis on food which in turn does the opposite.... I didn’t want people to know I ate (its like pooping for some women... lets not let anyone know we poop….hey going to do a blog about this one for sure...) because then they would know I am not perfect… not that you can’t see it in my clothes…

I have come to the conclusion that it’s all ok... I eat, I poop, I make mistakes, I make choices that others may not like, and guilt and shame have no place in my day… I have to go forward and let it happen… letting go of hanging onto those endings that no longer fit into my life… or the ones that just need to happen… the end of a position, the end of the extra weight, the end of some relationships and a focus on new beginnings… new starts…. New joys…. Yup…. Letting it be…

I urge you to discover what endings you are hanging onto… ask yourself why… look deep into the heart of why you hang onto the sorrow instead of the memories before the ending… meditate with it… and then allow yourself to let it happen… fall into it and let it be… like the song said “What will be will be……”

Changing the World is a Big Job.. One that I Choose to take on in my own way!

2011-06-11T13:46:00.000-04:00

Have you ever had an experience that you want to live over and over again? You can't get it out of your head no matter what you try..... You close your eyes and you see it all in living colour with every minute detail as real as if you were there? Conversations, laughter, smiles on peoples faces, the smells, the tastes, the music and the hugs.. oh yes the warm embraces.... ahhhh I wish I could turn back time to Tuesday night, the Stilettos for the Cure event... our first one... what an incredible night it was....

You know you are following the right path when everything flows with ease... from inception to completion it flowed... it all fell into place with the most incredible team, the decor, the entertainment, the cake, the yummy candy and goodies, the shoes...Rocky's choice of first song to introduce Tamara and I.. (Today I'm Gonna Try and Change the World), and the amazing people who supported and attended... I am proud, exhilarated and tired.... all at the same time... and... can't wait to announce next year's event info....

Changing the world is a big job... and one that not everyone is willing to take on.. this I know to be true... I see apathy everywhere and it makes me sad... I know people in general want change to happen around them... they see things that tug at their heart, they feel that it's wrong but they don't do anything about it... beyond their own lives...

I know that everything on our planet started with an idea... a small thought in someones brain, they spoke it.... possibly to ridicule and snide remarks of no can do but... they pushed and persevered and made it happen... all good things you have in your life, from your brick home to your car, your lovely shoes, the lamps in your home, your leather couch, the coffee cup you drank out of this morning, the makeup you put on your face, the toothpaste you brushed your teeth with, the phone you called your loved one with today, the cell phone you texted with... all of it...

This is my pledge to me and my world.... I will continue to look positively toward the change I want to see in the world... I promise to myself and my maker that what I can change, what I can be the start of, what I can make happen I will... I will not back down from comments... from jealousies.... from small thinking... from apathy..... from those that tell me I can't.... What I know for sure...What I hold tight to.... what I live my life by... no matter what... when I am told I can't... maybe you can't.... but... I know for sure that I so can and I will.....

Our society is one that enables us to fit it.. no.. it actually promotes it... from the clothes we wear that match everyone elses, just to be on trend, in style... to blending in with our neighbours and not standing out... oh we don't want to stand out... what will they all think... I say to hell with them.. who are they anyway.... and guess what, rock the boat and you will be the flavour of the moment for just a moment.. trust me... people only focus on you for a minute, talk about their perception of the bad thing you did (in whose eyes again) and then they move onto some other poor person who does something that doesn't fit with their agenda... Most people who criticize and complain could not do a better job and truth is they would never be that one to stand out anyway...

So do it anyway... stand out and be the change... the idea you have, the desire you have to make a difference... Step out... speak your idea loudly... please do it... don't let apathy and fear be your driver.. let love and change be what drives you....

The world, your world will be a better place because you chose to be the change....

Sometimes you slip..

2011-06-04T09:50:00.000-04:00

OK OK bad habits die hard... how do you go your whole life one way and then expect to change it all overnight... you can't.. well I can't... it's so easy to slip back into old habits good or bad that you don't even realize you are doing it...

I am guilty.. OK I admit it... I am guilty of doing this more often then not... pondering is it just that I am lazy or is it the devil I know or is it that these habits and ways are so ingrained in my everyday me that I can't get past them... I talk myself into them and then I beat myself up for doing it... it's a vicious circle that goes on... like a merry-go-round... round and round I go...

Recognizing the habit as one you need to change is first... acknowledging it and being aware of it every single time you do it or just the thought of it crops up is the first step.. ya ya Dr Philism here... but really what if you just feel that it's a part of you... like always needing to do something or being on the move... never being able to just sit and be... what the hell is that?? Who can do that... is that normal.. what is that all about anyway.. why would you want to just sit... why not do something with your hands.. sew, make jewelry, write cards, fold laundry, find a recipe, do your taxes, read Oprah mag, stuff envelopes or something anything.. not sure why or how you could just sit there.. nope that is not possible....

Well, for me it's not possible.. relax and do nothing.. um just ain't gonna happen in this life.. so in the spirit of having to do something all the time... I push.. push myself as hard as I can and then crash and burn... OK OK so I caught it..

I slipped back into an old habit so easily it was like brushing my teeth... it's just something I know... but now I struggle with wondering if it is so bad.. I like to be busy.. I can't just sit and rot... that's not me... I like to be involved and help out.. I love to lend a hand, organize and be in the thick of things... is there anything wrong with that.. I want to experience all that I can.. every breathable moment for me is a chance to be the change for our world... is there anything wrong with that.... I want to live while I am alive right... nothing wrong with that....

OK OK but it doesn't have to be a warp speed... that's the real issue here... moving at a pace that is crazy and too much for a 20 year old to keep up with... this is a habit that is hard to break when it's in your makeup... it's just part of you..

I take my time in the morning.. that's my gift to me for working hard 14+ hours a day for 5 years and now.. I want to take my time in the morning and that's that... If I am somewhere that I have to get up I will, if not so be it... sipping coffee and taking my time.. that is how I choose to spend my mornings... taking the pup for a walk, doing some yoga and then maybe getting my butt in gear...

OK... I get it... slow down and do it a normal human pace... OK OK...
so off I go with a list of a million things to do before I join my friends at Julia's cottage... ah well I tried for a minute... I am aware, I do acknowledge... now off I go....

Life doesn't come with the option of "do overs" so enjoy it now!

2011-05-21T10:25:00.000-04:00

WHAT IF? What if this moment in time was frozen... suspended like the movie the Matrix.... what if you could do that anytime you wanted?????

What if we could go back and "do over" mistakes we have made that cost us money, friendships, hardships or other things we regret.... What if you could turn back time to a younger more fit you...... What if you could go to a time when your children were young and sleeping in their beds safe and sound under your wing.......a place where you didn't rush the bedtime story to go do the dishes... a place where you could smell their hair, lay beside them listening to their delight over the simplest little thing.. the sound of their giggle... their dreams... and you were not tired from a day of doing too much and having to fit it all in....

What if life was like a bowl of cherries or a box of chocolates or just like the game of golf... when you play with friends and can "do over" your shot...

Was there a time in your life when you recall being.... just happy..... happy, fulfilled, satisfied.... you had everything you needed, all that you wanted, money was not an issue..... life was sweet......

I have spent my life chasing.... chasing what? Chasing everything..... This morning it occurred to me that my life has been a hurry up and wait sometimes and a hurry up, get done and move onto the next thing... quickly... please make it quick... snap to it.... I also learned how to do things well, perfect in fact while I worked quickly..... I do believe we are born with certain talents, aptitudes and abilities that need to be molded and brought out of us..... I became so good at working at warp speed that looking back over the last 30 years is a blur.... there were highlights but alas.... they went so fast I can only see a flash...

Is that what a memory is... a flash... does my 97 year old grandmother see flashes or does she remember in colour... does she remember all the times when my grandfather wanted her to go for a walk but she had to clean the house, do the laundry, do the cooking, look after her brother who lived there...... the times when he sat in the car and sulked because he wanted her to go to the CNE or for an easy Sunday drive for ice cream and she was just too busy..... and now that he is gone... 39 years ago does she think.... I should have... oh if I could just go back and "do over" those times, I would have spent every single minute enjoying him and my family........

I realized today that I can't go back and "do over" however I can go forward and make certain that when I am 97, God willing I will live a long and healthy life... I won't look over the next 49 years and wish I could "do over" because I lived them.... every single moment... not wished them away to hurry up and get to that thing I have been waiting for, planning and living in that future moment instead of living each and every one up to it... it's the moments in between that also create memories......in colourful splendor.... opening up like the flowers in my garden.... slowly.. like the Matrix.... each movement unfolding.....

If I learned nothing over the last 7 months... it's to be in this moment fully... OK I am human.. I forget... sometimes I allow myself to over-schedule, run at warp speed from one thing to another... life in my before Tina... where I get one thing done and quickly clap my hands, don't stay too long in the joy and move onto the next... yes of course old habits die hard and truth is..... sometimes the need for that will prevail.... but.... big but.... when it comes to sitting outside enjoying my garden, my dog, my Ossie in all his male glory... I don't want any "do overs"..I want to enjoy this incredible moment now.... I choose to be in the colourful moment so that I will look back and remember it just as it was... simply and lovely.....

Oh and.... the happiest time of my life is right here and right now... I have amazing moments in the past too however.... right now this moment... I am delighted to have the awareness now to just enjoy it.. the bumblebee outside my window... hovering as if suspended.... my cat sitting in front of the window like a statue watching the bee... the clematis vine with buds about to burst.... the gentle warm breeze flowing through my window.... the dog wandering around with his nails clicking on the floor.... Ossie with all his morning noises, even he first coffee slurps... my little table that my laptop sits on squeaks as I type....the taste of my coffee..... how simply lovely...

Just happy.....

Living a life with worry... of "What they might Think" NO MORE!

2011-05-16T10:46:00.000-04:00

Have you ever felt small.... like you don't exist in a crowd.... insignificant... unvalidated.... like you should be doing more...like you need to be the one to go above and beyond... more so then any other person on this planet.... and for some reason enough is never enough.... in order for people to notice you or pay attention, you must do great big things?

What if it didn't matter? What if whatever you did or gave, they will take... that there is no end in sight... that you had to give and give and then when you were spent you had to give some more.... what if what you gave never reached the brim... simply because whenever you filled it up they took all they could get and then left you with the empty cup to fill it up again... no regard...

And when you stop... when you claim enough is enough.. that its done... that you have given all you can and your reserves are empty... they get angry.... they talk behind your back, make up stories and smile at your face.... it was all fine when you were giving to them..... then you feel guilt...

Stop the presses! This is not your problem... wasn't and isn't.... first off lets go back to a very early post I wrote.. "What they (whoever) thinks of me or you is NONE OF MY BUSINESS" let me say this in other terms.... in a day in my life or your life.... how significant are those people to your success... to who you are and does it really matter if you know that you have something to fulfil here on this planet.... that what you are doing is right and will benefit others as well as yourself.... What they think is their business... let them talk, chatter, gossip whatever it may be...

I think many of us live with a worry of "what they might think" and because of this never achieve the great things they could, dream of and were meant to.... we are so afraid of not being liked, stepping on someone else's toes that we live a life of servitude in a position that is not paid.... we freeze, afraid to step outside their ideas of us... oh they will talk about me now.... who cares?? when you go to bed at night do they go with you? Do they care? NOPE!! They stand in judgement of you... period...

Time to strengthen your belief, put on your superpower cape, put up your protective shield and walk mightily towards your goals... being fully aware of who you are, what you believe about yourself, your gifts, holding your dreams and plans close... keeping your eye on your prize.... being only with people who believe in you.. who can see your truth.... who offer support.... whom you trust....

Keep going... keep the shield up... just like the little girl in the coffee commercial does... start your day with vibrancy... love yourself... love your hair, love your life, love your house, love your kids, your parents, love your cat, love your dog, love your mirror, love your floor..... love the light you offer to the world, love your abilities, love your maker and believe.... believe in you....

Positively without a doubt you.. you of all people, will change the world as we know it right now.... you and me have much to give first... much to take second... for what you give comes back ten fold.... trust.... belief....

I believe and sometimes need reminding... no mistakes... every time a thought such as this comes to me... I know it is meant for me first and then for me to share... ok... superpower cape on, protective shields up, 10 feet tall and bullet proof (well ok word proof).........

10,000 Reps before you master the steps?? Really??

2011-05-09T10:49:00.000-04:00

Well here I sit on my son's couch feeling blessed... How fortunate I am to be able to take a week off from my office.. notice I didn't say work... (have laptop will travel) and come up here to help take care of my future daughter-in-law who just had major hip surgery on Tuesday... the poor thing is in so much pain, can barely get around, is in a brace and hooked up to an ice machine...

She was born with hip displasia and it was degenerating very quickly causing this 29 year old much pain.... she opted to get the one hip done now (before their Sept 10th wedding) and then the other one some time after the wedding.... imagine living 29 years in such pain... not to mention the next few months of intense rehab to follow now...

We all complain about things in our life that makes us uncomfortable but... if you are healthy and the body works well... you have nothing to complain about... I look at my 97 year old grandmother and her stiffness and arthritis is the worst part of the aging.. and for me it's painful to watch her... I used to get weak at the knees and my legs ached (I know that sounds funny) when my kids got hurt.... or when family or a friend hurt themselves... I had a hard time looking because of it... I felt it... it made me sad.... and forget it if an animal is hurt... I can't breathe....

As I get older its less intense for me.. hmmm am I just getting used to it.. have I seen enough to harden me to it.... have I lived it enough myself to just get over it.... I don't think so... I believe when you are called to action... you do what you gotta do... not that it doesn't pull at your heart.. or your knees go weak.. or you want to save that person or animal from pain.. no not that at all... I think as I age, I am getting stronger.... more able to be stronger for others... not such a wienie..... and not to react so violently in my own mind and body.... my heart still aches and I still want to save them but somehow age brings with it a wisdom that allows us to adapt to a situation.. bringing the strength needed at that moment to be who you need to be right then and there...

I also know having been through numerous surgeries and incidents in my own life... is proof.. that healing can happen as it should when you let it... when you flow with the natural progression of things, you allow the process to happen at a rate it is supposed to happen at.... and for those of us that want to save others from pain...... just need to go with the flow as well.... allow nature to take its course... feed them, keep them calm and comfortable and ensure they are taken care of... and the biggie.... not to take the pain away from them.... nor the lessons that they will learn from the pain.....

Even though, especially your children... you don't want to see them hurting... in any way.... it worries you... concern for them can consume you....but....... you have lived to become the incredible person you are.... you have learned from your deepest sorrow, the greatest joys, the massive mistakes, the amazing triumphs and you have survived.... no, more then survived you have grown.... you have battle wounds and scars that remind you of all of these things... you have tattoos on your brain and your heart to commemorate every little thing.... you have walked inside the fire when you felt compelled and outside the fire when you were too afraid of getting burned.... but all in all you, yes you, have developed into an incredible being that has learned lessons in life that make you who you are... we are all the sum of our experiences...

I read yesterday in Oprah mag someone saying we are not born with innate abilities and talents in us.. that it take repetition and practice to be good at something... that you have to do something 10,000 times to become a master at it... hmmm can the same be said for life...

If that's the truth then are any of us really masters at anything... I say bring it on... bring them on... let me learn as I live... let me live as I learn... let me give with all my heart... let the ache happen as it should and give me the strength to help others do the same...

Ahhhhh, there is alot of life, hurt, joy, mistakes and triumphs for me to learn.... bring it on.....

We are the Keeper of the Insanity... Letting the lemons rot....

2011-05-04T10:31:00.000-04:00

Generosity abounds... I am blessed by it.....in and from myself... I believe that giving first is the rule that I live my life by.... the people around me, those that I consider to be friends and of course my loved ones.... I see it.... my mother told me years ago........ like attracts like... those that we choose to surround ourselves with are a mirror of us... you know the old saying "you are known by the company that you keep..."

I see and hear things all the time that tug at my heart.... people suffering at the hands or mouths (because gossip is just as bad in my books) of another human being... makes me wonder where inside that person does such an intense anger come from.... to unleash it upon another human or animal is beyond my comprehension... I know from my own years of learning, reading and listening that it's more about control... controlling others due to lack of control in their own lives..... but come on... we can analyze it anyway you like, slice it up and put a meaning to it, shrink it into a nice tidy little box with a label all you like but it's just plain nasty.... vile.... disgusting....

In my life, on my little piece of the planet I know that I have the opportunity to make a difference... to speak up, to get involved, to act on things I want to change.... to be the change first.... and this is compelling to me.... I see complacency all around me, I shake my head, I can't really understand it but I understand it exists in each of us.... we are the keeper of this insanity.... we find a spot, make it comfy, snuggle in, hunker down and stay put..... oh we hear things, we see things, we smell things that we don't like..... that disgust us but.......... we are just too comfy in what we believe to be comfort in our little piece of the world to really make a difference... to change ourselves first....

I sometimes wish that things that I hear or see didn't affect me so much... that I could just be comfy where I am at this moment... but... there is a truth that I can't deny... I just can't.... I am born to be the change.... this is who I am.... I was given gifts and talents to use for the good of myself, my family and my fellow human.....(animals too) and I am obligated to do it... in my world there is no choice....

I truly understood the meaning of "When Life gives you lemons" last week... I was driving along and this flashed in my brain practically yelling at myself I said "Oh my, I am making lemonade....." I get it... Thank you God... I finally get it... I have heard it before.. even thought I got it before... but last week 2 months from my 48th birthday..... I truly got it....

I was so thrilled by this... and being someone who needs to be with something she has discovered on a deeper level.... something profound that literally makes my heart skip a beat......before I share it with enthusiasm....... I love to hang onto the thought.. with excitement of the revelation... like a hard candy, I savour it, let it roll around in my mind, let it's complexity unfold simply, discover the profoundness in the moment and the thought until I feel, I really believe I have understood it's meaning in my life.......

Lately, I have had many of these such moments... however this one... was huge to me.... I wish I could share that moment with everyone... allowing you to feel it the way I felt it.... I wish I could take you through the peeling of the layers as I discovered it's simplicity... but alas I can explain it but you have to explore it in the depths of your own mind...

Some of us are born to be caretakers, advocates, leaders and keepers of the strength..... knowing that whatever life hands you, whatever you choose, how that looks, how it unfolds is your responsibility... making lemonade may be difficult at the moment... however it is much better then letting those lovely lemons rot while it's within your control to create something yummy..... to share it... to feed others... now that's the key.. that's the piece that rocks the world.... that's the ticket that stands up, owns it and makes changes... that's what generosity is really about.... sharing, giving, letting go of resentment, anger and simply opening your heart and mind connection fully... without judgement or preconceived notions of how it will unfold... fully hugging another human with all your heart....

Oh please let it be...... seeing sparkling lemonade for the first time.... oh let it be.......

Challenging times calls for movement. not always the popular choice for everyone.....

2011-04-30T13:35:00.000-04:00

I have a friend that would never say good-bye when he hung up the phone... I tried to coerce him into it many times... and one day I asked him... why do you never say good-bye.... he told me that if he said good-bye it was forever and this was his way of ensuring that he would always see you again... there would always be a next time.....
Last night..... I said good-bye for real.... I said good-bye to 6 years of my life... to something that I brought into this world.... something I gave birth to... something I nurtured, fought with and gave my all to... only now it has not gone off to college - the baby has grown in spite of me, taken wings and flown beyond me.......

It was time for me..... it was time for it.... to let go.... to truly understand that I am not the same person I was before Oct 22, 2010 and neither is it... sometimes we stand in each others way, get our back up and block each other from really living to our potential.... I know we worked very very hard together and we butted heads alot but at the end of the day this baby is growing up and really needed me to let it go....

I speak about POWE.. Power of Women Exchange.. that I founded along with my partner Lia Bandola... and I have a bitter sweet feeling about it all... I know for me it is the best thing... you know all that jazz about me and no stress.... yes the no stress thing... when I looked at where I was spending the bulk of my time, where the majority of my stress was coming from I could not deny it was POWE.... it's a big job... a demanding job, one that is ever evolving and one with many chiefs - women....

I know that this decision has mixed reviews from people however if they really thought about it.. they would realize that it's a very good thing..... and personally I must take care of myself now... truth is what they think of me is none of my business... how my decision about my life is really affecting theirs is something they let happen... that it's really not going to affect them at all unless they allow it....

I do believe with all my heart that POWE is in the right hands... capable hands.... I trust and believe that change is exactly what POWE needs to build strength.... to grow and be what it was intended to be from the beginning... complacency happens every day around us... we get comfortable.... we get resentful and think that its happening to us when we... oh yes we.... are to blame for it.... whether we like to face it and believe that is true or not.... I can tell you it is...

I believe its going to change and may look much different... and I can't wait to watch it grow.... change happens in spite of you.... fight with all your might to resist, get angry about it, push as hard as you like but in the end... change will happen... I know this now... more then ever I know that if you flow with it, embrace it... oh it might not look the way you wanted it to.. however embracing and flowing with it allows ease... your ease... your stress level decreases and you soon realize that what you feared was nothing... you making things up as you go... is not the best way to be...

In the end.... a new dawn is happening on many levels... for POWE.... for Lia.... for me.... I trust with all my heart that our baby will be better then fine... that Lia and her team will make it into something new and fresh and you will see bright things happening with it... I trust that this is the movement it needed to move to the next level.... whatever that is.... however it looks.....I trust... I have confidence in Lia and it's her time to shine... her time to choose..... I support her in whatever she decides to do 1000%....

A new dawn is emerging... open your arms, open your heart and embrace it... support it..... support Lia..... support POWE.... I will be......

As I lead by example... I know that my rightful place in our world is to emerce myself into being a voice against elder abuse... to create awareness and education so everyone truly understands the issues our society is facing now with it... to alleviate it by offering a family approach to aging... to care for our vulnerable in our society....to assist other to have a full life from start to finish.... big job... I know.. I am up to the challenge with an incredible team right beside me....

I am following my heart... my passion is alive.. no it's on fire right now... burning hot..... being the example of what I want to see in my world.... and serving my community in a way that I know will be the change.....

Trusting God... trusting myself that this is the right thing to do....

Where Apathy lives.. hate survives... Where Curiosity lives... hope reigns supreme....

2011-04-23T11:27:00.000-04:00

We all have a duty to serve our country, our families and our neighbours right...... it struck me this morning how change is made typically by one person who activates their dream, their goal then speaks it to others who agree...... the change then becomes contagious when a group of people participate together in that vision, that dream.... together so much can change.....

Oh but apathy lives everywhere... many of us wait until someone else starts it.. and because so many are so deeply amerced in their own issues, problems and trying so hard to make a life they don't even see that they really do matter in this world... their active participation means everything... their thoughts, their dreams and their goals can change the world... we can become apathetic by closing the doors on other issues around us as we solely focus on one...ours.....and not participating in the big change....

Or is it, that there are true leaders and necessary followers among us.... are there people who were born with leadership qualities and those that are born to work the visions....... I believe deep inside all of us we have leadership qualities and we all have dreams.... OK smartie pants... what's the difference and why do some stand out, take risks, speak their dreams and then go to work on them while others don't and keep their dream to themselves, hiding it away......

Ahhh, in my opinion... 100% of the time.. telling the world your vision, going after your dream comes from you believing in it first... trusting your gut, your intuition first... is it a good thing...am I doing the right thing... is it necessary... envisioning the outcomes.... your own enthusiasm as you share it..... being open and willing to ask and accept help..... your confidence in yourself to get it done.... accepting criticism with grace..... owning your mistakes..... and knowing you have what it takes to go the distance.... do you know this.. do you trust this and yourself to deliver 100%???????

If you answer yes... man there is nothing that will stop you but if you... well... and offer up excuses to yourself or anyone else at any time................. it will paralyze you somewhere along the way.... and then the horrid apathy steps in..... you know apathy.. I know apathy... it's not really caring what happens.... not really wanting to get involved... not wanting to take a stand and really be the change.. it's all talk but no ACTION attached... and I am sorry to say but there is more of this in our world then action.... where apathy lives... resentment and hate lives........... it's nasty and a life will be paralyzed from it.....................

I used to hear it a work (when I had a job for another company) "that's not my job"...... that's apathy..... my kids... "it's his mess, he can clean it up"..... that's apathy.... turning your cheek to avoid seeing something happening to others in our world.... ignoring the truth of rape, murder and politicians running amok... that's apathy.... not standing up for what you believe in... that's apathy..... NOT VOTING that's apathy.....

There is hope..... hope lives in curiosity..... where people are open, willing to learn and share that they are ready to take action... apathy can't live... where people take responsibility for their world... 100% of the time apathy can't live..... where people believe that change can and will happen... apathy can't live.... where people know in their heart & mind connection that they, themselves are part of the change..... that their dream, their neighbours dream will change the world.... apathy perishes... it can not survive.....

This morning I had an Epiphany as Christians celebrate the Resurrection of our Saviour.... it lives in each one of us... the opportunity to resurrect our passions... stand up for what we believe in and accept that we are part of it all... we must not take this for granted... vote.... however be educated on who to vote for... take the time and call the parties offices and learn before you mark x on the spot... get involved in something in your community that calls you, tugs at your heart strings... help your neighbour shovel snow, mow the lawn... ya I know it's their property... but if you are doing it anyway... what's the difference.... bake a cake, cupcakes, bread and take it to someone recuperating after surgery.... a friend who has lost a loved one... an ELDERLY PERSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I believe I have a duty... first to share this with you... to inspire you to go into your heart and find what lives there.... bring it out.. stand proud and share..... live in curiosity, intense enthusiasm, vibrant energy and repel apathy............. take one step towards being the change... get involved in something that feels right to you.... resurrect those dreams..... the real you buried in there has something to share... love to give and change to be....

I am... I am... man it took alot of working through all of this I write about to realize that I am a voice, a Strong advocate for seniors and I love being that..... can I change the world by using this knowledge... you bet your ass I can......... I am.... I have resurrected my dreams. my passion found me again and my heart is swelling with love, energy and enthusiasms for creating my centre and for raising money to fund an Emergency Senior House......one that will allow a senior removed from an abusive situation safety on a short term basis until we can get them placed... one that will provide the necessities of life that have been stripped away... one that will offer dignity, love and care at a time when that was denied..... oh yes I can.... I am...

I urge you... as I am being the change I want to see in my world.... as I work the change I believe to be of great importance... believing that a measure of a society is judged on how we treat our vulnerable... our children and our elderly.... I believe I can make a difference.... I believe 100%..... how about you?

Armour up.. Some may not like my opinions here.....

2011-04-21T09:43:00.000-04:00

There are many different reasons for suiting up in your armour.... you know the one.... the armour you wear whenever you feel like you need protecting... when something scares you... the pattern you become when you feel everything moving and changing around you and you.... yes you.... oh did I mention it was all about you... do not know all the details or have the control.......but............. you..... choose to jump to conclusions.. make up stories and worse.... ask for opinions of others who don't know the facts either.... all they have to go on is your own misinterpreted information....

At it's very core.... at your core... what are you really seeking when you choose to bring someone else into your swirling lack of information...... answers... nope......clarification.... nope.... it's validation that you are right............. oh yes... needing to hold on to being right.... and don't negate the fact that with fear comes a feeling of loss of control.... it is most definitely a way to gain the control.....

Does misery and fear love company??? You bet they do.... once someone is in a negative vortex they need something or someone to hang onto... fear creates a gripping sense of needing to hang onto something... for change is hard... and you don't know whats on the other side.... I believe those of us that fight this hard.... bring others into our web of miss-information are full of fear, lack confidence and really have a narrow minded view of the world....

Armour up..... because some people may not like my opinion.... oh yes they are entitled to your own... however since I have my armour up... it's really none of my business..... writing this also removes my fear of sharing what I think and how it will be interpreted... it's completely up to you..... I have no control.... and guess what................

It is the most freeing thing in the world...... to choose how I feel and react to something someone else said or did.... well, it really is my choice...... what I do know is when I am feeling like I need validation on what I am thinking (not feeling.... I must validate that myself.... hmmm think about that one) I will not go to another uninformed person or group of people to VALIDATE ME..... nope I will go to the source.... I will ask for the information.... I will not make up my own stories and then use them in what could be hurtful ways towards or against others.... nope I will not.... why... because I am a grown up... oh yes 47.5 gives me the right to say that.....

Whew.............. I am so relieved to have that off my chest.... my Maker and I had this conversation this morning... and I am ready to move into the next phase of my life...... the next exciting phase...... my centre.... my book.... and using my blog as my therapy.... (and some book material....) I shed all the negative that may be attached to me in any way............... I repel the garbage.............. I choose a positive peaceful life in which I serve my world with my gifts and talents...... and what anyone thinks of me is none of my business and man.... that is freeing.......................

Emerging from the shadows of hiding from myself.......

2011-04-17T09:30:00.000-04:00

I had a huge revelation yesterday.... about myself..... since this whole journey began I have been discovering new things about myself every single day..... how can you learn new things about a person you have lived with for 47.5 years??? namely the one that looks back at you from the mirror..... well it's true.. it's exciting and almost like meeting this amazing woman for the first time in so many ways... oh I have known her my entire life but she is somehow evolving, transforming and emerging from the shadows of hiding from herself.....

My attraction to butterflies is no mistake right now... butterflies go through a metamorphosis... and even though they are beautiful I have never been attracted to them... not even as a young girl... In January we visited a butterfly farm in Costa Rica and learned about their life... their beauty is one part of admiring them but their journey is the part that mesmerizes me..... I am drawn to it... I now understand why...

My heart believes when you go through something, anything, it changes your life.... changes who are you in that instant... an experience teaches us, leaves us with scars and memories that were not there before... this is a beautiful thing... even in the wake of tragedy there is something changed and you are forever changed..... something new is rebuilt and you learn all over again.....

In my opinion our world changed dramatically with the women's liberation movement... much for the better for the lives of women (being one.... I believe this to be true). Women deserve equality in everything.... this I do believe... women have the right to choose what they want their life to be, to be free, to be safe, to do whatever they want in life.... no different then men... we deserve it all............... and........ we have the babies..... yes... now I also believe that men deserve the same.... on equal ground, equal playing field... no differences.... they have the right to choose what their life is to be like, to be safe, to be free to do whatever they want in life..... they deserve it as well....

What I feel strongly about.. is that the family collapsed in our society with this movement.... and the gender roles became skewed.... no longer did mom stay home and care for the babies and dad go to work and provide... what else do we have to by except our history.... our innate gender roles.... that of a woman to nurture and that of a man to hunt and provide??? ahhhh but it changes....

Is this better??? Has this made our society stronger or confused the entire situation in the civilized world? My opinion may cause radical debate from either side however I know this to be true.... the breakdown of the family came from somewhere... even with it's incredible dysfunctions from the past (shhhhhh we don't want to talk about that... what would the neighbours think....) there was a unit....... a place where you sat down to dinner with your parents, grandparents, siblings... and now in many cases a TV dinner is always easy and ready to reheat when mom and dad are both working and you get home from school... to an empty house.......

How about the fact that more women are taking on a masculine role and leaving behind much of their femininity... (not talking about wearing a skirt and heels here) as they get more comfortable being in their masculine hunting, providing, ruling, making big decisions, taking on the world the feminine part of them hides, buried inside them... poking out now and then to kiss the boo boo.... slip into a sexy number to slide into bed beside their partner once a week (once a month?) .... the big one... to take care of themselves......

Yesterday, I was blessed to attend Amazing Woman's Day and I came away with this.... I have lived much of my life in my masculine energy.... ever since I was a little girl... I have been taught that I could do anything, be anything and more I was ushered into the masculine world - taught how to hold a shotgun, shoot a gun to hit a bulls eye, win competitions at school, study hard, do laundry, make decisions, work, dig the garden, shovel the snow, hold a hammer.... all the things that could be considered masculine.... and taught that I can do anything... and I had every doll and Barbie doll you can think of.... I played house, I cooked in my Suzy Homemaker oven, I played dress up with my mom's clothes and high heels, I put on plays, sang and danced for my extended family, I did girlie things too......

I am amazing, intelligent and that whatever I want to do and be... I can... so it was natural for me to be the decision maker in my marriage....natural for me to make the decisions about the kids, what we ate, when we ate, where we lived and so on.....cook, clean, bathe my babies and so on.... and work outside the home.... that was a given............. an absolute must for me... I remember one argument with my then boyfriend (before the 22 year marriage ensued) standing in his driveway as I was to get into my car... about the fact that I planned on working full time once we were married.... he didn't like that idea, he had a mother that went to work full time and that was not something he wanted me to do.... he wanted to have babies ( I already had one from a previous blip.. oh sorry I meant marriage....) and my son was fine, good boy and was OK.... so why couldn't I have more and work and have it all.... wow that was the argument that nearly broke us up.. but I won.... I got him to see my way.... I was so in my masculine energy right then and there and set the tone for the entire marriage......

In my new relationship I have been doing the same.... and what I believe now.... what I see so clearly..... and because I believe in reasons for everything... and because I believe the transformation I am going through is absolutely necessary for the next phase of my life....I was given cervical cancer at 26 (my most female parts) as a wake up at that point.... and now with the breast lump... benign yes... sign, gift... a wake up call - oh yes!!!! Time for me to live more deeply in my feminine and allow a balance to happen between both energies that live within me...

Balance is the key... but it starts within ourselves... how do I do that... I think most of us believe it to be something we will find outside of ourselves... by working less and playing more... nope I don't believe that... it is within us completely... if you care for yourself more, you will naturally fall into a more balanced way of being... working less and living more will be a natural progression... not in anger, resentment or an extreme need to win... but an ease that comes with being in balance within our own selves which is our own lives......

Well, I am going to give it a shot.... not doing more dishes, more cleaning or cooking... no indeed that's not the feminine inside of me.. that's what society says is feminine... I will do my share but I will not be the perceived feminine housewife of yesterday.......... I will spend more time, taking care of me......... meditating, yoga, time alone to write, exercising my creative muscles more.... putting myself completely first.... getting in touch with the nurturer inside of me to nurture me..... to use the compassion that I feel inside to care for myself first..... and then and only then can I give it away....

Everyone talks about finding balance in their life...it absolutely must come from inside first.... being comfortable in our gender... not so much our roles as that exists outside of us... but in who we are at our core... the feminine and masculine energies inside of us being in harmony... in balance.... I was born a girl and I am a woman and as an intelligent being searching for that balance I will start within myself and for myself and that is how I will be the change in our world...

Decisions are Tough- When there is no Bungee Cord Attached.....

2011-04-12T10:48:00.000-04:00

Lately so many people around me are in transition... they are evaluating their circumstances... their work... their life.... taking stock of what they have achieved and accomplished and looking towards the future with a question.... what's next.... for me... what's next.....

I believe when this is noticeable for you... it's a mirror of what you are experiencing and my maker is trying to show me something.... pay attention girl... what's the matter with you.. how many times do I need to show you this before you... yourself... will wake up.. this is where you are... what is happening in your life and this is a good time to get a move on..... OK OK.. hearing you loud and clear.... thank you.....

With all the talk of the big tilt in 2012... which much of it is just too far fetched for my analytical brain to absorb and truth is that those of us aware of it.... have our own opinion.... you can Google it and get 2 million sites with each having a different insight into what it means... for me... and yes my opinion... it is an emotional shift, an awakening in some of us... a shift in how we think, how we live, what we are here to do, what we will no longer accept in our lives, a closing of some doors, of a way of being and a true sense of connecting with others on a level of understanding each other that not everyone gets....

OK, no crap here.... this is just what I think.... not just... it's what I think.... it's what I have processed in my intelligent brain....

One just never knows how it will all turn out the day after you become aware of who you are right now... you making that decision... fear... trepidation and all those juicy emotions keep you locked in the before but the day after - it's rather good..... I like it........... freedom..... an utter feeling of completion..... understanding that you made the right decision for you.... the operative word is YOU.... just plain quiet............ I like that....................

Decisions are tough....... and I know some of you are in smack dab in the middle of big life changing decisions right now.... you and me do need to follow that passion but in a calculated intelligent way..... no jumping off the end of the cliff because....... there is no bungee cord attached........

Will your decision be a popular one in your circle.... maybe not... and is that part of what is holding us back.... do we make them based on what others will feel, say or do.... should that be the top of your list when in the process??? I suppose it would depend on what the decision is and what the fall out or impact will be.... but.... truth is if it's a decision that includes your happiness, your sanity, your future, your well being then is worrying about how others will react really the main priority there.....

So many times I have heard.. you are into so many things... how do you keep it all straight.. how do you function with a crazy schedule like yours.... truth is I didn't really think it was that crazy... can you imagine... I thought this was my life and how it was.. how I chose it... so be it... I see things differently now... health issues are sometimes given to us as the final wake up call... stop it... slow down and focus... OK OK I got it!!!!

Hearing that "Tina is on the go, always has her fingers into this and that and she wants it all..." my entire life... now processing it for what it really means to me... not you or anyone that thinks or says it.. what it means to me.... first off... I don't see a problem if I am into a few things at once.... or that I want it all..... there is a great big life with big juicy things waiting for me and I am OK that I want to try it all......

If I am growing as a person, learning something new, providing a service or product that there is a market for, or just doing something that I love.... who says that's not OK... aha because it's not mainstream... it's not what most people do.... most focus on one thing - but what if there is a different way... is that not allowed... or is the way that the majority does things the way we should all do it... should we all fit into the same mold and adhere to the majority.... hmmmm....

Well I have to tell you... one thing I can confidently and clearly say.... I have never in my life felt like I fit into a mold.... in fact I have defiantly fought against it.... purposely rebelled.... went out of my way to not fit into the mold and then grew angry about it... immaturity and lack of understanding that I am different... of who I am at my core...... I have never really felt like I just fit in... I have always stood confidently in my own being and raised my bar.... my expectation of me were always higher... good bad or ugly that's the way it was.... it's the way it is.....

I have a keen sense of seeing the potential in people and in the past drove myself crazy when I see them being half or less of who they are and who they can be.... but..... Tina... this is not your decision.... not your life.... not your burden to carry.... let it go.... live and let live period!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So back to decisions.... I too have wondered about others and decisions they have made... may have criticized or even tried to make them see my opinion...... but......again it's OK to be different... it's OK to make a decision that may not be popular to others....as long as you are making the one that makes the most sense to you.... and me....

Each of us processes and analyzes differently.... each of us has our own perceived safety net..... our bungee cord... and each of us hangs onto not making a decision because of these... really??? What if you had a crystal ball and could see........... what if.... would you want to... really want to......... each step you take is a joy, a learning, another step in a life... if you could really see it from early on... think of what you would miss... do you still think the decision would be different....

Today, as I am on the backside of a big decision in my life, and many others about to happen.... I know this to be true.... I am confident in the path I have chosen... feeling good about new adventures... new beginnings... new opportunities about to open...... old issues unraveling and new peace found in that...... it's all good....

I am more excited today then ever and open to receive all good things that will take me closer to my goals and dreams.....

With Progression comes a payout...I have numerous ways of contributing to the change!

2011-04-11T09:51:00.000-04:00

I have to make a decision now.... I am cutting it close to the wire... the mammogram is booked but..... I don't want to go to it... I will do the ultrasound for sure.... but the radiation I will get from it is accumulative and after having had 3 in 2 months and learning everything there is to know about what happened and what I am left with in there to fight so that the big C won't grow there... I just dont' think I can subject myself knowingly to more radiation...

After my lumpectomy pathology results in hand... I researched every detail of those results.... tearing them apart.... deciphering them.... speaking to one of my docs... who deals in traditional and alternative medicines.... I found an article written by the author of Adventures of Cancer Bitch... S.L. Wisenburg.... now this article was posted on MEDMD which is a site I enjoy, subscribe to and trust to give me good info... so I started to read it and was shocked to learn her story is exactly like mine.... up to this point.... I mean exactly.... it rocked me..... it shocked me..... because she went ahead and followed the traditional followup mammograms for the next year and bingo......cancer.....

The article talks about radiation being accumulative and that she honestly believes that this contributed to the cells mutating into cancer... hmmmmmmmmmmmmm..... it has stuck in my head ever since..... I have not cancelled the mammo yet...... but I know I need further education on this matter.............

Looking into thermography, I know there is no radiation involved... ultrasound.... yup I believe I will do that.... as I write this I am deducing my own conclusions..... no mammogram for me... now that doesn't mean that I don't believe in your choice... I believe that a mammo has it's place.. and for a baseline we need to have them.... I also believe that ultrasound should be routine as well... not a a step 2... look over 437,000 women are being diagnosed every year with breast cancer in this country .... are you kidding............. did you know that every 3 minutes in Canada someone, man, woman or child is told they have cancer.... are you kidding!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so appalled by these numbers it makes me feel sick...............

Stress........ preservatives........... lack of vitamins and essential minerals...... poor nutrition..... lack of sleep........ predisposition.......environmental........ location........ on and on it goes.... with progression comes a payout........ you can't have one without the other.... no way.... I know that for sure.... I have no doubt of this.... not in our society as it is.... what do these changes mean to a body.... well look at the numbers of illness that will tell you..........

OK enough... what can you do.... what can I do... what can the lot of us together....... individually we can change all those nasty things above.... yes we can............ stop shaking your head... yes you can............ as individuals the numbers are accumulative too... as we each change - we change those numbers..... together we can do things that raise awareness.... education and therefore concentrate on prevention......

This is my goal... I feel like I have been shaken awake.... this new passion to save everyone from self-destruction by front-end loading is my goal.... starting with myself..... eating properly.... cleanly..... (as best I can) taking my vitamin cocktails...... losing 50lbs.....maybe then with one person at a time as I sit and have coffee... with my centre and the cancer support Yvette and I are planning in the first one...... with my Stilettos event to raise money for the Breast Centre...... and then on a bigger playing field with my book.... with this blog............ I have numerous ways of contributing to the change....

What's your plan??? Just for today... let's concentrate of making one change.... one thing that will help ourselves and others around us.... I know I will be......

Pat a Woman on the back today... tell her she's Amazing, Brilliant and SHE Matters!

2011-04-09T10:39:00.000-04:00

Women are the worst for accepting recognition when in fact, recognition is one of the essentials of life... oh yes it is... you may argue that this is not true and go back to the hierarchy of needs but I defy you to debate the issue and tell me that this is just not so....

The "atagirl" proverbial pat on the back "job well done" or the "looking good today" or "give it to Suzie she always does it well" all of those and more are like water a body drinks in to feel alive...... our development depends on this acknowledgement... every single one of us wants to feel like we make a difference on this planet and in the lives of others... that we matter....

Being recognized publicly by our peers is even bigger and one that causes stress for many of us.... I remember in 2008, I got the phone call from then CEO of the Whitby Chamber of Commerce.. Tina, hon... I am so pleased to tell you.... you have won Business Person of the Year... what I said... stunned.... not quite sure where to hide.... I couldn't hide, I was in my office..... asking really in a calm manner.... oh yes.. congratulations... then she proceeded to tell me about the event where I would receive my award and to prepare a speech... really??? are you sure you mean me... why??? why not????? OK....

Got off the phone and thought OMG what if they find out I am a fake.... I have no idea what I am doing.... I am flying by the skin of my teeth, making it up as I go... really.... I can't stand up in front of 250-300 people and pretend that I am worthy of this award.... there are so many more deserving people they could have chosen... why me.... really??? I tried and tried to write my speech, keeping it in the 2 minutes.... and I kept feeling like a fake.... bought the outfit to wear.... and 2 hours before the event... no speech.... hmmmm so I sat in my office and put it out to FB... and privately a message came back... it was a poem from a then POWE member and words of encouragement.... I sat tall in my chair and wrote, using some of those words... and thanking who I wanted to.... fluidly and eloquently... I was proud of myself.... then got to the podium and told the entire audience that I was nervous and was going to puke.......... oh yes I did.... lol..... but composed myself and read my thank you..... brilliant..... simply brilliant and under 2 minutes.....

I carried that lovely crystal award back to my table and sat it there feeling my name engraved on it.... and not quite sure if I was dreaming or not... then the call came that I was up for another award only a few weeks later... didn't take it seriously that I would win or even a contender again.... and the night of the dinner guess whose name got called... I won the Phenomenal Woman Award....

After this, I realized... wow.. Tina you really are awesome... brilliant... beautiful.... loving... kind and all that and a bag of chips..... my company has won a few award over the last couple of years and I am proud of this.... and yet again it comes around.... I am being honoured for being a change in our world on April 16th at Amazing Woman's Day in Toronto.... how cool is that...................

How lovely... only this time I don't feel that reminiscent tug of "you don't deserve this.... what if they find out you are a fake......... who do you think you are...." nope I don't feel any of this at all..... because why not me.... I live my life helping others.... I have been a true servant..... I have made differences in others lives.... really cared about women and shown them possibilities.... I have myself, lived by example, going after my own dreams and goals on purpose...... I have done my job.... done it well... and I am proud of me... what I have accomplished... who I am... and where I am going now.... I am an Amazing Woman!!

On April 29th at the POWE gala, we will honour POWE women who have been peer nominated and will choose a national winner in 3 categories.... how fabulous is that... then dance the night away and celebrate each other... we will be entertained and have a chance to hug old friends, meet new ones and live fully in the moment...

They are Amazing women.... they are POWErful women.... I am an Amazing woman.... I am a POWErful woman.... YOU too are an amazingly POWErful woman..... imagine if all the women of the world really lived in this knowing............ imagine what we would accomplish... imagine what you could accomplish.... imagine the barriers of jealousy, shame, guilt and non-deserving not existing... imagine women changing the world more boldly....

Pat a woman, a girl, your mom, your sister, your staff on the back today and tell them "Way to go girl... job well done.... you rock sister.... no one does it better..... or simply say... YOU MATTER!!!!"

For info on attending the Amazing Woman's Day, Toronto April 16th - click here

For info on attending the POWE Awards & Fundraising Gala, Ajax April 29th - click here

Be Still, My heart is Speaking.... Do Not Disturb....

2011-04-06T11:11:00.000-04:00

Everything in life seems to be a big lesson for me right now... everything I do, everywhere I turn... whoa..... putting breaks on..... woke up this morning thinking of the million and one things on my list to do today and realized that there is one really important thing I have been kind of working on... avoiding if I am honest that I really must complete.....

... so today is D day... D for done that is...... using my very best procrastination skills have not gotten me very far and when I come down to the wire the stress level increases out of nothing but my own fault.... Life has a funny way of sitting you down (after you fall on your butt twice) and making you listen to what your heart and mind are trying to tell you.....

....How often do we? OK I really mean me....really listen to the gut instincts we have that tell us something is about to happen.... I have them often.... I sometimes listen, stressing sometimes...... however I am getting better at it... if I listen I stop myself from doing something that I fight internally over for some time before arriving at the answer... my gut which I will say is really my heart... my feelings.... my warning mechanism... my intuition.... fights with my mind which on an intellectual level is really trying to talk my intuition out of it..... I can hear it now...saying come on, how in the world can you know that, really is that true, really, or do you just not want to go, ah that's the ticket you don't want to do this or that.... and you are just making up excuses... you are just trying to find reasons why it won't work...... you are just being lazy..... and so on and so on....

...Truth is that any of those things could be true for you or me but... we choose to go with the intellectual side of things because the mind is really good at debate.... it's become accustomed to winning over intuition..... it is a professional talker..... offering up great reasons of what we should do..... and our heart, our feelings, our intuition, is not taken seriously because the mind has won so many battles we have learned to trust it more then the weaker opponent.....

...Reality is our intuition, feelings, our inner warnings are usually the truth.... it speaks much louder then the mind when you turn up the volume on it and silence the eternal chatter in your mind..... you can hear, feel and acknowledge that your heart is speaking..... it has a strong, powerfully loving voice and has your very best interest at its core always!

...I feel in my heart this is the right thing to do..... and then my mind says, really, how about those around you that count on you.... what, they mean nothing to you......... you made a commitment..... that means nothing to you.... hey what about me..... what about you... this isn't about you... it's about what they need from you... and you are the only one that can do it... really... that's not true... oh yes it is, OK no one does it better... oh, I see... ya you are right! sound familiar... or am I the only one that goes through this inner battle... again allowing my strong intelligent mind to win..........

...Back to this morning.... I struggled with staying home and finishing these important documents that should have been done 2 weeks ago... going to the office because I should....... working in quiet except for the occasional pee the dog needs out to do........... focusing my entire energy on completing this document and the other few on my list that are of importance.... I think it was guilt.. but truth is my team lead by the incredible Debbie Drinkwalter... has it all under control and really they have proven that they do a much better job without me.... so in the end.... I realized that my intuition wins today... how fabulous is that... strengthening it... see that mind.... you lose this one... you can't force me to do it with guilt or anything else..... my heart won!!!! Victory... one small step for intuition one giant leap for being more fully in myself getting closer to understanding this incredible machine I have use of.....

...shhhhhhh be still, the heart is speaking.....

...Do Not Disturb.....

Just call me Crash.... this is becoming a habit!

2011-04-04T09:39:00.000-04:00

I fell again!! Oh yes I did... there I was on Saturday morning getting dressed in the spare room with my 2 cats clawing at the carpet (we left that carpet purposely for them) and my pup thinking he's a cat following suit and then for some reason when I lifted one leg to put on my underwear one cat and the dog got right under my feet.. I tried to put my foot down to miss them and lost footing... grabbed the new ironing board on the way down, knocked it over (not the strongest thing to grab) sent clothes piled on it flying.... fur flying everywhere.... dog's little legs couldn't scurry fast enough..... cats flew out the door, smashed into the big mirror at the top of the stairs.... almost knocking it over as the three of them ran for their lives downstairs...

Me? I came down hitting my butt in the exact same place as before right on tailbone on the corner of a decorator hat box I have...sturdy thing... I didn't even break it... hit my head on my jewelry box as well.... buts it's the butt that is really suffering...

Ossie had just gotten out of bed (got home at 4:30am from week of golfing) good thing or I would have woke him up anyway..... he comes up stairs and sees the bruise from last weeks hot tub adventure... what the hell??? did you let someone look at that? no.... not even Deb?? We have a nurse on staff you know... I know ..... no one needs to see this ass.....you could have gotten a blood clot you know... ya whatever......

Yesterday it hurt but today... it's worse for some reason... so then I remember a few years ago going to a personal trainer and I bruised my tailbone then.. maybe it's the old injury coming back... tell you what... it bloody hurts to sit, to walk and to stand.... maybe I should go get it checked.... maybe I have done something more then bruised it.... but reality is that they can't do anything for it even if it is fractured......

Lesson???? Hmmmmm what do you think it is.... I keep falling on my ass... this is not funny anymore..... this really hurts..... it makes everything harder to do... try bending over.... its just not nice.... so lesson??? I don't get it.... what does my butt have to do with anything that is going on in my life... or is it just for me to sit still or is it some kind of metaphor about falling...............

Falling down..... falling down on the job.... falling before I start..... sitting still......... being more careful............ taking stock of my surroundings more carefully..... its a very weird thing to fall in 2 very different places and hurt the exact same area on the body in 1 week... don't you think???

Going to see the potential new space for the last time today and then it's decision making time... is it the right one.... will it suit the needs.... is this the right thing to do and is this the right time..... every possible question is running through my head right now... and I need the money to make it all happen.... yesterday I gave it up to my maker... the how.... all the pieces of the puzzle will fall into place.... the people that are supposed to work together to make this happen will come together............

so I ask... Luck be a Lady today!!!!

Perpetual Procrastination is trying to tell me something...LISTEN!!

2011-04-02T09:46:00.000-04:00

Lately I am a perpetual procrastinator on so many levels..... I find myself avoiding certain things and tasks because I don't want to play with them anymore and busying myself in things that don't feel like work at all....

Have you ever felt complete with something.... like you knew it was done.. oh wait... I will test it with this scenario.... and I will play this out in my mind.... but at the end of it all it typically comes down to the fact that you just need to be done... you are hanging onto what you know, what you have done, who you were for dear life... again not sure of who you will be after it......you can't move onto what it is you really want to do or be now until you simply close that book....

Well this is me right now... confused..... dreaming so much... weird ones too..... I can't even tell you about them because they won't make sense.... suffice to say very weird... not disturbing but weird... if I could decipher them and put them all together I bet I would have a map leading my mind to what my heart already knows..... I toss and turn at night and flip and flop like a bloody fish... I believe my mind is trying to search for a solution and since it is so easy and right there the mind is taking me on a wild goose chase cause that is what I am asking for... Here you go silly girl.. if you can't see the simple truth, then OK OK I will give you what you want... complications..... whacked out ideas..... round about the block solutions to what you know.... but if you would just listen to your heart, the heart always knows... it gives you the answers and makes you feel it.... feeling it... oh ya that's the ticket......

What do I want for my life.... my life... not one that I feel guilty about my choices..... guilty for what... for making a choice for myself..... it's my time... I deserve to follow my heart... I know I am a horrible, resentful person when I feel caged...... I can't live in guilt because to me it is a cage.... maybe self induced but a cage..... I need the freedom to build what my passion is telling me to do.... my wonderful heart is saying girl you are here to help people in a way that makes your heart sing..... when you see their suffering disabled, their peace come to the surface it gives you energy............ and when the heart sings its melody the intellectual mind that listens then becomes in tune....heart and mind connection again... creating a wellness in the body...

So what I know today..... my heart is calling me to my centre..... it feels like it has wings when I am doing the planning..... it's not work... no sirreeeeee.... the Stilettos event is so close to my heart that I know on June 7th is the beginning of something even more.... working it all out seeing all the final details??? Ya not so much right now today......... I have an idea of how I want it all to play out but truth is I am no longer married to the outcome in my head, I will plan, implement and allow it to flow.... having a plan is essential to success.... but being married to one outcome is a disaster and a recipe for stress.... which I am working on alleviating right????

As Ossie sleeps in... just home at 4am fresh from golfing in the south...... I will jump right into some planning.... take my time..... enjoy the moment..... go for a walk.....have a lovely dinner with my honey..... and just be...

Implementing New thought Processes take time... being kind to myself is paramount!

2011-03-31T09:36:00.000-04:00

Last night was the fourth night without Ossie (golfing in not so sunny South Carolina) and I should be sleeping like I did the first night.. like a log... not so much... tossed and turned all night... I really don't like this.... and to top it off I woke up with a lump in my throat - you know the kind you get when you get a pill stuck that just won't go down... only I think this is acid.. years ago I suffered with acid reflux and the other night I woke up with acid right in my mouth about to throw up....

In the new book I am reading called The Healing Codes (Lia gave it to me) it talks about the affect stress has on the body and that every single disease or ailment has a root cause of stress... I believe it... and I was about to say, but I am not feeling stressed right now... then I relate to 2 things - a few weeks back I wrote about my coping mechanisms and how they are numb and then last night in the book I read pretty much the same thing... we are all a walking, talking stress machine... hanging onto old stresses, new stresses, others stresses and carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders and we don't have to...

The book, teaches the Healing Codes..... how to heal stress, your heart and just about anything you want in your life...so I will share as I go in my own Tina way...

I was so excited yesterday to receive the square footage floor plans for the property we are serious about taking for the centre and I was so excited as I made it all work... treatment rooms, program rooms, library, workshop rooms, mental health rooms... I made room for a doctor - looking for a General Practitioner who is looking to be in a busy clinic setting... anyone know of someone????? Connect them with me.... I am getting excited about it... and scared all at the same time...

This is a huge endeavour... OK this is why I was up and down last night.. just figured it out.. oh the acid thing.. hmmm ya well... this old body doesn't handle that as well as it did before... however I will take care of that and chill alittle bit... the centre is coming together as it should... these are big plans...

So I am going to put it out there to you.... we have 12000sq feet to fill... I am looking for a GP as mentioned, chiropractor, acupuncture, physio, occupational therapist, dentist or hygienist, nurse practitioner, naturopath, speech therapist, counsellors, workshop leaders, yoga instructors, Tai Chi instructors, Zoomba and other dance instructors, meditation leaders and any other modality you can think of.... we are aiming to provide our centre clients with a full range of choices to lead a full life....

I am also looking to hire an esthetician for the centre as well for mani & pedi's, facials, waxing.... a hairstylist would be great as well.... if you know of anyone please pass them onto me... we are looking for people who are interested in permanent space....

So the centre, the Stilettos for the Cure event and the Gala are all on my mind.... and my girlfriend coming from Kelowna for 2 weeks.. I can't wait to see her and have a girlie pj party....

I noticed yesterday that I was walking alittle faster then I have been... oh yes the butt still hurts but on the mend.... and that I was totally engrossed in work and loving it.. and I also thought how easy it would be for me to get right back on the fast train.... being aware of it is a great thing... implementing a new thought process takes some time.... it's coming... it really is...

Today, my mind is planning and implementing.... so I better get my butt in gear and get going... ya the butt still isn't moving too fast.. do you think it is trying to tell me something... ya OK I will just go slower then in the past.... being very kind to myself first is my goal for the day......

Being Constipated with this topic.... will affect your health!

2011-03-30T10:40:00.000-04:00

OK you need to know something about me... I have a thing about pooping... Its more then just feeling good every day... it's a necessity of life..... and pooping being a conversation that many don't like to talk about.... I know its as important as food, water, shelter and all that jazz.... but in fact I think it should be ranked right up there along side food and water.....
I am diligent about eating my probiotic yogurt, my hemp hearts, cold-pressed ground chia and flax seeds, probiotics, vitamins and mineral cocktail.... all together with my fruit.... and a light protein... (in the summer it's smoothies instead with much more added...) as my feet hit the floor in the morning I drink 16 oz of room temperature water right away..... I prime the body for pooping... because it is so important....

Now, understand that I am not afraid to discuss this.... I take this very seriously...... my kids and I would have the conversation every day.... I needed a report about colour, consistency, amount, how many times a day... all this at dinner typically..... suffice to say my sons do not have an issue discussing this at anytime, anywhere....

What I notice with most women is that they get red in the face or giggly or simply refuse to discuss it.. the moment the conversation comes up... it's like they are constipated with this topic... all up tight and scared to share.... holding onto it for dear life... ladies don't poop maybe????? wrong.. this is a big reason why there is so many issues with women and bowel disease is a growing concern.... it's a medical fact that a healthy colon helps the body not only eliminate waste but hang onto important nutrients that you are purposely putting into your mouth to feed your body.... without the colon in tip top shape... issues will start to show up in the body in many areas....

We will discuss our liver functions, our ovaries.... menopause, our hot flashes and ever our sex life yet we are too embarrassed to discuss our bowel functions... hmmmmmm...... it's normal... it's a part of life and I do believe that paying more attention to this one bodily function can help so much more in the body....

OK lecture over.... this is my thought process today... some may like it and some may not.. suffice to say for me.... I remember in younger years not wanting anyone to know that I pooped... especially guys I was dating.... no way..... that was just nasty.. a lady doesn't do that.... really?????? so what do they do... explode.... nope... if you don't poop properly you will become sick... and worse...

So ladies..... do yourself a favour and if you have issues at all... if you feel it's not normal.. talk to someone... ask questions.... see your doctor.... up your fibre..... google it... do whatever you have to do in order to ensure one of your most important function is working tip top!!!!

Ya... I know this is the weirdest topic yet... just noting on my journey today that this is important to me.... so I share..... open, honest and all about moving forward in health....

My broken bum hurts... and my entire being is not liking it!

2011-03-29T10:24:00.000-04:00

Bruises always feel worse before they feel better.... why is that..... sprains do as well...... and believe me I have had my share of sprained ankles.... oh yes remember me... stiletto queen!! Oh yes... memories... falling off a platformed dance floor in 6 inch stilettos, falling face first into a ditch of snow and muck, butt in the air..in stilettos, I have done my share.... the same ankle.... broken twice and sprained twice..... the thing is the sprains hurt worse!!!

As my leg and butt heal now, the bruise on my leg is feeling worse.... however eventually it goes away.... and so does a bruise on our ego.... this morning I put on a muscle cream that goes hot then cold to help the bruise on my leg... funny thing... maybe I did fracture my tailbone because the bruise is worse... hmmm... just a little self diagnosis here... which is not unusual for me at all....

This morning as I stood naked in my bathroom mirror staring at my bruise.....reveling in the thought of how a body can take so much trauma and heal.... checking out my bruise, my butt, my foot, my boob with a 3 inch battle wound, my 8 inch hysterectomy scar, the 4 small knife wounds from the gall bladder removal, what used to be a belly button before 11 surgeries happened there way back when, the 1 inch scar below the left boob from a lump removed at 18, a bee sting when I was 11 that my daddy fixed me up from... and the other scars under neath from having kids....oh and don't forget my tattoo too........ all healing nicely....... what a wonderful machine we have the use of.... the cut on the bottom of my foot is healing nicely... painful but healing.... the skin magically grows back together.... this living breathing gigantic organ mends back together..... closes up to protect us from outside..... but.... I do believe it's our job to ensure it's healthy, has all the right nutrients, stays in good order, moist and has no spots open that germs and a superbugs can penetrate......

The same goes for our ego... how fragile it all is... the skin protects from physical germs getting in but what about the mental bugs we allow in every single day... we care for our skin suit and yet we neglect our mind....... we absorb from others, from the planet, from the media... those opinions.... we claim them as truths and our own and they affect us.. not so much the skin but on the inside... the very thing the skin suit is trying to protect.... do not mistake for one minute that the affect on the body is less severe if it is a physical germ getting in.....

In fact, I believe it is worse.... what our mind does to our body once we accept stress.... opinions from others..... and sheer junk of how we should, how we could and what we should be, do and look like... we start to break down our immune system and our skin suit is no longer a lean mean human shield.......

I realized this morning that without the heart and mind in unison..... my big skin suit is not going to be able to do the job of protecting my delicate insides.... as my bruise, my butt and foot heal it's my job to work on the inside stuff and keep my skin shield in tip top working order..... I need it for many years to come....

All of this has a point... on Sunday I received a call that someone I know had died..... 52 years old... healthy as far as I know.... family member found him in his chair in the morning... apparently (because I don't have all the details....) he died through the night from a heart attack.... 52!!!! 52!!!!

This is crazy............. a friends brother is in bad shape and may not last long and is 54.....54!!!! Its complicated.... but it's all stuff on the inside.... could we say that if they did this and that, lived this way and that way, didn't do this, ate this instead of that, didn't allow anything to pass their lips that wasn't organic or natural, lived a religious life, worked hard and played harder...... they wouldn't die so young............ hmmmm I am thinking that is part of it... oh yes I am... but I am also thinking that the mind and heart connection had much to do with it..... this body in it's entirety.... as a whole being is incredible..... and if one part hurts the rest of the body is aware.... my broken bum hurts and let me tell you this... my entire being is not liking it... I walk slower, I gingerly and carefully sit down, I have even mastered the roll over technique in bed.... all to compensate for my sore butt.... My mind is focused on saving my butt from pain....

Now, the reality hits.... the heart and mind connection can maintain and increase health.... its up to the healthy heart and mind to choose carefully when it comes to what goes into the skin suit.... mind food, heart food and physical food.....

Thinking about this today.... I know that I won't be mowing through a bag of cheesies anymore.... have you read the label on those... I will plan an hour a day for physical health, an hour a day for heart health and an hour a day to mind health.... and all together now.... an hour a day to my skin suit..... that's fair....

If you knew that you only had so much time left..... what would you do.... would you travel... would you eat whatever you want..... would you love more.... tell those around you how much they mean to you more.... would you kiss your honey harder and more passionately.... would you treat them better...... would you drink in the cool air feeling it inside your lungs.... would you cuddle your kids more.... would you go to bed after having words with someone without an I love you.... the power that we have to work the heart and mind connection is entirely up to us.... inside our very own skin suit shield.... incredible.... simply incredible......

Slip.....Fall.... Repeat.... over and over until you get it!

2011-03-28T09:48:00.000-04:00

The sound of my clocks ticking........ the click of the pup's nails as he trots across the bare floors...... and absolutely nothing else..... I love silence................ I just love it............ I crave it and get very little of it... waking up with it is lovely..............

After my ex-husband left and before Ossie, I lived alone (well my son lived there too... but he was a typical teen and was gone all the time doing his thing) and I enjoyed many of these moments...... reading in peace.... thinking.... meditating and loving being alone with myself..... that is the key, getting to the point that you love your own company.... my mother used to tell me it was ok to talk to yourself but if you answer back then you better start worrying....

When I think of how few of these times I actually get or take I realize how much I need them.... being alone is not a lonely or bad thing... it can be rejuvenating..... you get to refuel however you want..... doing some yoga in peace.... add some meditation to it..... just sit and be... who said you had to do anything or everything in that space and time.....

Me, well the old Tina would have.... she would have felt unproductive and at least been designing new jewelry...... answering emails or something... just something.... anything...... not this new chick... no way man... I can just sit and be......

As a result of burnout........ which I admit that I am slowly recovering from...... I crave the stillness, the calm, the peace and the sound of my clocks only............. nothing more....... at times I find my mind wandering to places to hide out....... where can I go that I can be alone and not have to face the world at all right now.... where can I go to take care of me... and only me...... it's so true.... when you stop.. when you slow down, more then a week or 2 that is... you realize that there was something wrong with the warp speed you were living at..... you can pretend to yourself that it was all good all you like but the truth is that the body just says enough, I will not go back to that no matter how much you push.... the more you push the more I will resist and you will sit still period.... this is the hard lesson that I am learning.................

Julia and I headed out to her cottage on Saturday morning, did the mani & pedi girlie things and then back to relax..... hot tub with 3rd glass of wine.... ummmm not so smart.....don't get me wrong... nothing wrong with the hot tub or 3 glasses of wine.... nope.....it was something else.....

Did you know that people with high blood pressure are not really supposed to be in a hot tub.... true.. and guess who has it.... and I love the hot tub...

It bit me... oh yes it did.... it threw me out of it... Julia said be careful of the steps they are slippery.... well she got out OK.. so would I... WRONG!!!!!!!!!!! I picked up my plastic wine glass half full of red wine and my bottle of water in the other, looked down at the step with water all over it and in that split second did not hang onto the railing.... not noticing the thin sheet of ice under the water my foot slipped out and as I came down I hit the corner of the stair with my tailbone and went face first into the pavement.. cutting the bottom of my left foot, cutting and bruising the top, leaving myself with the prettiest purple hip and thigh.... huge big bruise and let me tell you OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!! As I got up..... in pain.... went into the house and took my things to climb the many stairs to the bedroom... my heart was pounding....... I am fully aware of the fact that my blood pressure is sky high.... in my head I can count the beats.... I can feel it about to explode..... I get short of breath and am dizzy..... I need to lay down.... I don't yell for Julia.....I have no energy to even open my mouth....... I just lay there for abit breathing deeply and slowly........... the combo of the hot tub, the wine and the fall.... is alot for my delicate blood pressure since the surgery........... It slows down somewhat so I can go downstairs.... how dumb am I, do I mention it to her.. no, I yelp going down every stair... concentrating more on the pain in my butt and legs then what happened in my body.... just so like typical old Tina..... see how fast I revert to old ways...

It's hard to sit, hard to lay down, hard to walk and even hard to do bodily functions.... Stairs are the worst...... have you been to my office - where you need to go up 27 stairs to get to it..... Gee... do I take this as a sign.... slow down............ nope..... pay attention Tina!!!!

Being aware, careful, cognisant and taking care of oneself takes alot of work... running at warp speed through life takes nothing... In the past I thought that this took it all..... this took precision... focus..... intelligence and stamina..... not anymore...... I know for a fact that taking care of oneself.... first... putting yourself and your health first takes careful attention..... mindful focus..... optimal intelligence and rock solid stamina.... and this is the most important job of your life.... without this you will slip..... fall... repeat.... slip.... fall.... repeat..... over and over again.... until you finally get it...

Today, as I baby my bruised butt, hip, thigh and foot as well as cradle my healing puppy..... I will enjoy the peace and quiet, take advantage of the sunshine, meditate, do alittle work, soak in Epsom's salts and be kind to myself....

Take your time.. no warp speed today and do something lovely just for you today..........

Progression, in My Opinion is taking us backwards......

2011-03-27T16:40:00.001-04:00

As I mentioned before, most mornings I get up bang into walls, eyes half open.... drink my giant glass of water, do my morning business and depending on the day I will get into the shower or I will come down stairs and have a coffee first.... Lord knows I have never been a morning person and because of my sleep habits it takes me so long to wake up...... good thing I don't work for someone else... the older I get the worse it gets.....

Yesterday, we dropped off our baby....our hairy son Axel at the vets... I love this dog.... the full deal was being done, neuter, baby teeth pulled, full dental - teeth scaling, blood work, heart worm check... geeeeee. pooor puppy and to top it off it was $700 when the week before was $250...... should have been a vet.....

Did you know the neutering fee of $210 doesn't include IV or anesthetic?? What is that... how would they expect to snip them without putting them under... are you kidding me??????????? Oh we recommend you give him IV fluids, it's better for them, really???? really?????? so anesthetic was $89 and preop blood work is $59...... oh and the after IV I totally forget......having me pay extra for this is robbery??? really?????

Now the teeth..... so he hadn't lose one of his baby fangs and his breath smelled.... of course he needed that pulled for $20... and the scaling.... how's $150 grab you....... and then there is the heart worm blood which was $46...... and the small little items just keep adding up..... last week he had an ear infection and rabies shot... so the 2 of them and a bottle of antibiotics for his ears all came to $250......

What happened to the days when you fed a dog left overs and he went to the vet once in 15 years and he lived to be 18 years old.... modern age has changed our animals into small replicas of what we are... we then decided to commercialize their food... put crap, sugar, pieces parts and PRESERVATIVES into their food and sell it with commercials tooting how good it is.... again really???????

Somewhere along the line progression in my opinion is making our animals weaker, more susceptible to disease and then we need to stuff them full of drugs to keep them alive just like humans.... what a paradoxical time we live in.....

There are raw diets, vet diets, kibble, soft canned food, soft food with gravy sitting on shelf... what worries me..... is that it all must contain so much preservatives........ I cook his food.... he nibbles on kibble but he eats my own concoction that gives him carbs, veg and protein.... and I know what has gone into it.....

Heading to Julia's cottage for the night.. girls night... to drink some wine... pedicure and hang out in the hot tub..... Ossie will hang out and cuddle with Axel.... tomorrow he heads to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina for 5 days of golfing.... man am I gonna get things done around here....

Have the best weekend ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Acceptance.... settling for making myself uncomfortable appears to be ok in my life.......

2011-03-24T09:56:00.000-04:00

There are people who can go to bed at night..... snore their head off and sleep.... and sleep..... so how come I can't do that! I toss and turn, and every time I do... I wake up... when I roll over which is about every 30 minutes maybe less.... I wake up... I get so uncomfortable I can't stay still.... my left leg goes numb..... my neck and shoulders hurt.... my hips hurt...... I wake up go to the washroom and then need an hour or more to get back to sleep......

I bought a king size bed because my arm has to be straight out..... I bought a pillow from the chiropractor (a rock) that is measured for the height of my shoulder.... I bought another one that is full of these little air bubbles and so my arm is in a different position..... I bought another one that is memory foam which chips around it (a solid rock)...... I have purchased 10 others that end up between my knees, I hug them or they are stuffed permanently into shams...... I sleep with ear plugs to drown out the snoring..... I get hot so off goes the covers... I get cold so back on they go.... the pup lays up against me and I get hot.... I have a salt lamp going in the room all day.... at night it is pitch black in the room, the door is shut to keep the cats out (who I thought were disturbing me even more), the window is cracked open ever so slightly..... I take melatonin or Valerian root every single night...... no caffeine touches these lips past 2pm (truth is since paying attention to my health... no caffeine at all) and yes I have read every single sleep article I can get my hands on....

About 4 years ago, exhausted and pissed off at my lack of sleep.......I bought a new king size bed... shopped and shopped....laying on so many mattresses in the store and chose what was supposed to be the best in the store.... it's the "luxury" model... the mattress is about 17inches thick... so buying sheets isn't easy.... and.................. it came at a whopping luxury price too of $5000...... since the day it was delivered... I have not had a good nights sleep... I had them come back and exchange the mattress for a new one (thinking it was that one), I have spent much more on mattress toppers to make it comfy...... on feather beds..... which makes me have to step on a stool to get on... to see the clock, I look over and down..... I have purchased lovely bed clothes with tons of decorator pillows to fool myself that the bed looks inviting............... and still I enjoy no peaceful sleep.....

OK, I am done........... done............ done...... I surrender to the fact that I need a new mattress.... that this one is not ever going to change..... what in the world makes me think that I can change it by adding to it, by somehow making it prettier on the outside.... when in reality.......... no matter what I do it is exactly what it is on the inside... no pretending anymore or making excuses....... what is is....

It struck me then.... and drove home that I have the ability to change myself.....from the inside out... but..... I can't change anything or anyone else...... hmmmm..... I can't make them into anything they are not..... I can pretend............ I can do whatever I think will help but.... standing back eyes wide open.... I realize that the bed is a metaphor in my life..... acceptance.... settling for making myself uncomfortable appears to be OK..... hmmmm

It all rings true to me right here and now.... my physical health, emotional health, my bed, my life..... what I accept into my life and settle for and what I pretend to be OK with.... what I ignore and don't want to discuss, what I don't do because it will upset someone else, what I do do with a knowing that it will not rock any boats......

Is it all this metamorphosis that I am going through... like a lovely butterfly coming out of a cocoon (gee a butterfly doesn't take almost 48 years) am I ready to do all of this.... to remove the things in my life that make me uncomfortable somehow.... I do believe it's all part of this new focus and it's just time I got real!!!!

Careful Planning..... Planning Carefully......

2011-03-23T10:04:00.000-04:00

Do you think that old brick to the head isn'tt hard enough sometimes???? What do you think it is when the same message keeps hitting you over and over???? Right now it seems to consume my life.... everywhere I turn... every single day.... emails, phonecalls, meetings.... all I hear about is breast cancer............. friends around me.... another one yesterday................ what in the hell is going on...................... I trust my maker understands that I need the love shared amongst them now.......

It's starting to wear me down a little and add to my conviction that I am in the right place at the right time doing the right things..... it's starting to make me wonder if we live in the wrong area..... I have 3 women in my life at this moment who are living on hold in some way or another with this disease and another with heart issues.... ok not going to ask why............ that is a dumb question...... I know we each have our crosses to bear at different times in our lives but come on.. enough is enough..... want this to end....

Princess Pissy is showing up again... I just know that I am on the right track.... with the Stilettos event.... so many women will benefit from the breast assessement centre... and with the Full Life Care centre... we are going to provide a place where those living on hold can come and find support, find a Kleenex box and someone to talk to...

This morning around 7am, we got a call for T&E - one of our private clients.. a small lovely retirement home has an outbreak of the flu... 4 ladies are very ill.... they need a nurse... so off Ossie and Deb go... the flu is dangerous for elderly people.... and.... we are there to assist.... I just know I am on the right track for the Full Life Care and Wellness Centre...

I sit here this morning with a mountain of work to do.... planning..... business planning..... I have this awesome feeling in my gut.... that familiar one I felt 9 years ago but.. planning isn't my strongest trait... I prefer doing... however...... it gets me into trouble when I do not plan carefully and take my time to carefully plan.... 2 very different things...

Most of us... well ok mainly me... just want to run with the passion... but... also knowing that planning first saves disaster cleanup later.... in that case I will sit here today as planned... have a conference call at 11am and then work towards planning my next move carefully........ and carefully planning the step by step directions to make the centre a success....

Tough call to sit still sometimes........... to plan instead of do... what's that old saying.... "measure twice, cut once"..... I finally get it....

No Longer a Death Sentence.. but not a very nice Life Sentence either!!!

2011-03-22T10:02:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I found out about someone (who I pushed into having her first mammogram) and didn't want to tell me..... she didn't want to worry me..... she went back for the ultrasound and yesterday a biopsy...

I read the email and cried like a baby.... broke down right there in my office.... was glad everyone was busy because I am sure that I wouldn't have been able to speak had they seen me.... then I called her and I could relate... it was very calming being able to understand and relate to what she is going through..... I can help her... with her feelings... I can help her....

The flood gates opened and poured out emotions for her.... for Joy who is having a bi-lateral mastectomy today...... for Cindy who just contacted me last week to donate to the Stilettos event and is on the other side of a mastectomy, chemo and radiation.... and for Yvette who is just post last chemo and the affects are horrible right now..... for my friend AM who is going for her call back mammo this coming Wed.... Man... is this for real???????????????

Then there is me.... oh yes my emotions went to me too... for I am the link in all of this... and I went through my own journey..... I am in the middle of my new journey.... the one that was written in black on white.... the one that I dissected to death... the one that says OK girl... you were free this time... but.. we are watching you..... if you don't shape up.... we will be back......

I know what my friend feels like.... now she waits.... she waits 2 weeks possibly 3 for those results.... go home and be positive.... really?????? She relives her life now in full.... wondering why she didn't find it.... why her.... why now... what changes do I need to make....... what if....... how do I tell people...... do I tell people......... what if I need surgery..... do I opt for a mastectomy right away....... will I lose my hair............ will I throw up..... wait no one told me I need chemo....... OK stop being a big baby you haven't been diagnosed yet...... wait a minute feel sorry for me.... this could be it...... no stop thinking that... you might bring it on if you give it energy...... stay positive.... pray... pray alot..... cry... cry hard... cry even harder.......... smile...... keep going......... it's not so bad.... there are many out there worse off them me... who am I to cry in my beer........ this will be OK, I am positive................ man am I ever alone................. wow, I have such a good support system............. they just don't get it...... they want to analyze me............. everyone has advice................ OK I need answers.... there are none for us on hold...... oh, you haven't actually been diagnosed yet... well why not wait til you have then come and see us................ but I need some answers now.............. no I don't want to know a thing....... I need to be with this... meditate, cook, clean, ya right that is supposed to take my mind off this................................ I get it............ I so get it!!!!

Yesterday I was so full of emotion for them all..... and me.... and today I am angry.............. what in the hell is it in our lives today that is causing this.... why in the hell am I now being shown this in many areas of my life............ why is this affecting so many awesome women.............. why is there no cure............. I know being diagnosed with breast cancer is no longer a death sentence but damn it... it's not a very nice life sentence either!!!

Being on the edge of insanity myself most days, I have fully decided to live for the moment and take one day at a time.... as I said before, many people may not like this new Tina but...... it's OK... they will get it eventually.... this is who she is now..... proof.... this morning Yvette's hubby Colin called Ossie to see if he wanted to go to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina for the week golfing... Ossie wavered, himmed, hawed until I finally said GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! when??? Sunday...... GO!!!! Are you kidding me... Julia and I are going to the cottage Saturday and not back til Sunday... maybe I will miss Ossie when he leaves.... you know what... it's OK.... we have cell phones... and how often do you get a chance to just go and enjoy a week of sunshine, laughter, golf, beer and fun.....

Today...... I see both sides clear as a bell...... the opportunity life holds............... and on the other hand how quickly it can be turned right upside down..... why on earth would we work harder and more????

This is so in my face....... every day more and more... this new passion that found me..... providing support and so much more with my new centre.... yes it will definitely have a program, offer support and info for those LIVING ON HOLD!!!!!!!!!!!!! Misfits in the medical system.... a hole yet to be filled... a place for them to go and feel like they belong..... a place where positive support lives... and someone to pass the Kleenex box that gets it, understands fully because they were there!!!! Oh yes.... my centre will include this!!!!

Today....... I pray for all my friends who are going through this horrible time in their lives...... I pray that they come out on the other side to see that life is for the taking..... the opportunity to give it hell....... to be all they can be for themselves and our world....... the chance to inspire others with their stories and their lives...... for health................ breast cancer free..............

34 years later, I finally get it!!!

2011-03-21T10:20:00.000-04:00

I am more certain then ever that I am on the right track.... that every sign is pointing in the direction of what I am destined to do.... I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am heading in the direction of fulfilling the purpose of my work.....

Every single one of us has a dream... however.... something happens between the dream and the fulfilment of it..... sometimes we get distracted with other dreams, goals and what we are supposed to do or what we created that grew and needed caring and nurturing...... we saw something shiny over in a corner that caught our eye and drew us in..... willingly at first and then got trapped in its web...... we may have had health issues that brought us to a screeching halt and demanded attention right then and there...... we may have family commitments... caring for a loved one that required much of our time........ we may have been victim to trauma or sudden changes that was beyond our control...... maybe we just didn't have enough information yet.....or we may have allowed fear, trepidation, the old voice in our head stop us from living that great big juicy dream we so long for.......

Whatever stopped us or prolonged the dream from happening did not change the fact that we dreamed it, we want it and can still have it..... does it matter how old we are??? Does it matter that I am now 20 years older... well ya if I wanted to be a ballerina... but ummm nope that's not it.... so nowhere is it written that I can't fulfil what my heart desires... and so I believe it's time and I shall...

I really believe that I have been given another chance..... a chance to show my maker that these great big dreams that I have and all the power he gave me to get whatever I desire is coming together right now to help me fulfil the passion that found me.... I want to help others..... ya ya.. everyone says that.... and I hear ya... I hear it all the time... "I just want to help others... that is my passion" but...... it's the how we each do it.... each one of us is here to create, build and serve our fellow human beings with a gift... a unique gift individual as we are... the betterment of our sisters and brothers.... that is our duty.... somehow.....

I know beyond a doubt that mine is in my face now... through fundraising for breast cancer awareness, prevention, preservation and after care..... for one...... and secondly to assist our aging population enjoy full, fun and healthy lives through providing programs, a place where care and fun meet..... and thirdly I believe with all my heart that caring for the caregivers is essential to the health of the patient.... the family caregiver and the professional caregiver alike.... require special attention..... alleviating burnout will prevent elder abuse....

Opening my centre is my vehicle to fulfilling my passion and my purpose here... of helping people.... the Stilettos for the Cure is fulfilling the new passion and purpose that found me..... of helping people... of bringing our community together for a reason.. I may have been on a detour, I may have been distracted by the shiny object in the corner but now I realize..... when something is meant to be, you will always find your way back....

Oh wait it's like that old saying... I remember as a teenager having a Tshirt that said... When you love something.... set it free... if it comes back... it's yours... if it doesn't... it never was......

Wow, who knew that some 34 years later I would actually understand what that meant.. beyond the boyfriend..................

It's Gonna be a Great Day... Ossie is cooking....

2011-03-19T10:26:00.000-04:00

Glorious day ahead.... absolutely amazing!! I just love waking up to the sun shining, a squirrel outside the front window is shaking its tail sitting in the sun atop the umbrella tree... the daffodils and tulips are starting to poke through in the front flower beds... for some reason spring brings with it a feeling of newness.... of possibilities..... of a lighter heart.....

OK it still might be freezing.... however just knowing that spring is springing makes you feel this anyway!!!

Every day we go about our life doing what we do and never really knowing how people really feel about us or really feeling the depth of their kindness... until... one day you get a phone call, a card or a Friday night chat on the phone....

Its awesome..... last night.... I had Facebook up and Heather Hebert came on... sweet lovely Heather who has such a wonderful glow about her- she lights up a room with her smile and to chat with her is such a delight... I don't think I have ever heard Heather say a negative word.... we decided to chat on the phone and it was great to do so... getting caught up is always fun.....

I love hearing that someone is reading my blog.... It makes my day.... and Heather is reading it... thanks doll!!! We will be dancing the night away at the POWE Gala soon!!!

I had a message from Kathryn, a lady who owns a store in Thornhill called Curvaceous Consignments and she wants to donate shoes and purses..... to Stilettos for the Cure... how amazing is that.... so today my mother and I are taking a drive up to meet Kathryn and to choose shoes and bags.... designer somee... names I won't mention til I actually get them in my hand.... exciting!!!!

Yesterday we received a pair of shoes, gorgeous bootie type from one of the girls off the Bachelor.... how awesome is that .. and they are hot little studded numbers.... the generosity of people is blowing me away...

There is much to celebrate.... today... tomorrow.....the day after that..... focusing on the great things that happen to us makes every single moment awesome!!!

Oh I forgot the biggie today.... Ossie is cooking!! Oh ya... he already started... going to take him all day for a special meal he is preparing... good... that should keep him out of trouble for the day.... and I don't have to cook... how awesome is that.....

Ahhhh it really is a wonderful life......

Lessons... are they new or just the same one hitting us, left over from childhood?

2011-03-18T11:34:00.000-04:00

It's interesting how our past behaviours come back to haunt us..... Life is made up of lessons along the way and sometimes they smack you in the face down the road... maybe not when they happen... but they will.... hopefully when they do hit you, you are in a place to recognize them for what they are for you and others......

Have you ever done something or said something that at the time just happened... you said something what I call - just falling out....

Yesterday, I had this happen to me.... and I can't even begin to tell you how horrible I feel... however.... you know me well enough now that I believe that I am here to learn the lesson, I am not a sugar coater, I feel that owning up to ones mistakes is essential for growth and in my heart I only want good for others....

Well, I need to share this... for me and for you... December, January & February 2010 were a horrible time for me... I was beginning this huge wake up that is still going on for me... I was stressed to my core and in a place between resentment, anger, fighting to get out of it and yet causing myself even more..... I was in the middle of planning and trying to sell a conference..... I was in financial trouble with my businesses.... POWE believe it or not... was not created as a non-profit but truth is... it is.... contrary to people's beliefs... it is.... and because of the hours I was spending on this conference, T&E was suffering big time.... my bread & butter.... needless to say.... I was so stressed.... I started to gain weight.... Ossie and I started fighting.... I became resentful for having to cook dinner and chase after a man, clean up after him, do his laundry and all the things that the single life didn't include..... on top of it all - we were in a contract with the hotel to pay a huge amount of money for this event.... we were each out of pocket big amounts and guess what - the tickets were selling very poorly...... I was a basket case...... oh yes I was...

My physical being was starting to wear down..... the shell I kept up for so many years was deteriorating and I didn't even know this was the beginning of so much more to come..... I received an email... one asking how many tickets were sold, how many this and that and so on..... from someone who was interested..... and I didn't see that... I saw that she was questioning things that were none of her business..... really???? really???? she was fully in her right.... but me... no, I took it personally in the midst of all of it... I felt personally responsible for everything at this moment..... I felt that I was failing and this was all entirely my fault... I was tearing my insides out, beating myself up, and worse I didn't have an answer to any of it....

I was pretending big time to the outside world that I could do it all, I could manage... stay positive because the law of the universe will kick you in the ass if you allow yourself to go to the dark negative side.... but the entire time..... the mind was trying desperately to cling to positive the heart was already sinking in the negative... drowning in the pool of despair, of not knowing how to save itself and those involved.... man it was a tough time....

So, back to this email..... I defiantly said in the email to let me handle it... got my back up and called the person a nasty name..... one of the others concerned also came back with a derogatory remark.... now, the email did not include anyone but us.... but...... at the time the other person's emails were breached..... oh yes... and this nasty person took it upon herself to send the email to the woman asking the question...

What ensued was a circle of nasty..... the woman who vindictively sent this was not thinking of the recipient, how this would make her feel... she was simply looking for a revenge and just to be nasty.... mean girl games.....

Over a year later it came back to me yesterday...... truth is I am so glad it did....... I am so glad that I have the opportunity to learn so much from this.... I have the opportunity to apologize to this person, who by the way I know from a distance but don't know her personally... I have nothing to even say about her... I can't even say she is nice, she is not, nothing because I don't know her at all....... however I am so glad that I have another opportunity to grow... firstly to never ever do that again..... no matter what, lashing out gets me where.... nowhere..... secondly to learn that even emails are not safe............ and lastly to be able to own up to my mistakes and to grow from them....

I did send her an email and apologize... I still feel horrible for this..... she graciously accepted but I still feel I want to apologize to her in person...... I respect her as a person.. and fellow human being and what is is.....

My entire life, I have been subject to gossip.... been the brunt of many nasty things being said about me... and with POWE, people feel they have the right to say mean things, pass judgement on me and gossip about me..... You know, growing up I hung around with a group of friends that were the original mean girls..... even as young as we were we did things to each other that were not nice....

I remember a time at 14 years old when my grandmother took me on a trip to Florida.... my so called nasty mean girl friends decided that I was lying about it.... so 3 of them came to my house.... 2 kept my mother busy while the other one lied saying that a pair of her jeans were in my room... stole my diary and read it to the entire planet.... oh yes they did....

Another time the same girls totally desecrated the last doll that my grandmother ever gave me... I had just received it for Christmas and it was a big deal to me, my family and my grandmother... it was a symbol of me growing up..... and they took that doll and cut her hair and then with permanent marker they coloured all over the doll.... including her dress... this was funny to them... hilarious in fact and years later - one of the last times we were together they were laughing about it.... it struck me at that moment that these girls have never grown up and I never really belonged with them then nor do I now......

Lessons, they come in all packages...... in childhood friendships that never really were..... even at young ages we are given gifts, struggles and lessons..... are they really that much different in adulthood... or are they just the same brick to the head over and over again that we didn't learn from childhood?????? I believe they can be both....

The beauty of being an adult is having the ability to stand up, do the right thing, own our mistakes, take the consequences, apologize and learn the lesson..... I know that what we say and do is a total reflection of ourselves and how we at that moment feel about ourselves.... I am proud to say that I lived through that horrible time... and after the past 4 months of hell (that was worse then any other time in my life) that I am stronger and a much better person for it all......

Worry doesn't live in this moment... focus on one moment at a time only.....

2011-03-17T11:02:00.001-04:00

The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, the puppy wants out every 3 minutes to chase them, the cats dish is empty, the recycling needs to go out and it's a perfectly normal start to a perfectly normal day.......it's a lovely thing....

I feel blessed this morning.... to have a choice to eat what I want, dress in what I want, sit and write this and to spend time with who I want.... and the biggie..... to take care of myself..... oh yes....

Yesterday turned into a brilliant day.... Ossie and I saw 2 possible properties for my new Full Life Care & Wellness Centre and am very excited about one for sure... today I am going to take the floor plan and play alittle to see if it will work..... we had the POWE board meeting.... I have never really given much thought to the word meeting until yesterday...

Meeting has always been something in my blackberry that just takes up time.... I just keep filling up my bb with meetings... for this and that and believe me most are not for the betterment of the business - no most are because someone else wants to meet for something for them.... and truth is I come away feeling like nothing was accomplished and that I have said yes to something I should have said no to... so I have decided that I won't be doing those anymore... but.... then you have some that are brilliant.... the board.... it was a true meeting of the minds.... amazing women who are volunteering their time, expertise and advice to help POWE become even better.... to help Lia, myself, Wanda and Brianna streamline operations to create a well oiled tighter ship to carry us into the new growth.... man it was awesome!!!!

This morning as I spoke to my maker..... I prayed for Yvette because today is a big day indeed... it is her last chemo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whooo HOOO.....the biggest day of this year....... now the tough part begins.. the next week or so of pain and awful fighting within her body.... I prayed that he allows her the fight, because she needs to even though this is the hardest one... she has to fight... those dark invader cells..... this is the battle of her life.... and she will win.... of course she will win.... I pray that it's at least tolerable in some way for her and that she takes comfort in knowing this is the final one..... please say one for her today.......

I prayed for a friend who is losing his brother... this is tough... just this Christmas they were visiting and enjoying each other's company.... Who knew.. if they knew that a few short months later he would take very ill... what would the last few months have been like... but..... they can only go forward... and even though it doesn't sound good for the brother... they will spend as much time as they can together.... I pray for my friends and their brother....

I know today..... that even though we all have things in our lives that are not pleasant, concern us.... that with the sun shining and being in this moment and doing what you can there and then.... it is all you really need to do..... whatever task you can accomplish in this moment, do your very best.... worry doesnt' live in that moment... be grateful for your blessings.... enjoy the moment....

Today my thoughts go to all that I have to do..... but choosing to clear one thing off my plate at a time, focusing on the one thing only is my salvation... this alone, is my choice...... choosing to live one moment at a time with one task at a time.... now that is clearning the clutter in a productive way... making room for more awesome things to come in....

Uncomfortably Comfortably Numb.... Frozen in time

2011-03-16T10:49:00.000-04:00

I have repeatedly read that you have to empty closets to make room for what you want in your life....if its full of old..... that if there is no space you can't invite new in.... is this a metaphor or truth????

If you are hanging on to history living in the past how do you step into the moment and make new memories..... if you hate your job and just plug away every day how do you expect to find a new one..... if you have a great big dream but... put blocks in the way because you think you can't start it for whatever reason how do you make the first move........ If you continue with something out of obligation and guilt how are you serving what you really want in your life... If you keep buying clothes that fit, how do you get uncomfortable and lose that weight?

It's so easy to get stuck.. indeed being stuck can make you uncomfortable and you may not even realize how much you really are until you move past it... in fact we make ourselves comfortable in it and the truth is that the fear of what lies on the other side is really that uncomfortable that we stay still..... don't move because you might change things, life as I know it will be forever different and I can't go back... once I make a decision, a real decision my landscape will look different, I will have different terrain to explore, boulders to move, new mountains to climb....... what if I don't like it once I get there can I turn around and reclaim the old ways, my old life........ can I???

I believe we can go back..... but..... is it really wise.... is it just comfort... what we already know.... many times when I have made a big change in my life its definitely not the easy road.... it gets tough... and when it gets hard my first reaction is to go back... do things the way I did them before... after 22 years my marriage was over..... I went back with my ex-husband because it was familiar and safe... was it right, was it different, was it better - absolutely not..... I invited the same crap that was there in the first place... the same uncomfortable comfort...

I have told myself that the devil I know is better then the one I don't many times..... I actually gained comfort out of the words as I talked myself into staying put in the exact moment that I really wanted to run as fast as my size 7 stilettos could carry me... the big however....... having experienced both sides I know in my heart that the exhilaration, liberation and feeling of pure joy lives on the other side and is much better then being uncomfortably comfortably numb any day!

I am doing it right now.... I am afraid.... I am torturing myself with decisions to let go, to move on, to step into the light of my big hairy dreams and just get them done..... I don't know which way to go.... I have one foot on one side of the fence firmly planted and defiantly stuck in the mud..... I have one foot tippy toeing in a beautiful crystal blue pool of freezing cold water teasing me, taunting me, calling me.... promising warmth and comfort once you get used to it..... I know what I should be doing (obligation and guilt keep me hanging on)..... I know what I want to do (walking meditations interrupt my day with visions of the finished project).... I know what I can do (been there before and can make anything successful).... but how will I choose....

I question my own intuition and abilities because I don't particularly trust them for some unknown reason.. I allow others to override mine... when in fact I know how strong mine really are... when I clear away the junk I can hear my inner voice, intuition or whatever you want to call it speaking... telling me what is right... what I should do... and although everyone around me is entitled to their opinion - it's mine that really counts isn't it???

So, for fun I had a numerology report and reading done....hmmmm was it for fun or was it for hope.... I was freaked out about this one... and please no disrespect intended here... it was pretty cool really and not what I expected.... she was dead on with a few things and then there was the big one....... I didn't give her any information about anything.... but she told me......that I was ending something this year, something big in my life and I was taking a long time to do it... agonizing over the decision.... should I stay or should I go... she told me that regardless of what I decided it would end......it could without much trouble or it could result in a very important friendship being lost... it was up to me...

Now I ponder...... is this really about trusting someone else to validate what I know or is it me looking for ways to hang in and hang on by the skin of teeth... ok ok its that damn fear again... what does it look like on the other side... and here it is - the biggie.... what can the new Tina handle.... truth time..... she can't handle all she did before... she knows that now... she is on a different path right now... one that needs much down time, much attention to her health, much awareness of when she is becoming overwhelmed and stressed, much use of the word "no" not being able to take on the world when asked....... much testing the waters to see what fits and what doesn't and much enthusiasm, time and energy into her great big dream......

What I know for sure which at this point is a funny thing for me to say... is that come sooner or later decisions need to be made in order for me to get my foot out of the mud, immerse myself in that cold water and allow it to get as warm as it can and as comfortable as possible.... listen to my intuition and great big intelligence as it speaks to me - heart and mind all together now... stop fighting what I know I want to do and get off my ass and do it!!!

Old Patterns Creep back in easily without a proper burial.......

2011-03-15T11:04:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I started to feel stressed and overwhelmed again... what is that??? Are you crazy.... 6 weeks to the day of your surgery and you are allowing this... what the hell are you thinking...... this is unacceptable..... the rhetoric in my head or that I am allowing myself to fall right back into old patterns of booking myself up?

Yes and Yes!!! I am quickly falling into old patterns... just add this one little thing.. and this event.... this meeting... it is only a meeting.... it's only for a few hours.... adding this and that because it's not much...... trying to be all and shove everything into one day and every day..... I absolutely have some obligations that must be taken care of this week and then there are others that I just keep piling on.......when I think about it.... do not have to be a focus for me at all....

The revelation came this morning when I realized that I was yet again allowing work things to come before health things... look at this sunshine and milder weather.... the perfect opportunity to go for a walk... as was yesterday.... did I take advantage... nope..... today.... what of today..... what is my main priority in my life.... work.... NO damn it... that was the old way of living.... what now? Well................ now is supposed to be health first..... which includes exercise, time to breathe and no guilt over choosing me over work.... right????

When someone else tells me I have alot of my plate, I may agree but truth is I don't agree.... because this is my norm, I don't think it.... but.... have to tell you... today I feel it... I feel weighed down right now... maybe because I am trying to pile it all back on at once.... I am feeling stronger and able to handle more things so why not just take it all back...... then there is the guilt part of it... why in the hell do I feel responsible for the entire world's well being, all the jobs on the planet (well at least the many in my life and work)......maybe that is why I can't drop this bloody weight... not to mention that no exercise thing right????

Hey wait a minute......hmmm I have something there.... so all of this "stuff" I feel I have to do, be and take responsibility for is too heavy..... for some reason I feel it's my duty to do this..... I feel guilty if I don't..... hmmm and the weight thing... is that part of it... because I am falling back into the same patterns so quickly maybe emotionally I think I deserve this weight too... hmmm maybe if I could get past all this stuff for once and for all I can shed this weight???? hmmmmm.........

Ok... well then.... I told Ossie this morning there are things that I have said yes to that I really mean NO!!! So now what... I can't just go back and say No can I??? Wouldn't that be wrong, rude, letting others down..... well here is the truth.... it will let me down and that is way more important...

I have some very important things that I agreed to and I will work on those.... the other "stuff" can just wait.... I am in control today.... and I choose peace and flow.... I will take a walk today because my health is a priority on my list.... I will work on the important documents that I promised for this week at a reasonable pace because that is all I can do.... hurry up and run your ass off results in stress, worry and not doing the best you can do... I will trust in what I can do today and not try and be all to everyone else.... that is what I can and will do....

Old habits and patterns will creep back in unless you give them a proper burial... I mean that unless you are truly ready to give them up, give them away or simply recognize that it's not up to you to save the world..... they will return... like a bad smell... it just doesn't go away unless you clean it up...... Removing the real reasons, getting to the root of the anxiety, understanding your need for it, why you feel you are obligated or responsible... what is the situation around it... can you remove habits that are associated with it first to get to the cause and lastly why do you insist on reliving it over and over..... it must be serving you somehow...

If we could see our life from the back end first, looking backwards what will we choose to spend time on and what will we never give another thought or even bother to include in our lives.....

Friendship... is understanding that one of us will always hold the umbrella.....

2011-03-14T11:04:00.000-04:00

This past New Years Eve Julia, Hugette and myself were drinking alot of wine and hanging in her hot tub and of course the conversation revolved around the whole breast cancer thing.... At that point for me it was the not knowing... the what if's and the huge roller coaster I was on.... so I said when this is done I want to get a tattoo.... yup a tat.... the one thing I swore I would never do... marking my body... hmmmm

For me..... this tattoo..... crazy idea that I had.... signified the end for me... the end of all the madness (or so I thought)...... getting it done at the end was imperative... not yet not yet.... it became so much more.....

The Pinkalicious Posse. Tina, Deb, Yvette, Mel, Ann-Marie, Anna, Julia

Julia, drunk I think, agreed to do it with me.... I couldn't believe she would do that because she is not a big lover of tattoos too..... she made a promise... then we told Ann-Marie..... she was in.... she already has a few and a ribbon that she did with her daughters... she has had some close calls and is about to do her call back mammogram (we are praying hard for her).... then Deb.... having had breast cancer and a mastectomy..... this too was meaningful for her.... Anna.... Julia's sister loved the idea, likes tats and is part of the posse.... Melanie... bless her... she is going out unmarked the way she came in..... and then there is our Yvette who even if she wanted couldn't... this week WILL be her 6th and final chemo... how poignant that we get it done this week.... forever marked... to remember and to gain strength together that we can fight anything!

My youngest son has a thing with tattoos... he loves them and we have fought and I have begged... please no more..... now at 23 mamma's choices don't hold water.....however on this one occasion he know the best place in town for some middle aged women to get a good one done safely.... so I told him I wanted one.... shock disbelief.... ok mom.... his friend and artist Rosanna drew a lovely sample - a black stiletto with the pink ribbon around it... awesome....

I have been able to be on both sides of the coin through all of this, which is such an awakening for me.... having spent those 3.5 months of my own life not knowing, in limbo.. on hold as I call it.... awaiting my own fate.... and supporting Yvette through the biggest fight of her life.... surgery, chemo and radiation to come.... I understand and feel the hurt for yourself and for your friend..... I get the feelings of uselessness because there is nothing you can do for her..... I have been inside the feelings of why me....... and the overwhelming question why her....... I have tried to figure this out on both sides..... tried to manipulate my mind into seeing only positive results for her first then myself.... I prayed to take it away from her... to make it easier for her.... to get it over with for her.... and I did the same for me.... I cried my eyes out more then I can tell you..... for her....

Forever rocking these heels for the girls!

Friendships in your life change and some evolve... while others you grow out of..... old friendships that grow with each of you as you change is lovely..... New friendships grow and blossom out of common interests and the pull of like minded - like hearted commonalities... both are blessings, it's with who you are now... no judgements.... no junk... it's mature, loving, fun..... real... its the opportunity to be so real with each other and then get over it... it's not worrying what they think after you have told them your secrets... and knowing that they won't tell the world... it's knowing when to leave some friendships behind that don't serve you, match your goals, who you are now .... and knowing that is ok... no guilt..... its an understanding that when it rains in each other's lives that one of us will always hold the umbrella.

Without the love, support, tears, hugs and laughter from friends this road would be much darker..... their light shines on your path to help you see that life goes on.... life is for living.... moping and staying down has no place.... they hold your hand so you feel secure.... they text you every moment they get to let you know it's ok... they are there..... they sternly guide you to make decisions at a moment that you just can't....... they listen and help to make sense because their voice of reason does make sense.... they hold the umbrella....

This pretty little tattoo is so much more to me now.... the symbol of rebirth.... of getting to start all over again.... of tomorrow... of stepping into our future together and alone stronger then ever... of love for ourselves and our girls...... love for our girlfriends, daughters, mothers........ of the feminine side of us....... of our strength to be able to fight whatever dares to cross our path....... of support for each other........ of hope............ friendship....... of life bursting to be lived...... of the moments we have shared and more importantly yet to share.... of blessings........ for all of us and for each of us.....

Forever reminded of how precious life is.... forever reminded of this time in our lives... yes in our lives because what I know for sure.... your tag team went through it with you... you never walk alone, even through your darkest moments, even through the times when you feel isolated and lonely, the times you can't seem to find the strength, the answer you need.... you are never alone when you have friends..... they hold they umbrella... you walk under it together......

Our Pinkalicious Posse.... fighting as a team for the girls... all the girls.... We are rocking these heels for the girls..... holding the umbrella for each other and all of us......

Are we really in control??

2011-03-12T10:29:00.000-05:00

At any given moment the ground under our feet can shake, open and swallow us up changing our lives or ending them all together...... we are but specs inhabiting this space on our planet no different then the tiny little ant we step on on the man made pavement....... how fragile our existence is here.... how powerful and ominous our earth can be....

In fact we are all living in waiting every single day... proof you want.... the earthquake in Japan and what followed... the tsunami... the earth angrily shifted causing the water to heave.... to lift... imagine the force of the shift... the power... watching the water pour over Japan as we tiny, insignificant beings could do nothing but watch... the people living there that could run did so.... but those that couldn't the mighty force of nature squished them out as if they were that tiny little ant on the pavement.....

I have often wondered why people would live in an area built on a fault... such as Japan.... and what about California.... why would you live there on purpose knowing that at any given moment you could be gone... mudslides, earthquakes..... all powerful.... all mighty....

I get it now... it really doesn't matter where we live really... this planet will move and shake at will... it is not up to us where this happens.. or what happens...living here on the Great Lakes I wonder - can it happen here... I expect that it can... we are not in control... not at all...

Our existence here is so fragile... so fragile that it's time we wake up and live the moments of our lives as fully as we can... stop stressing, stop chasing, stop worrying....... and get on with living and loving..... if you knew that tomorrow your life would end - what would you do?????? Ponder it.... really think about it..... because reality is that none of us can ever know or truly predict that exact moment that a force of nature will pound down upon us and wipe us out..

I won't spend time worrying about doom and gloom, in fact I feel another wake up call.... in all parts of the world we have yet again been given a warning.... the life we have been given is a gift.... this moment is a gift..... and the air we breathe is gift.... the soil we plant in - who says it belongs to you..... the flowers in the garden are not yours.... you may have planted them but at any given moment the heavens can beat down golf ball size pellets and destroy them....

Every bit of what we have on this earth is on loan.... precious...... deserving of our respect and love.... as is our lives.... every single moment of our lives... 1440 minutes in this day.. this gift.. choosing to spend them respecting and honouring ourselves is essential because tomorrow you may be at war fighting for your rights even your life or you may be boarding up your home preparing for the hurricane or you may be whipped around inside a tsunami or caught in a powerful snowstorm that blankets you and everything around you in heavy snow or in an earthquake that topples the building you are in....

Positively on purpose with intense desire to breathe in clean air living your incredible life today... that is your job..... your only real duty you need to do today... to honour your planet.... to enjoy my 1440 moments with my loved ones and friends..... to love as hard as I can..... letting go of worry.... if we really live in the moment we see that worry doesn't exist.... for that moment is peace.... you cant change the past nor can you predict the future.... and why on earth would you want to....

Today, try this exercise with me.... every time you start to worry or think about what has to be done tomorrow.... stop yourself..... and breathe..... bring yourself back to this moment.. this one tiny moment.. clear your mind... let go of all the other stuff in your head and just be....

Try it... you will find after you do it a few times it may happen without you even realizing it... being in a moment where you must deal with something is ok... of course there are issues that you must deal with..... but the truth is worrying about them for days, weeks or months without a solution in mind... does nothing....

Today.... all you have to do is be.... enjoy the moments....

It found me... I didn't go looking for this..... It found me!

2011-03-11T10:43:00.000-05:00

Look here! Enough already..... Lately there is just too much going on.... too many people being affected by disease and fighting for their life.... too many learning of health issues they have and some losing the battle right in front of us..... enough...

Yesterday started out as any ordinary day..... as normal got myself into the shower and started my morning prayer... only this day... I chose to change up my routine... I typically thank my maker for all my blessings, thank him for keeping my family and friends safe, for all the little things that I don't ever want to take for granted again.... and then ask for what I want .. you know seek and ye shall find... I believe ask and it shall be given... so if you don't ask you won't get... give up my burdens then.... tell him the main goals of the day and beyond and then lift my hands palms up and say I am open to receive all good things that will take me to my goals....

Note: I am not a religious fanatic... I believe in what I believe in and feel that each one of us believes in something.... we gain strength from different sources and if it's a higher power or being of some sort then so be it..... I do.... I have faith in what I believe and I don't feel the need to pretend anything different.....

On this day, I started out by being grateful and then asked my maker to take care of Yvette... stop the nose bleeds... stop the pain she is in.... and I started to tear up..... but could go on... then added my friend Joy... her double mastectomy is booked now for March 22nd... and I asked that he take care of her... her new journey... the pain be minimal... her gentle spirit be cradled.... and I lost it.... completely lost it..... I cried so hard.. I sobbed chest wrenching sobs that I could hear the sounds but didn't get where they came from... my legs went like jello and I went down on my knees - slowly it seemed to happen but I couldn't control it... I asked why I was spared this time around... why I have been given this opportunity and not them..... why not them and why me.....

As suddenly as it happened, I got calm........ really calm in fact... like the water somehow washed it away.... like I was answered.... like I felt in my heart that they would both be ok..... like I heard the answer.... I was chosen to receive this gift so that I could be strong and be a voice for those that can't.... so I could raise my voice to stop this insanity.... to speak out for prevention and preservation..... to educate as much as I can...... I can...... to fully understand that the path I am on with the Stilettos is the one I am meant to be on.... it found me..... I didn't go looking for this... it found me......

Today, I receive an email from my cupcake - Mandy the cupcake girl.... her tumor in her brain is growing..... and she is having surgery on March 30th.... this lovely girl is so positive... what a journey she is on.... and her husband... how amazing he is..... the 2 of them are so delightful.. her smile lights up a room..... You will see at the Stilettos event because she is going to be there.... oh yes she is!!!!!

I think of my friend Kathleen who has just had a hysterectomy March 1st, due to presence of cervical cancer.... been there so I know.... I can relate... Kathleen is such a sweetie and of course her faith has her wrapped in a giant hug with the warmest heated blanket... that doesn't lose its heat... and a big fluffy pillow....

I await news on my friends M & D.... who are both experiencing health issues.... and I know they are both going to take it in their strides and get done what needs to be done to maintain health.... they are amazing people with hearts of gold.... and for some reason they are being given this to learn something.... who knows..... but I pray for them too...

My mom, my poor mom had to go to the hospital yesterday to have a piece of her bottom lip cut out... yuck.. she has had so much trouble - she is susceptible to cold sores and has suffered with them as long as I can remember... last year she went to see a doc and she burnt it off... at the hospital the doc says that should have never been done... so he cut it.. imagine having stitches in your lip.. you can't eat, you can't even yawn... ouch.. poor mommy..... I love my mom more then anything...... now we wait 2 weeks for pathology results....

I took my 96 year old grandmother homemade soup yesterday... yes I made soup... traditional Ukrainian borscht... yummy... I made it for her because she can't see very well anymore, her leg gives her so much pain.. she can barely walk around without pain.... she is so little.... and I just don't know how much time I have left... she talks about how even at 80 and 90 she felt ok.. and now she feels bad.... and you know people have to die sometime... what in the hell do you say? Let me tell you this has been one tough cookie... she has scared the best of us into doing what she thinks is best... sometimes with just a look.... I remember being a 14 year old know it all girl, sitting beside my Baba on a bus heading to Florida for a week and I had decided that it was time to tell her I smoked.... so I said Baba I smoke.... she didn't say anything for a long time and simply said "why" as she stared out the window... I wasn't expecting that response so had no idea what to say... I replied " I quit"..... after that I did continue to smoke for years... in fact quit 7 years ago started again 3 years ago and then 18 months ago I quite for good this time... but I will tell you - I hid it from her - family gatherings, parties or anything... I never smoked... ever in front of her... I felt like that 14 year old girl every time my Baba was coming.....

I include my family and my friends.... because I love them..... I was going on yesterday to someone about how I love something... I love it... love it... love it..... and then I received an email back saying one line.... yes don't forget the love.... I stared at it and thought about this deeper for a minute....

Ya love... what the world needs now... what is life without love... that's what makes the world go round doesn't it.... why do people take that for granted? Why do they abuse it, neglect it and even choose to live without it.. when its more important then anything.. after air, food and water.. all there is is love.....

Much love to you today... much love to the people I love... much love to those suffering in Japan and around the world today.... that's the only thing that theres just too little of......

Surrender to it.... I can still be Queen of the World!! Oh yes I can!!

2011-03-10T10:33:00.000-05:00

When I drive I think.... sometimes I turn the music right down so that I have no interference and can be alone with my thoughts.... other times I am in such deep thoughts that I don't even hear the radio... eyes riveted on the road, mind deep in a creative moment or some other worldly problem I think I am responsible for..... whatever it is... it is a great refuge for me... thinking time... no noise... no one around... I can't do that at home because Ossie just talks all the time or sings really badly.... togetherness hmmm???

Yesterday, I drove to Mississauga for the second time this week... on Monday it was to pick up a jewelry and purse order... (have lots of new bling ladies for the gala and the Stilettos event... it will be in my office next week to see... ) and yesterday to a legal appt.... as I drove the ramp a thought hits me... at that moment I think hmmm wow that was profound.. hang on a minute.. let me get onto the 401, reach a cruising speed and then really think about this.... oh what if I forget it... I have gotten really good at writing a quick one line down on a pad I carry with me.... because I don't look as I write sometimes I can barely read it and thank goodness I got black seats..... soooo my thought.... I was thinking about another chapter for my book and how important it is when trying to figure out the whole Living under the Influence....

Now, this year for me, according to numerology..... is a year to end things, put to pasture projects, work or whatever that isn't serving me anymore, things that have run their course for me, things that are holding me back from realizing my real purpose and dreams as they are right now..... and a year for me to come to terms with my human imperfection... OMG I just said it..... I am human and not perfect.... good thing I am turning 48 this year and don't really care anymore whether you know I am perfect or not... because even 10 years ago... ok truth is even last year.... I still struggled with this... letting you, the entire world know that I, Tina Lee Dezsi wasn't perfect.....but now.... I hope by me sharing my story and insights that I can help you..... because I know you are out there.. those that suffer with this as well... and by relating to my journey... in real time...maybe you will see how brilliant you really are....

Oh ya... my thought.... I worked and worked and strived to reach the top.... top of what still to be determined.... took detours that I now know were lessons, beat myself up for jobs not done to my expectations, looked in the mirror and told this incredible woman how horrible she was, once even told her she didn't deserve to live, another time told her she was so fat and ugly that she had no idea why anyone would even want to be with her..... I told her how stupid she was, yelled at her for her mistakes and for not measuring up to her own expectations...... I threw things at the mirror in anger and burst into tears when I saw her face.... I was so nasty to her yet to the world I appeared confident and put together (know this because others actually told me this) whew.. the jig is working... the facade I choose to wear is good.... doing a good job... well pat yourself on your back for that one cookie...

During this entire time I met incredible women and men who were achieving their dreams, whose brilliance shone so bright that you didn't need lights on in the room, who reeked of success and boasted it.... ah but they did have a right to.. they earned it... so why on earth could I not be happy for them... why did my stomach turn when I heard their story... why would I find a fault.... and justify it through a big explanation as I told someone else and to myself.... why would I actually feel disgusted or pissed off by them instead of inspired that another human being had achieved whatever their hearts desire was and damn it..... they are a beacon to us... a light at the end of the tunnel that proves to us... just do it... you can do it... you are as brilliant as me.... come on Tina......

I realized that it was never about them.....never.... it was me... fully me.. I admit it... that twinge was jealousy.... I felt threatened by them, by their success, by their brilliance, by how much better they were then me, I measured my lack of success (my perceived lack of success), how I looked, how I spoke, the jewelry they wore was better then me..... every detail was better and I was threatened...... I thought why them and not me.... Then realizing I was causing my own demise here.... that until I realize that I do this and why... I will never cross the threshold fully.... fully.... so I decided to figure it out...

In doing so, I learned that by me constantly beating myself up and telling myself all the nasty things I would never do or say to a friend I was keeping myself there... feeling smaller..... I started to turn it around by journaling all the amazing things I have accomplished, patting myself on the back for dressing the way I want to... not your style... Tina style..... I stopped... calling myself out in the mirror and walking out the door even when I felt I looked terrible, too fat and stopped putting myself down....

What I relized was the catch in all of this... positive affirmations only work when the heart and mind are connected... you can say them out loud, write them on your mirror in lipstick, on a paper and put it on the fridge but if you don't feel them for real, in your heart, then they are just phony! You say it but you don't feel it... only this time you argue in your head and tell yourself to turn it around... hmmm sounds to me like there is no connection there.... Soon your heart will win..... EVERY TIME..... I believe it's a shift in your heart that has to happen... then come the positive affirmations and thoughts...

Because I no longer have this feeling when I meet someone who I consider brilliant (meaning smarter, sharper and more successful then me - words from Michelle Peavy's talk on Tuesday) I feel grateful that I have been given the gift of being in the room at that moment to hear them share their stories.... I love to hear others tell me how they did it... how great they feel... I love for them to be full of themselves and their brilliance... oh yes I do.... because it fills me up, my heart grows..... not what they did as much as how they feel about it and the biggie.... that they are proud of themselves..... I can see in their faces the radiance of their heart shining through when it is for real.... that touches me... and gives me hope..... inspires me..... if the love and passion in their heart drives them to be their best person then damn it... I can be Queen of the World.... as I used to say when I was a kid standing on a hill... back then... I so believed I would rule the world... I did... I did...

I like numerology.... because it's not fake... it is numbers and based on your birth date... not into too much else like this but... so I have booked a reading with a friend of Val's for tomorrow.... can't wait for her to tell me what the numbers say about my incredible year ahead journey!!!! My great big juicy succulent future awaits me...

Final thought today.... Surrender to it.... go ahead... and you do not have to give yourself away in the process... surrender.. fall deep into that place where your jealousy lives and give it up!!!!

Preservation, Prevention and a Story of a Life.... just beginning!

2011-03-09T09:49:00.000-05:00

What's your story? We all tend to hang on every word of others stories thinking they are bigger and juicier then ours..... that somehow their life story is more significant and that the trials they have been through are more important for some reason..... What makes them any different then us.... the difference is that they have realized that their story IS important... they may have learned the lesson or lessons.... they realize that by sharing it... maybe just maybe... they can help prevent it happening to someone else, or help others see that it's ok and look what they have done with their lives... therefore inspire.....

I woke up this morning thinking that I am one blessed girl.... and did my usual morning prayer to my maker in the shower... only today I focused on being grateful for the stories that are being shared with me.....yesterday was my big first day out..... to the POWE Markham meeting..... since I am still pooping out early, getting short of breath and shaky I need to conserve energy and not be my typical bouncy self.... but... that didn't stop me from participating and meeting new connections..... hugs from familiar faces...... nice.... just nice.....

Michelle Peavy was our speaker... and how POWErful it was.... she shared her story in metaphors.... how at 29 she was on the ride of her life and bam... cervical cancer hit.... after treatments she got back on track and got busier with her life and her work.... and SPLAT... again.... her cancer came back.... and her best friend had a stroke and went into diabetic shock and lost her eye site.... caring for her she was even more determined to live her life and it happened one more time.... her Mack Truck hit (in the words of Stefanie Antunes, in the book Power of Women United) hit hard when her 2nd best friend was in a major car accident and paralyzed.... she has gone on to live her passion of singing and telling her story so that other women may learn and stop the Mack Truck at a big red stop sign before it crashes into them..... (Michelle is signing at the POWE Gala on April 29th... you really must see her!)

Her story is very similar to mine and it made me weepy..... it made me see how important it is for me to share this....... gave me an even deeper conviction in knowing that I was chosen for this... maybe not to cure breast cancer or cervical cancer but to share insights into prevention.... to share my story.. the full story and use what I can to inspire others....

I was up getting some lunch when a woman says she wants to chat with me... she reads my blog... and she sits at my table... in a flash of a second she tells me she has been diagnosed with breast cancer and then goes on networking.... I am amazed by her smile and her just participating in the reason why she came that day.... Later on we chat.... she tells me her story, how she was diagnosed with DCIS - breast cancer in the ducts.. which is a good one to get.... how they are doing a mastectomy - wow why..... then she tells me her mother had breast cancer and had a lumpectomy years ago and she has a cousin who had it as well.... now this cousin is a doctor and decided to have the mastectomy.... does she have the gene... she is being tested later on... but I honour her today.... Marlene is a woman of courage..... a woman of substance..... and a woman trying to save her life...... she has chosen to have a double mastectomy.... preservation and prevention..... I feel the calmness from her, she hasn't yet determined what this is all about and is searching for a sign... what is the lesson here... what is she supposed to do with this after... she's not making any plans for after yet... she is collecting her thoughts.. looking to regain her health.... waiting to hear her course of treatment....
Wow.... bravery lives in Marlene!!!! I am touched that she shares her story with me....... surgery.... in 2 weeks.... Marlene we will pray for you....

I am more determined then ever to share this little light of mine..... actually, it's a great big bright white light that now glows with iridescent pink.... I too have been chosen to live an extraordinary life.... I have always felt passionate about one thing or another... a pair of shoes... jewelry.... my business.... my kids.... and I still do but knowing today that there is a significance to each and every thing I went through.... that it is just not ordinary to have have a birth of your son and in the same year be diagnosed with cervical displasia (beginnings of cervical cancer) at 26... have 11 minor surgeries and treatments in that one year, to have a full blown hysterectomy at 27.... to less then 2 years later have your gall bladder removed..... to suffer with endometriosis so severe that you end up in hospital because the pressure of an ultrasound is too much... to end up having that last sacred ovary out at 36 to send you into full blown menopause and on HRT... way before your time... to struggle with these female issues that women my age don't.... only to go onto find that lump in my breast.... whew.... and for me... the entire time I was so very busy trying to prove my worth to the world and to everyone else that I neglected my fragile health that was hanging by a thread... ignoring signs all along.... dodging bullets... working my butt off harder then I did the day before..... not eating well... not sleeping well... wait working more...... taking on too many projects at once... not really being affective at any in my own eyes..... needing to give more and do more then any other human woman.... weakening my armour..... because I had so much to prove..... to whom????? Well, you and then me of course....

My story is significant.... my life is juicy..... my gifts are tremendous..... what I do with it all... I have been given this life, this journey to live.......share.... and truly be the change I want to see in my world going forward... inspire others to motivate themselves to first take care of their health..... to treat themselves better then they would their best friend... to slow down and head the yeild signs..... and to live their great big juicy life..... what's your story????

We are the Daughters they were fighting for... Our better life is here!

2011-03-08T09:51:00.000-05:00

So how do you decide what is right... just or just obligation.... oh wait isn't it really just the feeling of obligation? Who decides what we are obligated to do or be? When is it time to start feeling an obligation to yourself.... do you put others needs and wants ahead of your own.... out of obligation.... to what.... to the friendship, to a family member.... do you have a choice in these matters or does obligation out weigh it all.....
hmmm pondering this today..... No stress right............. nope..... deciding my feelings are the most important and what I decide is to remain stress free.... Thank you God I have this choice!

Happy International Women's Day... today is an important day indeed... we take for granted all the liberties and rights we have today, when only a few short years ago... 100 to be exact these liberties and rights were out of reach for women right here in Canada and the United States of America.....

What is IWD: International Women's Day (8 March) is a global day celebrating the economic, political and social achievements of women past, present and future. ... From 1908 -1910 great unrest among women was present.... Great unrest and critical debate was occurring amongst women. Women's oppression and inequality was spurring women to become more vocal and active in campaigning for change. Then in 1908, 15,000 women marched through New York City demanding shorter hours, better pay and voting rights.

Marking this monumental event is marches and events all over our planet.... what we take for granted today as a given in our world here in Canada and the US is not respected and observed in all countries... then again ladies.... is it all really respected and observed in our great countries the same as it is in others....

2011..... International Women's day is an official holiday in Afghanistan, Armenia, Azerbaijan, Belarus, Burkina Faso, Cambodia, China (for women only), Cuba, Georgia, Guinea-Bissau, Eritrea, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Laos, Madagascar (for women only), Moldova, Mongolia, Montenegro, Nepal (for women only), Russia, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan, Uganda, Ukraine, Uzbekistan, Vietnam and Zambia. The tradition sees men honouring their mothers, wives, girlfriends, colleagues, etc with flowers and small gifts. In some countries IWD has the equivalent status of Mother's Day where children give small presents to their mothers and grandmothers....

International Women's day should not be swept under the carpet or ignored... the rights of women are very fragile everywhere... Issue that United Nations and IWD have focused on are:

•In India, About 20,000 brides are burned to death every year because of lacking dowries. The groom's family will attempt the bride on fire, an accident or suicide. The groom is also free when he goes to remarry.

•In several countries, women have been raped, and sometimes killed by their individual families to protect the family's honor. Honor killings have been reported in Gulf countries
•According to UNICEF, 100 million to 150 million girls and women have gone through female genital mutilation. Today, this female genital mutilation is accepted in 28 African countries, despite the truth that it is banned in a number of these nations.
•Rape as a weapon of war has been used in the world.

Today I dedicate to my mother, my grandmother, my girlfriends, my son's fiance, my staff, business associates, our nurses, doctors personal support workers, or housekeepers - all women who are working each day for the betterment of their lives and their families... quietly holding it all together....

Today celebrate even if just for a moment all the blessings and thank your maker for the fight that your foremothers did in your honour for we are the daughters that they were dreaming would have a better life........

Struggling With Difference between Excitement for Life and Stress?

2011-03-07T09:57:00.000-05:00

Ok it's almost 5 weeks since surgery and it's still black and blue and hard.... and to top it off last night when I rolled over I on it and OMG... that shot me straight up in the bed... pain.... searing through this poor boob...... hey wait that's attached..... do I get up to take an Aleve... no... not me.... I want to sleep.... I don't sleep well... ever...

Waking up after a fitful night of sleep I stagger into the shower, eyes closed, banging into walls, looking like a mad woman with my hair all over the place.... (in the morning I do look insane) and let the water run over me as I slowly open my eyes... the shower is like a refuge to me... this is the place I can pray without even a cat around and the hotter the water the better...

Today, I pray that Nadera and her girls are seeking some solace in their memories and my heart goes out to them...... imagine what you would do??? What any of us would do.... when in a moments notice your entire life changes.... of course death is the ultimate finality but think about changes, tragedies you have been through, losses of jobs, children moving away, parents ill or passing away, friends with cancer, a new puppy, a new home, a new grandchild....... all of these incidents change who we are from that day forward...

This new me.... the one that is working on staying stress free..... (ok as much as possible) sometimes allows the old Tina to poke through and get excited about things... when she shows up, there is chaos, she's nosey this one.... she wants to control a situation and know everything about everything that is going on in that moment.... The new me.... well she just has to learn how to deal with those times the best she can.... it took 47 years for the old Tina to become who she was... hmmmm how long will it take for the new me to take over completely.... the calmer, less excited me....

You know what scares me.............. I am struggling between what is excitement and energy for life and what is pure reaction to stress.... the adrenaline rush I would get when I got excited about an idea.. doesn't that mean you are alive??? I want to be alive... I don't want to give that feeling up.... I want to be happy, full of enthusiasm for that moment and excited to be alive.... nothing is wrong with that right????? right?

I am that person... happy..... positive.... enthusiastic about life, full of energy (ok getting there... really I am) excited to see what the next moment is going to bring, how it will unfold...... I have decided that I don't really want to calculate out every single minute.... I want them to unfold and I am not going to stress over that... I will of course continue to have some structured work... I have to... however I will also let it unfold easily ad naturally..

When I am in tune with me, the inner me......I feel still and quiet inside.....I am open to receive... feeling grateful and alive.... my maker always presents signs and opportunities that will take me closer to my desire... to my goals... he also presents lessons along the way....... if I miss them it's because I am so intent on something and the receptors to receiving are shut down.... then my world does need to be controlled....

Today as I head out to fill a jewelry order.... I will sing along with my radio station Boom fm - sing loudly and just be in this moment.. calmly... peacefully and in no particular rush.....

A Monday without rushing..... enjoy!!!

Shaken to Realize.... This is the Potential Middle of My Life... or NOT!

2011-03-06T10:57:00.000-05:00

Have you ever wondered why something happens to you... why you were in that exact place at that exact moment.... why you were chosen....... why you decided to take a detour and when you did finally get there something happened.... why you think of someone then the phone rings and it's them.....

Yesterday, I got an answer to one of the why's..... Deb and I went to see my 96 year old grandmother so she could do her foot care...... me, just visit Baba (Ukranian for Gramma) she is so tiny, starting to appear frail to me and now actually accepting of some help.... and how blessed am I to still have her....

Thursday, I am taking lunch and going to Baba's while we slowly hunt through the treasure trove of shoe boxes from the 40's. 50's and 60's for my Stilettos for the Cure (which she got very excited about) and since she was always in dresses and high heels we are sure to find some awesome vintage shoes for the auction....

We left there and went to do a bank deposit, I ran in and Deb stayed in the car.... when I got back she said there is a commotion going on over there - do you think I should go... I said yes if you feel you want to..... being a Registered Nurse.... she is called to duty.....

She ran over in the pouring rain to have a friend and business colleague Nadera turn around with a look of horror on her face... she grabbed Deb and pulled her towards her vehicle.. the doors wide open, some people standing around.... I could not see the face as of yet, and drove my vehicle around to where they were and OMG that's Nadera... I got out and she promptly pulled her 2 little girls ages 6 and 9 out of the vehicle and brought them to me... they were sitting in the back seat.... this in itself was profound.... "Go with my friend Tina.... Tina take them..... my husband has had a stroke..."

OMG..... I look down at these babies and put them both in the front seat with me..... Deb is over with him at the car... the littlest one looks at me.... 6 years old.... looks right into my eyes and says "Is my daddy going to die?" Writing this... my chest is tight..... my eyes are full of tears now... they could not be then... I needed to remain strong...... smiling as we heard the sirens..... smiling as Deb stepped out of the car and looked straight at me with a quick shift of her head and darting down of her eyes she told me.... he is not going to make it....

Ok, ok.... I need to do something with the girls here.... Nadera is way too calm... shock is setting in... she knows... she just looks at me, opens the door and tells her girls she loves them very much.... the ambulance arrives and puts him on a stretcher, no sirens, no sounds now, doors shut (right in front of my vehicle) I can't move... I am blocked... I can't take the girls away from this scene.... they watch an ambulance 10 feet in front of them with closed doors, paramedics inside, one guarding the doors, the fire engine shows up, EMS vehicle comes.... this is not good.... this is not good... keep talking... so how old are you now I say to the oldest one... do you remember me... it's been about 2 years since I have seen you... what a big girl you have become... the little one says I don't remember you... I say I have seen her many times when she was younger and I know her mommy well and it eases her mind...... and she says ok....

We talk about what they bought shopping.. they tell me they needed new clothes because they are growing... these are very intelligent little beings... staying strong, no tears yet.... Is my daddy going to be ok... Daddy had a heart attack you know before... he hasn't been feeling well lately, his business associate (not kidding - we are talking intelligent children) had a stroke and daddy has been worried about her.... daddy has been stressed (from a 9 year old!!) because he has been having an audit at work.... my daddy is not supposed to have stress.....

I am trying very hard to keep it together, not for me, for the girls... I know in my heart... this is not good..... this is not good..... I can see Deb's face..... I can see the EMS workers..... I know.... my own intuition says this is not going to end well...... what grade are you girls in now... what are your teachers names.....

It seemed like an hour that we sat there... it wasn't.... a woman helps Nadera... she can't go in the ambulance right now, I open my window she throws me her keys, she calls her sister on her cell..... all she says is the address of her sisters to me..... this is one time I hope I have my GPS in the car... wait I know that area I used to live near there... we will take the girls there and have them pick up your vehicles..... she opens the door..... I love you girls very much she says... stay with Tina.... our back seat is full... Deb and I were shopping -Deb moves everything back so the girls can get into the back... "I miss my daddy, please let my daddy be ok...... I am scared for my daddy"

Deb tells the EMS worker that we need to get these kids out now.... they get a car to move and we squeeze out... leaving Nadera there waiting.... just waiting....

As we drive to their aunts house we try to engage the girls in small talk... they are such brave little souls..... the little one says "please let my daddy be ok" over and over as if praying.... the older one touches her hand and says it's ok... my heart breaks even more.... we talk about their new clothes... and the older one just wants to tell us about dad... and his stress.... we let her.... we just let her.....

Deb takes them inside their aunts home..... the girls sob their heart out.......... she tells her the words no one wants to hear.................. BE PREPARED......................................

As soon as they are out of the car, I shake uncontrollably......... almost violently in fact....... I can't believe we are there just at the moment.... OMG what would she have done with the girls...... we have known each other for 9 years - the oldest one was a baby when I met her... why............. why on Friday did I mention her name when I haven't seen her in ages....... why................ why, because it was meant to be...... Deb was meant to be with me...... she was meant to be there for Nadera... a familiar face in the middle of a shopping centre parking lot on a busy Saturday afternoon....... I was meant to be there so she could deal with the situation and have the girls removed safely......

I take it a step further.... I was meant to see another sign................... yes a sign...... after the shaking and shock of what just happened subsided.... I realized this too was a sign for me.... that without health WE HAVE NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last night....... we received word..... his chances have run out..... he passed away...

I am shaken.... I only met the man once... I am so sad for those little girls, for her.... for her journey to come..... for when the shock wears off and reality of that moment sinks in......

However on the other hand I am moved..... because once again my maker has shown me profound life and death in the same moment and on the same day.... I have a choice now..... another chance.... the biggest opportunity of my life.... the stage is set, the spotlights are on, beaming brightly down on me... this will be the make or break it performance of my life.... everything wrong that I have done in my life... every neglect of my health.... every stressful moment I chose in my life up to this point.... can be my story, my herstory but doesn't have to be my future... I stand alone in the middle of my life... (my grandmother was 48 when I was born.... ) I am turning 48.... this is the potential middle of my life.....

To be or not to be.............

Saturday Morning Suprise!!!

2011-03-05T11:20:00.000-05:00

Stumbled downstairs after a long night of tossing and turning.... a few years back I thought I was investing in a mattress that was going to amazing... in the store if felt like I didn't want to get up.... one would think a $5000 mattress would be like sleeping on a pillow right? Wrong, this is like a rock.... so in 3 years I bet I have spent just as much on feather beds, more pillow toppers, egg crate toppers and covers searching for the comfort to be able to sleep through the night.... Last night I was so uncomfortable I turned what felt like 100 times... until finally the bed threw me out with such a sore back.....

Ossie was on the phone.... you know those mornings where you are bumping into walls, barely able to grunt, it's dark and gloomy outside and he hands you the phone... man.... I haven't even combed my hair what in the hell makes you think I want to talk on the phone.... it's my sister Tina (calling from England...) oh that's ok then....

She says what's this you sleeping til 10am... I tell her the story and she says..... like a Brit would .... right then, we are coming for the month of April.... myself and Nadia (her daughter) WHOOO HOOOOO ARE YOU KIDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so excited!!!!!! I love having them here... it's like my sister coming home.... and Nadia.... OMG I love that girlie..... she just got accepted to Nottingham University in England... how awesome is that!!!!!!

But...... there is a catch.... she is on a mission to lose weight.... well as you know....... that is a mission of mine.... so when she is here this is motivation for me.... to do my Weight Watchers on the mark, yoga classes, she wants to do Zumba... me too and walk and walk and walk..

And............. this is good for another reason..... I have a back room that needs to be cleaned out, and an exercise room that.... well we set up but didn't clean the rest of the junk out.... and now I have to do it.... how cool is that................ so now Ossie has to move his butt for the month of March to get this stuff ready...

My son Justin is getting married in September and Bonnie and him decided to have a few yard sales in place of the typical Jack & Jill because everyone is so scattered, her family is in Alberta and Peterborough, we are here, the kids are in Burlington and friends are all over the map so it's just not fair to have everyone come here and spend on hotels and such..... so they have asked everyone for donations for their yardsale.... they have to store it somewhere so guess whose garage is getting full??????? oh yes..... mom's is the best place isn't it???

Again, more motivation to keep going on Clearing my Clutter.... so March is a busy busy time... and today I am going to see my 96 year old grandmother and take the puppy for a visit, Mandy is dropping of cupcakes for our birthday party for my Zakadoodle (the big 23 this week) and pizza is dinner....and salad of course!!!!!!

Happy Saturday.... just be in every single moment in the day.... that's all we have to do....

No Without Sorry Attached..... Proof of My Insane Tipping Point!!!!

2011-03-04T10:52:00.000-05:00

What do people expect of you and from you???? Do you measure up to their expectations???? Do you feel guilty if you don't.... do you feel it's your duty to make sure that you are everything and more because if not, then you are worth little or nothing.... in their eyes..... in your own eyes or in your heart..... do you feel deserving if you don't measure up to their expectations? Do you have extremely high expectations of yourself and above all else you will meet them.... and when you don't.... well there is hell to pay in the mirror!

Yup...... up until a few months ago this was me.... ok the truth is out.... I have struggled with this my entire life..... even though all the books, workshops and coaches in my life teach me differently.... The last few days, it has really been present in my life and tested me as to how I now deal with this....... do I really still feel this way??

Nothing like a real live health scare to awaken your entire self physically, emotionally and mentally to the truth of your existence...... that you are here as an individual, you are here with your own path, purpose and reasons.... what you have either set up in the face of others that resulted in their expectations is unnecessary and worse...... a cage that you are in......

The old Tina would have gotten her back up, become resentful and angry but........................ even though she would have been defiant she would have gone overboard to ensure it was done, but wait.......not just done.....done better and faster then anyone could have imagined it...... and her badge of honour.... well that would be boldly displayed as she sat with her shoulders back with a smug look on her face and a snide remark zinged at the person responsible for making her feel this way...... all the while she would have been thinking about the person, the much too high expectations and that she will show them!!!

Now, during this crazy time, the insane rhetoric that would go on in her mind would be frantically trying to reason with herself that she is ok, good, even better then what they think...... just like the devil and angel sitting on opposite shoulders her mind would do the same to her.... (told you I was on the edge of insanity)

I would be desperately trying to please that person, exceed their expectations because their opinion of me was my judgement of myself..... in my mind..... I would guess and predict what their opinion of me was......I gaged my worth on their expectations, their approval, their disapproval, whether the job was done well.... not just done to best of my ability but to theirs..... and how I thought they would perceive me after..... oh yes.... does this make them like me now... am I worthy of their attention and time......

Killing myself, mentally and physically to please others.... because this makes me worthy........ it makes it allowable for me to be present... I earned my keep..... mistakes...OMG don't let that happen.... and when they do.... hide.... that can't be.... what kind of person are you.... you should have known better.... and so on...

The Word "No" could not exist without a "sorry" to go with it.... today, I ponder.... am I really sorry I can't do it.... no, not really.... I am liberated.... because I am choosing what I need to do or be and ultimately really want......

This last 4 months has taught me this...... I am truly worthy of my attention.......... undivided in fact..... not in a way that when I think of how I deserve it, I feel resentful and want to fight for my rights.... not at all... but in a way of knowing that the time has come for me to put my health, well being and yes... my fragile sanity... in a precious velvet lined box, protected with a solid casing tied up with a lovely pink bow.. (pink for my healing and joy) fully comprehending it's fragility, understanding with my entire heart and being that at any moment it can drop... and who on earth will pick up the pieces...... who is truly responsible for it...... who can prevent, take precautions and say no........ who at the end of the day can make you feel less then worthy of it..... whose hands can it slip so easily out of........ who..... the answer is obvious intellectually but from the heart do you believe it??? Yes.... I most certainly do......

On this day, I pledge allegiance and take an oath to myself, the person staring at me from my mirror, in front you dear mortal friend with my hand over my heart and to my maker.... that I, Tina Lee Dezsi being of sound mind and body (matter of opinion... mine of course) do solemnly swear that I will take a breath every time I feel pressured to measure up to your expectations and the time needed to decide if that twinge is just old reflexes or truly worthy of my attention......... I will forsake all others needs and desires when it conflicts with my good sense and goes against my needs, desires and health....... I will be faithful to my physical, emotional and mental health putting this first in everything I do.... treating my body as a temple.... live fully in the present, day by day in prevention mode........ I will seek to out new opportunities to live simply while I fulfil what I believe to be my innate purpose here on this planet..... I will share what I feel I can and that which I feel necessary with you and nothing more....... I will feed myself well..... body, mind and soul..... and I will live my life the best I can... loving more then I have to, with my heart wide open ready to receive as well.... and lastly dear ones....... I will say the word no in a sentence without the word sorry attached and be ok with it........

This is now my new daily prayer, my pledge to myself.... when I take care of me... my world is a better place... when I am at peace, my world is simple around me.... and a hush falls over the voice in my head that tells me "I should"...........

Optimal Health is a choice!

2011-03-02T11:14:00.000-05:00

I pray in the shower every morning... but I have to admit... I prayed differently over those 3.5 months of living on hold... I prayed harder and more desperately.... I usually thank my maker for all my blessings, ask for him to look after my loved ones, ask for special help for people needing extra attention right now, tell him what my great big dreams are, ask for strength and guidance to follow the right paths towards them.... I always end with telling him that I am open to receive all good things he has to show me and that will take me closer to my goals...

Having danced with the other side (in my mind) of having to fight for my life.... I prayed differently... I prayed that he would show me why he gave me this gift and how to use it either way... benign or malignant there was a reason why..

I believe I know many reasons why, and have many to learn yet.... an an opportunity to change the way I was living and working to save myself from the other side.... now that is a gift.... and one my prayers now include... giving thanks for my gift.... the opportunity to research and learn about information, products and services that are available to us all in our daily life as we work towards prevention of serious illness... as we work towards optimal health...

March is an awesome month... we get teased with warmer weather and we get lambasted with winter weather... just a tickle now and then to let us know winter isn't over but yet.. spring is just around the corner... it's a great month to clean your closets, crack open a window a bit, dust those blinds, air out comforters in the sun and look for new information to serve you on your journey in health....

I will use March to share some of mine.... places, events, people and new information that I am finding to help me and if it works for you then please use it...

First up:
Renewed Strength/ Renew Studio
60 Randall Drive, Unit #4
Ajax, ON (905) 427.3200
http://www.renewstudio.ca/

Renew Studio is a neat little place where you feel right at home as soon as you enter... because of the fact that Dee Miller gives personal attention to each and every person that walks through the door..... the smell of fresh made soup lingers in the air and tickles your senses to fill your tummy..... the brightly decorated and welcoming atmosphere invites you to leave troubles behind and enjoy the moment.... the lower level opens onto a lovely yoga studio where you ca enjoy a multitude of classes ranging from yoga, Pilates, meditation and more.....

Renew Studio offers a place where friends can gather, eat organic freshly made soups in the Nourishing Nook, purchase from a menu and take them home (for the same price you would pay for a can of soup full of preservatives in your local grocery shop), preorder and have them frozen and ready for you to pick up for the week (this is what I do) and it's a place where you can go to get good information of healing after surgery, as you are fighting cancer and having treatments, after treatments when you need to regain your strength and a place where support is readily available every single day.

Dee worked tirelessly to put together a cookbook called Healthy Bites, which has tried and tested recipes that she cooks in the nook for sale for $20... Purchase one and the money goes back into the programs.

If you have cancer, had cancer or are fighting your way back to health during treatments... you can attend workshops, classes and be a part of the studio for free... through the charity Renewed Strength...

You do not have to have had or presently have cancer to enjoy everything the Studio has to offer..... feel free to take classes, purchase soup, go for workshops for one or on a long term basis... You may purchase a membership to the Studio with all class proceeds going to the charity...

How great is it knowing that you, being healthy can maintain optimal health while you assist others to regain strength and health by attending classes yourself....

Dee and her mother Bev May, work very hard to make this amazing little gem a place to be.... give them a call, check out the website above and see how the studio can help you either maintain health or regain strength....

(Yoga for me Thursday morning.... ) see you there!!!

Where has the time gone? Every mother asks at one time or another?

2011-03-01T09:20:00.000-05:00

23 years ago today I was in labour for 11:45 hours having my baby boy... my bouncing 8lb 8.8 oz boy... born with his hair sticking straight up with a good set of lungs..... Justin who is almost 6 years older... (who didn't really like this screaming bundle we were bringing home) asked me in the hospital "Mommy do we really need to bring that home?"

Naming him Zachary Evan Johnathon James but Justin called him Spike - and it stuck for a few years... and so did his hair... he was a cute little baby and never slept... until he was 10 months old, it was hell.... and we knew at that point that this boy was going to have a mind of his own.... More then that, he proved us right and went beyond...

My boy has a personality, he has confidence and loves to have fun.... he wants to experience everything and live his life the way he wants... I am glad... however being a mother.... sometimes this trait drives me nuts....

What took me 22 years to figure out.... I can't control these boys not anymore.. where does the years go... I was thinking of memories last night that seem like yesterday when they were young and I was yelling at them to go to sleep.... of them in our pool..... of Zak riding his bike up and down the driveway..... of Justin playing hockey... and I yearned for a simpler time when my boys were my babies.... and I got sad....

With Justin getting married this year... maybe in a few years I will have new babies to spoil... looking forward to it... but for now... time marches on and so do my babies...

It made me realize that we have to enjoy the moments in our lives, when the kids are driving us nuts, the puppy is peeing in the house, your hubby sings at the top of his lungs - badly... and at night when they are in bed, and the house is quiet..... remember the day.... don't wish it away... don't wish for a time when they are 28 and 23.... it will come... way too soon... and you will look back and forget some of those amazing moments....

Another reason why we should be fully in every single moment of our lives.... yes plan for tomorrow - but only for a minute, because today is only here for a minute and tomorrow will be here before you know it....

Enjoy...............

On the Road again, With my Lippy!

2011-02-28T10:48:00.000-05:00

Happy Monday morning! Today is the first day I feel normal... I have some energy... whooo hooooo....
I got up and went straight into the shower, that has been weeks since I have done that... for the first time in a long time I am writing this with make-up on, hair done (ok ok not dressed but this is a good start... its a big day!!!!

The simple things we take for granted..... I am savouring this.... I am grateful for this..... it's a good start to my week...

As I was pulling my make-up out of it's drawer I spied a pile of lippy... (Brit for lipstick..lol) and immediately thought this is a perfect day to get back on track with my Clearing the Clutter Challenge... I am so behind but I do believe this little bowl will make up for it.... I have 2 full drawers of make-up and only one face!!! How did that happen... because yet again, a girl can never have too much and she has to try all the new magical potions and lotions... it's time... I need eyeshadow that doesn't crease, don't sit on there like I pasted it on, sit in the lines and the biggest oxy moron of all... look natural..... too funny...... we load it on to look natural....

Lets just say this is for February!!!

So in my treasure hunt through one of the drawers I spy about 40 tubes of lippy and look in the mirror at myself just to make sure I do only have one pair of lips.... so why on earth... my logic was always to go with the mood.. and to match my clothing.. no not blue.... I have every colour under the rainbow but they all seem to be around the same shade... I get sucked into buying it cause it is one of those that matches every woman's colouring... uh huh.....

I have lip pencils that I will never use... have never used and won't use... don't like the ring around the lips look as your lippy wears off.... but... some women use it and like it... I have peach, pink, pinker, red, orange, brown, dark brown, in between brown, golden brown, bronze, silvery bronze, bronzy peach, bronzy red, honey, pizzazzy pink.... and the list goes on... hmmmm I should get a job naming lippy.... I have glosses in every shade but what is the most interesting is the clear ones.... they have a colour in the tube but go on clear... what is that all about....

I stand in my washroom looking at all these colours wondering which I should keep... then I wonder... are there other women that have a make-up drawer like me? God, I hope so...

Ok enough of this... I am just proud of myself today that I did something productive... now get dressed and get your butt into that office.... and don't forget your lippy!!!!!

Checking off what I have Accomplished.....

2011-02-27T11:12:00.000-05:00

Sunday morning.... coffee always tastes better, the sun shines brighter and it just seems like a great day first thing in the morning..... gotta love it....because all you have to do is be....

Spring will soon be here... even though I look out my window and see all the freshly fallen snow, I know it won't last.. it's the end of February and that means the weather (even if it is 1-2 degrees only) will soon be getting warmer....

Yeh!!! I can't wait... Everything feels better with sunshine and warm weather... Well, I am doing it... getting out of the jammies and moving my butt - going to yoga at Renewed Studio in Ajax on Tuesday morning...
I am excited to meditate and stretch (gently) and kick into Prevention mode high gear...

First things first.... I have cut out my caffeine completely... check.... increased my water.... check..... counted my points.... check.... got back to decluttering.... going to show you tomorrow.... back on track..... and add yoga and meditation a few times a week... check.... and belly dancercise in a few weeks.....check... going to tour the termography clinic and set up appointment...... check.... going today to get all my minerals and herbs for prevention.... check.....

Wow, I am accomplishing alot.... how cool is that???? I do need to get moving in order to get my energy level back up... my second mom Bev May send me an email yesterday to tell me that... I love her for it... she is just concerned and knows that maybe I need that push and she was right......

Ok so today, I am going to clear some more clutter, go to the health food store and pick up a few other things and just enjoy Sunday!!!

Stretch and breath.... it's all I have to really do today......what a lovely thought!

The Inner Battle Between Who is The Smartest.

2011-02-25T09:58:00.001-05:00

How does a person who has been living on the edge her entire life determine when too much is too much..... when its time to give in and do less... when its time to rest.....listen to the body and just get out of her head...

Yesterday started with a morning conference call that was awesome, then I was rushing around (ok as rushing as I can be right now on the lowest energy ever) to get myself showered and decent for Mary to come over for a visit (which was lovely... we chatted and chatted and loved it...) then I would have been ok but we then went out for Julia's bday party and there for a couple of hours I could push it.... and I did... had a blast with everyone but then, it happened.... the familiar feeling.... the one that is stopping me from doing alot of things these past few weeks... complete and utter exhaustion.... so tired you can't sleep, my head actually hurts when I hit the pillow and pounds.. my body feels like I am carrying 10 bowling balls and I feel as if I am in slow motion... and most of the night and today I feel queasy, emotional and soooo tired.....

So how does one determine when too much is too much....... it would be amazing if there was a clock that rang when it was time or someone hit you over the head (gently mind you). I think that we need to stop and listen to our intuition.... it's always right and is just trying to warn us about impending things to come...

So why don't we listen to it.... why do we believe we are above it..... can create some diversion or maneuvers to out mastermind it... or maybe if we just ignore it... it wont happen... truth is.... our intuition is the smartest part of us and the other part.. our brain thinks it is.... so they are in constant battle to see who will win......

Yesterday, my intuition told me it was going to be too much for me and I pushed through it thinking, yes thinking I would outsmart it.... because sooner or later I have to get my energy back..... then it hit me... what if I don't ever get the same energy level back, what if I just can't go at the same pace I did before, what if this is how I have to function for the rest of my life.... that scares me big!!!

Ok, hang on... how about this.... I think it's much easier to take things one day at a time, one intuitive moment at a time and just chill, do what I have to do (like brush my teeth and shower) and rest.... (hmmm that concept is pretty new... but one I think I can handle....) today, I think that is all I can muster up.... and my intuition agrees......

Girlfriends... today is dedicated to Princess Bitchy... Happy bday Julia!

2011-02-24T11:51:00.001-05:00

Princess Bitchy & Princess Pissy

What would life be like without girlfriends... someone to confide in, someone to tell you your butt looks fat in those jeans, someone to lie to you that your butt looks great, someone to say it like it is, cry on their shoulder, shop, travel and laugh your butt off together.

I am blessed to have girlfriends who have been there through my changes, my ups and downs, the good and the bad and the tears and laughs.....

Princesses Bitchy & Pissy

I dedicate this blog it to the girls... to amazing girlfriends... to those that care for their girlfriends and yell at them when they need it too.... especially my friend Julia Caron who is celebrating her 48th birthday today..

Princess Bitchy & Princess Bling

You have to understand Julia.... first we were friends in high school, but she wasn't cool... she tried to be but... sorry no cigar... Julia won the title of Miss Malta during Fiesta Week here in our hometown... (thank God she didn't win Fiesta Queen) now those were glory days... Julia thought she was really cool because of that... how cool... she still has her sash and I bet the dress.... thank goodness she changed her hair... her and that big hair with the huge sausage rolls....

all the Princesses holding court

We went our separate ways to be reunited through business 8 years later... over these 8 years we have grown very close..... I consider myself very blessed to have her as my friend....... and today we celebrate her 48 years being on this planet...

Princesses Last Call & Bitchy

We have a new club.... who says all that pink princess stuff has to be just for little girls... We are just bigger princesses.... so in honour of Julia's birthday, Princess Bitchy from now on......we are going to Shrimp Cocktail for dinner with the other princesses and have a blast...

It's an all star gathering:

The rings to kiss....

Melanie Warren-Smith - Princess Last Call (because she says she's always the last to know - and she likes martini's)
Ann-Marie Gaudet - Princess Bling (because that girl loves her "baubles" she is on a mission to collect the most emerald one woman can wear)

Princess Bitchy & her handsome prince

Yvette Maxwell - Princess What the Hell (because she is in the fight of her life with breast cancer and is on top, living with the attitude What the Hell.... I will beat this thing!)
Anna Barbara Goddard - Princess Powder Puff (Princess Bitchy's sister.. because this girl powders everything... )
and me
Princess Pissy Pinkalicious.... and you all know why!!!!

Princess being cute.....

Now the Princess club was something that just came about because I am a princess, yes I admit it.... you know one who hates to do housework, takes much of her clothes to the dry cleaner, hates the snow, dirt and all things yucky..... I don't shovel, dig or take the garbage out... I don't mow the lawn or vacuum.... I don't clean the litter... you get the picture now..... of course I get this handle of "princess", When Ossie and I were first together I let him know this up front... I am the Princess and at my age... well you know I am not going to change now... just wanted to be honest here..... sometimes he forgets.... and I get indignant and remind him....

Princesses on the water

During this time of having to rest after surgery, I have been Pissy and that's how I got Princess Pissy.. Pinkalicious was add after, when Julia brought me the children's book Pinkalicious about a little girl who turns pink from eating too many pink cupcakes... hmmmm trying to tell me something I think!!!

Julia, Princess Bitchy because she has been lately and she was borrowing the Princess Pissy crown but we decided she needed one of her own.... the other princesses were carefully thought out as well...

Anyone can be a self-proclaimed princess, in fact it's a woman's right. I suggest that every woman should be claim her right, put her name to it and wear a sash proudly....

Today in honour of my fabulous, wonderful, gorgeous, lovely friend Julia Caron, Princess Bitchy..... claim your Princess crown and wear it proudly.... make today Honour the Princess day... do something wonderful for yourself today... you are a princess..... you are fabulous and deserve to be honoured!

Julia, have the very best day ever.... can't wait to see you later... fun surprises waiting for you later.. Happy birthday Princess Bitchy...... xoxoxo

No Time Like the Present for ACTION!

2011-02-23T10:15:00.000-05:00

I changed the look of the blog, I added some fun pages.... About me.... I am bored of reading traditional bio's that have a laundry list of academic achievements and ummm you are 48?? Who cares... people hide behind that... identifying themselves with those titles... not me... I want you to know more about me... the person I am now.. the crazy zany things I have done and will do... the fact that I am living on the edge of insanity... and not ashamed of it....

I had professional shots done of my jewelry by Denise Wilkins.. creative genius with a camera.... and shared them with you.... I want to share little nuggets of advice and recommended sites, places, people and info so I created a page for that... Right now Nancy Dranitsaris has a great little article up there.. check it out if you haven't... lastly, our Stilettos event.. of course it needs a page.... If I figure out how I might be able to put a buy button there somehow.. don't hold me to that ok......

I went to see the doc yesterday and man am I glad I did... you know your body, you know when you are not feeling great... first I asked him about this exhaustion and of course it's normal just 3 weeks after surgery... give it another 3 weeks.. ok... I can do that.. then I showed him the pathology report and what I had learned in dissecting it and he told me I was absolutely right... hmmmm ok so... if this hadn't been caught now it would have most definitely been worse yes?? yes!!!

He explained the little details and what I now need to do.... hmmmm sugar gone, caffeine gone, red meat gone, fat (including my ass) gone, sleep more, meditate, NO STRESS (ya remember me the one living on the edge), exercise, lose weight, drink water, eat fruits and veg, take 50 billion different minerals and vitamins.... balance those hormones.... ok I get it....

Due to the fact that my risk factors are so high.... I need to do all of this and more... no more mammograms for sure... no more exposure to radiation... especially now... thermography... ok... buckle up gotta pay for this... with all of this in mind, I need to do my research and make sure that I am doing the very best I can for my body, lower the risk factors that I can and increase my odds... I am in charge....

The month of March, I will dedicate to breast cancer awareness, prevention, info I find and share pieces from people going through it, people on hold, those that have been there years ago and recently, caregivers of these people and how they dealt with it... what it was like to be there with someone while they fought for their lives... I will share info I find to help... places to go... info about our new Healthy Caregiver program and how it will include a program for those in waiting, the caregivers and the ones fighting....

March is a whole new beginning for me... clearing clutter and seeing for the first time that I can no longer just float through life eating cupcakes when I want and how many I want, drinking and eating whatever else I desire, no exercising and running on a few hours a night, nor can I work 7 days a week x 12 or more hours a day... there are things that I must pay attention to now... I have been given the wake up call...

So my question to you is... will it take a wake up call for you to realize how close you take yourself every day... what do you do that puts you in danger.... why do you ignore your signs and live on the edge of insanity??????

Educated Guess...Intuition or Russian Roulette??

2011-02-22T10:24:00.000-05:00

Life is sweet... absolutely full of lessons every single moment of every single day.... as I struggle to get to know this new Tina, bits and pieces of the old one fight for attention...

I read that cells in our body change every single day which must be the reason why we wake up in the morning feeling this new day is a chance for a new start right?

I feel better every day and today I will be tested on many levels.... first I have been so out of it that I didn't even order my bp meds so I ran out yesterday and with Family day... everything was closed... second, I am making my appointment for the breast clinic in Hamilton for second opinion..... third I need to make a decision, should I go see Dr. Gibb today...

I was on bio-identical hormones for 2 years and after my research and dissection of my pathology report I don't know... so I am being tested here.... I have heard that there are reports that bio-identicals along with regular HRT increase the risk of breast cancer, and when you are in the risk category already hmmmm......... should you listen to the alternative reports that say it can actually help...... I don't know what to believe... do I go completely traditional medicine or alternative or do I combine... how do I know.... If I don't go with bio-identicals then I will take none.

I have heard that there are natural products and substances you can use but I read conflicting studies on them too that applies to when you are in the risk category.... hmmmmmm..

These big decision's can alter a path... do we really think about way off into our future when we make decisions or are are we looking at short term only? Do we really think what the outcomes will be of our choices today in 10, 15, 25 years? Does the alternative practitioner know.... as with many new treatments they don't have history on their side to determine affects later on...

Are we playing Russian roulette with our futures.... are we guinea pigs.... are we really sure about traditional medications and practices...... how do they know for sure..... there are no guarantees either way..... our intuition and educated guesses are our only true resource that guides our compass....

Ok, what to do today... quandary... the first big decision to make.... but I need all the facts.... so relax... today all I have to do is be the gatherer... of facts... I don't have to make the decision today..... I need to pull the info together to create the report... ok good... I will see Dr Gibb to discuss bio-identical treatments and research.... will call the Hamilton clinic and make an appt for second opinion..... and I will carry on living today... today only with intensity.... just being who I am today, what I can accomplish today and only today and give thanks for that gift....

What are you grateful for and how will you focus your energy today?????

Who do you trust????

2011-02-21T09:42:00.003-05:00

Family day..... please..... how many people actually spend today with their family?? This is the most ridiculous holiday ever... an excuse for a day off.... votes, political games... that is all this day is... and we.. well not me..... fell into it... putty in their hands.... laughing at the stupid Canadians who think this is a great thing.... we got them!

Now that I have ranted... whew... glad that's off my chest.....

Ossie says the funniest things sometimes..... really they are just goofy...last night I mentioned how cold I felt and he agreed and said he was cold all night but couldn't put socks on... I fell right into it... He can't do that he says to me indignantly.... because..... (it's too funny to even write) if he wears his socks to bed he has nightmares.... lol!!!

People are hilarious with all their little habits and idiosyncrasies. I have to fold my towels a certain way so each one lays in the closet the same, so you pull them out by the folded end and leave the rest neat and tidy.. Ossie would just throw them all in there or leave them in the laundry basket...or why wash them... it's just water right???? That's it for me - other then that I am pretty perfect.... oh did I mention my perfectionist disorder... oh ya forgot about that one.....

So, one might think I am crazy but since Wednesday I have this pathology report in my hot little hands but something just kept pulling me to it.. thinking something is weird... hmmm ok I have to dissect this from top to bottom so I spent 4 hours yesterday doing this... you know these reports are spoken in tongues......what I learned was interesting and scary all at the same time... I had a gut feeling I was not finished with all this stuff and after discovering for myself what the path report all means... I am convinced I need to follow up with a second opinion...

Our own intuition has to come into it somewhere right?????? Add to that 3 months of this..... add to that the information I am now armed with.... and I am at an extreme risk for breast cancer anyway... and it's time to take my health seriously..... education and prevention are my best friends right now.... what to do next.... second opinion.... Hamilton breast clinic... here I come.... Mississauga thermography clinic... here I come...

The breakdown of the report took some time as I pieced together the $10 words they used to describe the results... In a nutshell I have Proliferative Fibrocystic changes with ductal hyperplasia which translated means rapid growing & increasing overgrowth of cells..

Now fibrocystic breast disease is now being noted as changes... which translated means lumpy boobs... ok but when hyperplasia is added to that... this is an increased risk.... it is an overgrowth of cells... can have some genetic errors as the cells have began to accumulate and no longer respond normally to the signals that control cell growth and division.... exposure to estrogen & progesterone add to this..

Oh yes, I did HRT in 99 after they took my final ovary that had shrivelled up to nothing, removed the massive amounts of endometriosis for just short of 5 years and again these past 2 years with a combo bio-identicals.... (you know the hormones Suzanne Sommers toots) ya I was on them too..... all of this plus stress (ummm can you say stress bunny Tina - who's receptors, internal mechanisms that relate to stress are so tired and worn out that she doesn't even know when she is stressed out), not so great diet..(that is changing), wine... ya ya...(but not every day come on!) lack of exercise.. hmmm did I mention how much I had doing that, boring too boring....... who would rather work then do almost anything else.... and has spent the last 8 years working alot... did I mention that it really was my life... work first then more work and if there is any time left over lets push and push and stress right out to get to play for a minute.... sleep.. oh lack of sleep you mean... ya... and taking melatonin every single night just to catch a couple of hours... uninterrupted you have to be kidding... that does not happen for me ever......among some other lifestyle stuff that needs to be changed......

All of this plus other things I can't change such as genes... being from Eastern European decent... uh huh.. true... all means that I am at a high risk of these fast changing cells mutating and I need to pay attention now.... no more sailing through on a lick and a promise (my mom's phrase)...

I found some great sites that might be of interest to you as you too take care of yourself... I believe that we have to take our health seriously.. if nothing else this entire last 3 months has taught me that our health is nothing to be taken for granted and indeed is our responsibility... we are in charge not the doctors... trusting them for certain things is ok.. but they are human too and what is the biggest human factor... mistakes... we make mistakes... yes it's true...

I am going for a second opinion... as it is my right and I believe that I have been given this opportunity to do some very important work here on earth...

first and foremost... take very good care of myself, make my health and wellness my life's main priority... to not take it for granted and to give thanks every day for it...
to lead by example... to be the change I need to see in our world for other women... to share, inspire and educate women by how I live my life, by writing, by speaking and sharing ideas to help them live a better life
to bring awareness to the prevention of breast cancer, to stop the immunity.... stop the complacency.. to be a big, noisy voice that people stand up and pay attention to... to make sure that money is raised for prevention, for comfort and for care not just research... for smaller charities making a difference.... like Renewed Strength and Heather Griffith Breast Assessment Centre that all women and some men can use....
to create the Full Life Care & Wellness Centre where caregivers, patients and seniors can go for info, for support, for health and wellness advice and activities.... for education and inspiration.... to continue our work with T&E for our clients.....
to simplify my life, clear the clutter and challenge myself and others keep it simple, uncluttered and uncomplicated.....
to be the best possible Tina, me, princess pissy, that I can be...

Tall order for today.... big, maybe... however this is doable.. much more so then the last 8 years... my list is shorter today... much shorter... and one I believe I can manage to achieve....

The site I wanted to share with you......

http://www.healthcorner.org/category.php?cid=14

Getting started right away.. going to Julia's for tea so we can get our butts back on the Weight Watchers program... doing it with a buddy is always better...

The Day After the Night Before......

2011-02-20T11:32:00.003-05:00

Woke up with my stomach feeling queasy, my head hurts alittle and I would rather go back to bed.... I don't think I drank that much last night to be honest... I drank water in between glasses of wine and we ate... we laughed alot and chatted til late but man..... it was great to hang out with friends...

Last night was special... celebrating..... and now I am pooped... Julia and I went out shopping all day yesterday and we were both pooped by 4pm... it's hard work this shopping therapy.... for my first big day out I think I overdid it... shopping all day and partying til late....

We bought amazing boots... high heeled platforms.. that's not the best part... they are glittery...... sooooooooooo hot..... and of course I had to buy another pair - black and white sling backs for the spring... oh hurry up please!!! Today makes me feel like it's not that far away with the sunshine beaming through my windows... oh wait look at all the dust... hmmmmm it's only been a week since the girls were here to clean... it's the cats, the pup and the worst of all is Ossie... he is messy to say the least.....

Now these new shoes are open toes... I know I said I wasn't going to buy them ever again, and Julia reminded of this.. so I put the shoes on and walked around for abit.. they didn't feel too bad.. hmmm ok so you might see them here in a few months...

I have a secret addiction.... (aside from my very public shoe & jewelry addiction) possibly needing intervention... I am addicted to cards... what's very odd about this is that when I was younger... OMG can't really believe I can look back into my 20's and 30's and think of them as being younger days... come on I am not that old... anyway, I had a thing about not buying cards and my family knew this... I didn't want to waste the money on the card.. less money for the gift I thought.. now, the tides have changed and I love writing cards to people who mean something to me, to thank people for something they have done for me or to just simply say I am thinking about you... and a pretty card means alot to me.... getting sentimental in my old age maybe... who knows...

Yesterday I bought 4 more packages but this time, oh wait last time too... I seem to be gravitating to butterflies.... I need to look that up today along with a deeper search into the words on that pathology report.... I need to know for sure for sure....

Today, it's all about resting, napping and resting some more... how much rest can a person handle???

A big Normal Day...........

2011-02-19T10:29:00.004-05:00

I could not sleep... laying there til about 2am watching TV, listening to Ossie snore and throwing the covers off, pulling them on, moving around trying to get comfy... shut the TV off and at 3am put it back on... took a melatonin, caused a bunch of noise to wake Ossie up and finally around 4am... sleep.... I just couldn't shut my mind off....

It's happy.... it's wandering all over the map..... it even did some what ifs..... Ok ok I admit it... I had decided in Dr A's office to not worry about all the big words on the report.. he read benign and I should be grateful and just get on with it..... yesterday I started having niggling little feelings that I should take this into my own hands and decipher that report.... I do need to know what all those big words mean..

I have been very careful not to do the Google thing and look up too much... but.... now I think it is warranted... I do need to know all those big words and what they mean.. cause in 3 months I have to do follow up right......

But..... not today...........today Julia and I are going shopping... retail therapy... we need it.... her birthday is this Thursday so we need to mark that with a new charm on our bracelets too.... every little day should be marked.... and who knows... shoes.... maybe....

Tonight we all get together at Julia's for steaks, wine and celebrations.... Ossie put the steaks on to marinate this morning and ummm he used an entire bottle of wine.. we are going to be drunk eating our steak.... yes indeed.....

I love Saturday's except when I am being rushed... that's not so good for me... especially when I don't have full energy back yet... holy cow.... but Julia who I said can wear the Princess Pissy crown right now forces me into rushing to get ready.... more like Princess Bitchy......

Oh the joys of just being normal.... hmmmmmmmm check that out... what did I just say... normal... normal.. normal.... such sweet words.........

I Think Today is Normal... Don't say it too loud.......

2011-02-18T10:15:00.003-05:00

I went to the office for 2 hours yesterday... I even got a few things done... about 2 minutes after we got home, knock at the door.... it was Mandy.. cupcake Mandy... and her husband... bringing me lovely cupcakes in celebration of my results... how lovely is that... 2 bouquets of flowers on my desk - 1 from mom and dad and one from Deb... and cupcakes...

What a girl she is, here she is with brain cancer, taking chemo and she thinks to bring me cupcakes.... absolutely blows me away the generosity of some people... how lovely... order cupcakes from her.... $10 for 6 and real fresh ingredients, butter cream icing... yummmm. this is how she is supporting herself through this.... her email is o_connormandy@hotmail.com

I have ordered some for Saturday night... our party at Julia's to celebrate and I am treating my friends to cupcakes for desert.... pink ones of course......

This morning I was reading the pathology report and those things make no sense to me... in one spot it says lumpectomy and in another it says partial mastectomy....

Let me tell you, I have my boob.. as the swelling is done down it's just a 2.5 inch battle wound with about 1/2 inch down from it... not so bad.... reading these things is like trying to decipher spy code or something...

This clock is being paid forward - to my son Justin and future wife Bonnie Boop... not for their house, they would turn their nose up at it... although Justin might not.. he is such a family oriented guy, that he would remember this always being in our homes.. everywhere we moved.. it was there...

This clock was a gift from my ex-husbands nephew and we loved it... so it has to be about 25 years old... well look at that - it's an antique.... Oh my... I am old enough to have an antique in my lifetime????????????? wow.... that's a wake up call isn't it.

My kids are getting married in September and they don't want to have a Jack & Jill shower because friends and family are so spread out... so they want to have a yard sale... you guessed it... at my house.... with donations from friends and families and anyone else that wishes to....

These kids are paying cash for this big wedding because it's really important to the family guy Justin to have his families and friends... all together... Bonnie she could have gone south.... so just like any other young couple the money from showers goes to the wedding... well the kids are no different... do you know how much weddings cost today???? scary I will tell you that!!!

This is so cool... they are having a yard sale and everyone is welcome of course and a 50/50..... so if anyone has anything they want to get rid of... please donate it to the yard sale... I am collecting in my garage... oh yes I am.......

It's so nice to just focus on normal life things again.... my kids wedding, the Stilettos event, work abit... for the next 2 weeks I am still going to take things slow... and I still need to get my head around all of this stuff but I feel lighter somehow.. not in weight let me tell ya... but that's ok Weight Watcher next Wed... right Julia..... and get our butts over to Renewed Studio for some yoga classes.. I can start with gentle yoga there for sure... oh and soup...... yummmmmmmmm......

Today, I am going to make my bed, do the dishes, straighten up abit and take my puppy for a little walk up the street.. enjoy the sunshine.... the birds chirping.... Lia's company later and possibly Yvette... talk about some business stuff and damn it... BE NORMAL... for the first time in months... not just floating above.. be normal....

I have 3 months til the first follow up.... so tomorrow shopping with Julia, dinner and drinks with friends.... normal weekend stuff.... I will have laundry to do.... normal stuff..... how freakin fantastic is that............

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Amazing.... breathe in and out, be in this moment and do normal things.... thank you God!!!!

BENIGN..... All Systems Go.. Cleared for Take Off!

2011-02-17T09:23:00.002-05:00

WHOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today is a new day, a new dawn, a new start with a brand new gift...... the gift of BENIGN... the sweetest words a girl could hear.... Oh ya baby!!!

All day yesterday, my stomach was in knots, my chest was tight, I was nervous, anxious, scared to death to be perfectly honest even though I knew in my heart what the results were going to be... I have too much good stuff to do in this world to help others...... this was not going to happen to me... pray... pray harder.... close my eyes and draw on all the prayers and good thoughts from so many caring people..... I did!!! I did!!!

I took my time getting ready, put a new bed spread set on my bed so I would come home to a nice fluffy new bed..... I pulled out my high black boots, new purple and black skirt never worn, my jewelry.... mostly pink..... and dressed right up... felt good..... I always feel better when I am dressed up.... and off we went... waited and waited as he is a popular doc and his waiting room was full..... that's ok...

Dr A walked in smiling.. one word..... BENIGN..... the sweetest words a girl can hear... say it again....... Ossie cried and I danced!!!

It's the day after... here I am in the same pink robe, same jammies, new pink coffee cup Wanda bought me, with my puppy laying on my lap..... same glasses..... but............ something has changed... something not very noticeable.... but significant none the less....

I no longer have this impending doom hanging over my head... that black cloud has lifted..... this is weird.... I called my mom & dad, my daughter-in-law to be, Julia, Val.... and screamed into the phone...... Yvette called me and screamed into the phone.... Ann-Marie yelled over BBM.... we got home to my son standing here... went to Julia's and celebrated over Indian food and wine... loads of wine.... we cried alittle and laughed alot....

Ok, now what.... today I will continue to celebrate............ I will walk with my head up, back straight.... for 3.5 months I have unraveled slowly... ok not so slowly... now I need to tie it all back up again somehow... pick up those pieces and write my heart out so that I can help others who have gone through what I have..... and come out on this side ok..... alittle worse for wear maybe..... but BENIGN..........

So, at this point I will enjoy today, battle wounds and all.... just enjoy today..... bask in the BENIGN................. savour the moments..... be ordinary and extraordinary all at the same time.... float.............. with happiness..... with lightness....... I won't say a new sense of anything because I don't have a clue how I am gonna feel about anything beyond to today...

What I know today...... the anesthetic is still working it's way out.... it's gonna take a few more weeks of that.. and that is perfectly ok!!!! the wound is healing and I am all good..... all good...

So girls whose in for a tattoo....... tiny pink ribbon with stiletto on top.... signifying stomping this thing out.... on the boob... on the right boob... ya that's it!!!

Awaiting Clearance.. Today is the day... holding my breath!

2011-02-15T18:03:00.004-05:00

Have you ever seen this pic??? I just found it while cleaning my laptop.... it was a full page article on us all.... how fab do we look???

It was a lovely day, down at the Whitby shores... as I was clearing out my lap top I found this amongst other oldies and goodies... this was from 2008 I believe... we had fun that day.

This is my friend Julia.... she has never seen this pic... there she is listening to me speak on stage at an event... hmmmmmm she actually does listen to me..... isn't that interesting.....

Funny story... who knew really... we went to high school together and hung out in the smoking area, in the park and under the bridge during gym class.... and then after high school we went our separate ways..... 8 years ago at a networking event there we were across the room... only this time... it's friendship... and man, am I blessed to have her as my friend.... During this last 3.5 months she has been there through it all.... the late night BBM's, the texts, listening, listening, listening..... hanging out at hospital for 4 hours as I am delayed, the distractions of shopping, cruise, oh and we do love our shopping, the laughter, dressing me after surgery, buying matching pink jewelry, loving pink now..... buying me the Pinkalicious book.... so much more then this..... the most important part is knowing that no matter what she is there with me til the end....

Girlfriends...... so very important in a woman's life.... there is your mate, your kids, your family.... and then there are girlfriends... sister by another mister..... and being blessed to have a mom who is a girlfriend... takes it up another notch....

Julia...... I love you and thank you....

Mom..... not sure where I would be and who I would be without you... I can't wait to see our chapter for my book, I have a chapter called Me on My Mom and you will turn the page upside down and the other half of the chapter will be My Mom on Me... neither of us will see this til they are done.... how cool is that??? I can't wait to share that.....

Ok the time is near where I can find out if today is "clear for take off day" I am nervous.... today I am bloody nervous.... In my heart I know what the answer is.... but I am still nervous.... there is always a what if hanging over your head.... always a chance right........... right????? NOPE!!!!!!!

I have but one option..... I have spend over 3 months in limbo, 3 months living with a little black cloud over my head, with a dark invader inside me... it is gone now..... gone for good...... I went to battle, am a little worse for wear right now, gone through mental anguish, looked at myself in the mirror and faced some pretty ugly things..... I have but one option...... I have been a bitch to the man who loves me....... I have retreated from life, from work, from friends....... I have ate loads of icecream, drank loads of wine and martinis because what the hell....... I have smiled and pretended, put up with the tilt of the head...... I have but one option...... I have gone to places in my mind that scared the hell out of me.... I sat in my sister in laws funeral and thought of my own mortality deeper then I ever did before.......... I have but one option........ I have shared my fears, my inner insecurities, my strength and my hope with the world..... I have found out who supports me, who retreats and doesn't even email to ask how I am, who I feel closer to and is just too busy to care.....

I have but one option...... to go to the doctor and face the results.. no music... just words... like a play, the play of my life thus far..... I can't hover over it, look down from a floating place, I must be there, fully there..... my body, mind and soul must be in tune today to face the results... they are fine... they will be clear...... no further treatments needed... right???????

I am positive, strong and let me tell you this.... I have much trouble to cause in this world... God would not slow me down anymore.... ok ok I listened already..... the last 3 months have not been in vain..... I have big things to accomplish, 2 kids to marry off - one in September this year... I must be well, I have a centre to open, programs for caregivers, seniors and cancer support to create, I have a puppy to raise, a wedding of my own to plan, a floor to get done, trips to take, a book to publish, speaking to do to inspire others to get off their butts and get going...... a man to train.... oh yes he needs more training at 52....... but most of all I have to take care of myself, my health and my great big juicy succulent life awaits........

I have but one option today...... to be cleared for take off..... wish me luck....

Avoidance works for awhile!

2011-02-15T11:18:00.004-05:00

I have to share this pic with you today.... The Durham East POWE meeting the day of my surgery.... they wore pink for me.... took this shot and sent it to me on my cell phone.... How amazing is that.....

Avoiding works.... it does for awhile... avoiding the phone..... avoiding people...... avoiding your emotions..... ya it works for a little while then bam it always comes back to haunt you....

This morning I did everything else but open my blog to write.... I love this blog, love writing, love that it releases the emotions for me..... but this morning for some reason I avoided it......

This is not like me, lies!!!! Lately, the new me... yes it is..... just like me to hide out and avoid the outside world, avoid my nightly routine of cleaning off my makeup by not putting any on in the morning, avoid my phone ringing at home or my cell because I just don't want to go through the entire story again, avoid the knock that just came to my door...... easy to do it... just hide around the corner..... so much more that I have not even put my finger on it as of yet............

Is this part of the new me?? Could have been there all along.. I do hate confrontations and try to avoid them... well who likes them - put up your hand.... not asking about challenges or debates but confrontations... they suck!!!!!

Yvette and I had a good conversation yesterday about feelings..... ya yucky, sticky, messy feelings..... you know the ones I have tried to avoid...... she called me on a few of them... then told me she relates to them because they are ones that she has or is experiencing.... Ok so they are real then... shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We both agree that being afraid to really truly with the thoughts of the "c" word... dark invader... whatever you what to call it is scary.... she has it... she is about to do her 5th chemo tomorrow and still doesn't want to be fully with it for the same reason I am.... are we asking for it if we accept it, agree to it................ wow am I glad she gets it......

Staying positive is a hard job, big job and one draws on all the strength you have inside and those close to you..... it's hard on them... really hard... hence our ploughing forward on our Healthy Caregiver Program that you will learn more about...

How cool is this when something like this fertilizes something so powerful that will help so many others...... what I know for sure.... Yvette and I have determined we are not the norm, we are determined to make my journey and hers bigger and pay it forward to help others.... this will not die.... tomorrow (hopefully) as I get my clear for takeoff and she allows that needle to inject that cancer fighting juice into her veins.... it's for bigger reasons...... big indeed!!!!!!!

I admitted to Yvette, I have been a bitch.... an almighty bitch to myself and to my Ossie..... on our cruise he almost went and asked for his own cabin... ok I admit it............ I am kinder to everyone else around me then I am to the one person who has supported and shared this fully with me...... as I cry, as I worry, as I clam up, as I fight for my independence and as I fight to be taken care of...... I have never been one of those gals who felt the need to be taken care of...... and have fought it fiercely instead.... and now I just want to be taken care of.... is that such a bad thing..... hey I have had surgery you know..... but I am not sick...... don't you dare call me sick....... but I am tired.... it's only been 2 weeks and I don't do well with anesthetic..... I want to get back to work and I want to stay in bed........ damn this 3.5 months of not knowing for sure.... damn it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok enough inner struggle...... the brain... my brain on what if???? I have decided that tomorrow I am ready..... I tore off the steri-strips yesterday in the shower in one full swoop.... looks good -2.5 inches long and 1/2 inch cross... hey looks like a "T"..... but wait a minute.... the lump was only 1.3cm in size.... but it looks nice.... clean.. and I bet it wont even leave a scar in a few years...

I am ready...... in fact whatever way it goes tomorrow and you know as well as I do that it is gonna go well..... that I am ready............. ready to move on either way..... but gotta tell ya...... I know in my heart.... I really do.... that its done (this time...) second opinions... oh ya, Hamilton, oh ya..... 3 months from now as I go for follow-up, 3 months after that, and 3 months after that.... forever I will be changed..... a red spot showed up on my arm a few weeks ago..... not gone.... better check.... what if??????????? my life has changed, I have changed..... this is now part of it... forever.... wondering....

So, I better get on move on and start living intensely right????

Monday Monday... Being grateful for Monday......

2011-02-14T10:57:00.002-05:00

How do you handle Monday mornings... tell you what... they have never been one of my favorite days.... I have always thought that Monday should be part of the weekend.... well that makes Tuesday the new Monday so what would be the difference....

However, I feel different about Monday, today somehow.... first it's Valentines day... ok big deal.... we need a day to tell someone we love how much we love them????? I remember when my kids were young I made a big deal out of Valentines day..... I baked cupcakes with my boys, filled goody bags with fun little things and we made a special one for their teachers.... everyone in their classes got them.... we did this every year... then we would have a special dinner because they were my Valentines too....

I remember one year.... I woke up one Valentine's morning and my entire fridge was painted with a giant red heart that said "I love you" inside of it... my kids loved it.... how sweet was that..... My ex-husband was never one for this kind of spending... he always thought that Valentines was another retail holiday.... so a card maybe but this was special...... it was great... special alright... he thought he used washable markers.... ummmm nope..... soooo funny......

My mom still sends me a card - in the mail.... she sees me all the time because we work together but she still sends a card... I have always bought chocolates and flowers for my office staff every year... but this year.... well.....not so much... maybe when I get back I will surprise them......

I got up this morning to a puppy kissing my ears, and Ossie yelling "Happy Valentines Day Honey..." if you know Ossie you know how loud he is.... funny guy....... asked me last night if I would like to go for dinner today... umm nope... not until I have my results from the doc....

Am I punishing myself for some reason..... maybe..... maybe it's a way of focusing more like it... I feel like I just don't want to be in public that much yet... not until I am cleared for take off..... then I can face people as the ask.... or I put my very best healthy happy face forward....

Man, I have so much I want to do..... I am feeling pretty good really..... ya until I folded 2 baskets of laundry, hunted for toothpaste, made the bed, made breakfast, did our dishes and fed the dog. Ok what's this out of breath thing.... have I gained like 200lbs that I dont know about since I have been hanging out in jammies..... more to carry around???? Next week Weight Watchers for sure!!!!

So back in my fav chair in my corner I sit.... pooped again... come on it will be 2 weeks tomorrow... this was not major surgery like my hysterectomy was... now there was a surgery..... no wonder they tell you 6 weeks recovery there.... I do believe the anesthetic takes so much out of you... and truth is I am not 26 anymore..... nope not even 36..... so instead... I will spend today... reading, writing and Yvette said she is coming over.... this is good....

Hey as of today I only have 2 sleeps to go... how fab is that???
Tomorrow I have some items that I am giving my kids for their upcoming wedding yard sale... check this out... they don't want a Jack & Jill - they are having a yard sale instead and asking for everyone to donate items for it..... how cool is that....... this will help them for their wedding.... I like it... so I have good stuff for their yardsale.... like my backyard swing..... anyone interested in a big fluffy swing.. a good one from Costco.... for $150 firm.... let me know..... if not it goes in the kids yardsale.....

Happy Valentine's Day...
Enjoy the moments today... all of them...

The bare naked raw truth to this nightmare as of today......

2011-02-12T19:05:00.009-05:00

Didn't sleep last night very well.. I was laying there awake anyway so why not find a movie.... the Father of the Bride, Steve Martin.... so there I layed crying at the end picturing my son... ya mother of the groom here.. in September I am gonna need bullet proof mascara I am sure.... all I could think about was my baby.....

Then no sleep yet.. so flipped around and found marketplace... OMG!!!!!!!!!!! I will not eat chicken again unless I can find a farmer that does not ever use any antibiotics on his chicken.... holy cow people... we are in serious trouble.... guess where the worst one was from LOBLAWS!!!! Maple Leaf, Prime, Presidents Choice and the one whose label says antibiotic free... it was tested and found 5 present... and resistant to 8 super bugs.... excuse me we are eating this people.....

I suggest you watch it... not to scare you but to educate you.... you can watch the entire episode... wake up people and smell the antibiotics!!! Years ago they started to tell us about this..... Its here just like the year 2000..... http://www.cbc.ca/marketplace/

Enough of the scary stuff or is it????

3 sleeps to go til clear for take off now... and my mind is all over the map.. Sunday is a day of rest right.. will someone turn the lights down on my mind, pull the covers up, tuck me in, sing me a lullaby and rock me to sleep.... just for 3 days... no big deal in the big scheme of life is it?????

To lose 3 days?? what the hell is that... when you have lost 3.5 months already!!!!!!!!!!!! Say what?? What the hell you talk about girl... here is the bare naked truth to this whole nightmare.. ya nightmare... one day I woke up as Tina Dezsi, a 47 year old woman craving simplicity in her life for 2011 ready to make some changes in how I work, how I live, how often I vacation, what kind of fun I am gonna have, what new projects I can create, new focus on her desire to create the wellness centre..... oh so many things she was going to have accomplished by now.....

I drove to the hospital to have a mammogram.. trepidation in tact, humour in tact because I had put this off for 4 years because it was gonna hurt... oh ya.. once you have had a breast reduction gone wrong it's gonna hurt... so off I go to brave the big bad technician all because my friend has breast cancer.... just to prove a point.. clear me... ok done!!!! End of October.. moving on.. plan a party to send Yvette off to chemo with good positive vibes all wrapped up in matching tshirts.....

Phone ringing for a week from the hospital.. Tina Dezsi please call on the answering machine.... ya ya.. it's ok I will get to it.... and if you have read my blog you know the story, the ultrasound and the in-depth level 2 mamo, onto the biopsy, more ultrasound, pathologists not seeing the same thing, the doc telling me to go home and be positive... wait it out...."what do you want me to do, make something up" rings loud and clear as if I just heard it...... Christmas comes and goes... demanding a surgeon.. Thanking God for that... he agrees and we go on our cruise... home to the rip out room.. and bam here we are Feb 13th... Already had wiped February off the map, cleared the calendar, brought home what I wanted to do..... cool......

In between, trying to hold it together... trying to appear superwoman dark invader fighter..... stay busy girl... you wont think about it... who do you tell... as I walk around knowing there is something inside me... growing... I don't know... what do I know.. no x-ray goggles in my makeup bag....

Friends.... supportive friends..... the girls have been so good... Mel, Ann-Marie, Lia, Deb, Val, Nancy, Tamara, Sharmila ..... Bev & Dee and the soup.. yumm the soup.... Marlene who relates...

Lovely Julia.... she has been such a rock.... poor Julia.....I feel so guilty... she is in Calgary so she won't see this... busy with family wedding... good thing... I feel so damn guilty all the time she has spent listening to me, being at the hospital with me, and spending money on pink jewelry with me....

My mom... worry for my mom and dad.. I don't want them worrying.... my kids... Ossie.....we dare not tell my 96 year old grandmother.... nope... that's not gonna happen....

Make jokes because there is uncomfortableness with people.... a great big pink elephant in the room... well at least it's pink.... lol.....if you joke about it, maybe they won't be so uncomfortable...and you will pretend or tell yourself that it really is ok..... do you know I am walking around with something inside of me... how the hell can I laugh..... how can I joke... what the hell can be so flippin funny anyway.. stay home or behind your desk because then you wont have to face it out in the real world.. stay cocooned.. it's safer... Yvette... oh man how I cried for her....

I am pissed off today... and weepy...... no matter what the outcome... and of course I know I will be cleared for take off..... right???? I have lost 3.5 months of my life... they have been full of wondering... what's next for me... what's inside of me.... believe me this affects your entire life, who you are in the morning, who you are when you go to bed, your work, your sex life, who you speak to , who you avoid, what you tell certain people and who you are completely open and honest with.. and should you keep talking - WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!!!!! Everyone has lives of their own and you are bringing them down....

Guilt... having others worry about you when you are the caregiver... strong like bull..... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... being what appears to be the one that pulls it together... oh ya... hearing you are so together... what are you freakin nuts?????? You despise the tilt of the head.... so you should just suck it up princess... leave people alone...

You truly find out at this time..... who even cares.................. you are not that important girlfriend... just not that important in the big scheme of things... OMG my mom told me I was......

Hey wait a minute - who is out there to support those of us living on hold... living in limbo of not knowing for sure is not that easy... do you have to fight? should you stay positive? positive for what.... do I let my brain go there..... should I what if??? because if I do what if.... OMG I might bring it on... that means I want it then doesn't it..... that means I actually agree that this belongs in my life... what am I looking for..... sympathy... empathy... Don't want to be seen as sick... bad bad word... but some sympathy and someone to take care of me would be nice...... just alittle bit...... I AM HUMAN YOU KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When you are so used to la vita loca (crazy life) and your stress mechanisms are numb because stress is a normal part of your life every single day.... you don't even recognize that for 3 months you have been walking around in a complete state of being on hold... in stress.... stress of not knowing... then one day it happens... you look in the mirror and there you are..... different somehow trying so hard to be the same and normal... what the hell?????????

Imagine calling somewhere and being on hold.... hold for 3.5 months.... imagine.....having a question to ask and there is no one on the other end to answer.... no one to say oh this is normal.... and not "think positive" "go home and have Christmas" "don't make something out of nothing" Really???? Really????

I am going through this whole process of realization.. of understanding that this is my life... when I say who might I be on Thursday..... who the hell am I today.... not the same person I was Oct 20th, not even the same as the morning of Dec 7th (biopsy day) and certainly not the same as 2 weeks ago Tuesday...... not because my cells change every day, not because I have taken some magical course that made me into something new and exciting...... not because I have lost that 30lbs I wanted to by now.. nope sir.... not it... all because today... I have lost 3.5 months of my life..... being on hold...

Now 3 sleeps til the doc says "cleared for take off" which is what I want... but..... then what have the last 3 months been about, what about my supportive friends... I already feel guilty of the time they have taken to support me... now what if it was for nothing.... should I make amends... how can I face the world... what colour will my lenses be..... what if it was all a blip.... a blip in my great big life.... do we all just go back to normal... I TOLD YOU THERE IS NO MORE NORMAL FOR ME.... not ever again...

I will go for follow up and every time I have a mammogram, I will go away wondering... is this it? This time will the call from the doc be different???? I will never ever get my 3.5 months back.... never ever will this time happen again..... never will I have this Christmas with my kids again... never will I ever ever again live Nov 2010 - Feb 16, 2011.......

So today..... yes today there is nothing I can do about this... the control is out of my hands.... what I can do is have a cup of bold coffee..... do some laundry, have a bath, eat veg & fruit, read Oprah mag... kiss my puppy, write, and think and think and think....... smile... it's all good.... right??????

What I realize.... decisions don't make sense to me right now... any I have made over the past few months were made half assed... with half a brain... lol.... isn't that funny???? laugh with me please..... every day it's different... one day it is and one day it's not.... what will happen to all of us on Thursday... my Pinkalicious team....

Ahhhh maybe you shouldn't listen to me right now.... again... anyone want to tuck me in and sing me a lullaby as I put the next 3 days on hold.......

Ready for Take off????????????????????

2011-02-12T09:46:00.007-05:00

2 weeks ago this Tuesday this is me waiting impatiently to go into the OR..... delayed about 4 hours... not such a happy girl wearing these designer duds that don't match... matching hat and booties... no stilettos... with my blanket that was not warm anymore... I was freezing my butt off....

Every single day is a day closer to knowing for sure for sure if................................. you know the dark invader is indeed something I truly need to do battle with.... In the meantime.... I am polishing my sword, loading my cannons, pulling out my purple mat for much meditation, arming my body with good food, reading all the battle books I can (you know the ones that teach me personal growth through adversity) writing my heart out, clearing my clutter to make room for health, getting prepared to be still and thinking positive.......

See I am ready to do battle... but....... let it be known... today, yesterday, tomorrow and tomorrow after that I am well already....... I am prepared to go on Wed looking fine, armed with my best bag, fav jacket, pink scarf, all the pink jewelry I am into right now... makeup... hair done and looking fab and ready to take the news... ready to hear..... Tina Dezsi, it's all systems go you are ready for take off....

Yesterday my practice run went pretty well..... my Bonnie came down... and I had the shower, did the hair and actually put on makeup, got dressed and pulled out 2 pair of shoes for the Stilettos event... off to the office for the Stilettos for the Cure committee meeting we went and in the car I said to Bonnie... ok I am pooped... what is that.....

Up that long stair case I got out of breath... damn this anesthetic anyway... what's this all about, I have been hanging out doing little bits, nothing much... I should be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... ummm ya remember you are only a superhuman Pinkalicious Dark Invader fighter not Superhuman!!!!! Oh ya.... that's right......

The meeting was fun, but as suspected it was intense with all those strong personalities in that room.... this event is going to be amazing... simply amazing which is great because we are going to raise tons of money for the Heather Griffith Breast Assessment Centre.... early detection... that's the key... a new pair of shoes.... so do these really count as one of my clearing the clutter.....

Bonnie gave me these hot little numbers for Christmas last year... giraffe look... but... for some reason they hurt my feet... maybe the heel was too high (OMG did I just say that) soooooo come to the event and bid on them... they are gorgeous..... and hey they do look good on my feet too... I should have worn them at least once maybe.....

The slippers are not going... they are my new favs.... look at these heels... yummy brass stilettos.... size 7

not sure I showed these... this is the second pair I took to the office... bling bling... the straps are all rhinestones.... and the heels are embossed or carved out.... they are lovely... worn once for 2 hours in May 2010 and then again on the cruise for 3 minutes flat......

Bonnie and I did the wedding budget and carved over $4000 off.. man if they would have just gone south to get married... you know these weddings these days are $25000 ++++++!!! what is that about.. that is just nuts.. but who am I, just the grooms mom.... it will be fun.... and I didn't sleep well last night so today.... health food store here I come, out of everything.. and what's for dinner.. since Ossie watched a show on chicken last night he is determined not to eat it anymore... not doing much today let me tell ya...

Tomorrow is another day... I think I will count down my sleeps til take off Wed... 4 sleeps to go.....

The Roller coaster ride of my life....

2011-02-08T16:26:00.005-05:00

I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday, I admit..... but Lia tells me it's ok to just be with the emotions... and you know she is a councellor... so she knows these things...

In honour of my emotions going up and down, my mind all over the place, my life feeling like it is in control of somebody else and the fact that I change my mind every day I will stop and just be ok today.... be in this moment... because at the end of the day today is all we have...

I keep trying to plan what's going to happen next Thursday and who I will be, how things will be..... it's almost like I expect to look different or something... hmmm have been careful to eat properly- eating fresh, eating healthy soup from Renewed Studio, drink poop and Essiac tea, not overdo it (every day) get sleep, rest..... and what the hell else...... I have been writing which is healthy and theraputic.. this blog is so theraputic to me... clearing my clutter is healthy... what else can I do during this time.... get my butt back to work... back to normal...

Normal.... what is that... was my normal like everyone elses normal... not on your life... seriously, I believe my crazy life was not the norm.... running from here to there, always doing something, always creating something, never ever just sitting doing nothing - have to make jewelry, write in a journal, sew, read something... a movie includes folding laundry, creating jewelry or something..... anything other then just sitting doing nothing... I can't do it... just can't.... that is not my norm....

Why is that???? It's ok for some people to relax.... and now I think it will be ok for me too..... I have decided that right now I can't decide.... I am not in a place to make major decisions - not yet.... not until I am ready...... and that might not be next Thursday.... I keep thinking when the doc says all systems go on ... cleared for take off on Wednesday does that mean that things just get back to normal on Thursday... I have had 3 months of this not knowing what I am facing really...... how can I just return to normal like magic on Thursday... am I crazy? am I nuts? matter of opinion right.....

I am gonna chill, because I can..... focus a day at a time and just be with whatever.... good plan? I do believe so..... Its Friday... and my Bonnie Boop is coming (my daughter in law to be) for the weekend... how much fun is that.... I want to go to Homesence with her... and the healthfood store.. venturing out for the first time in a week and half.... The stilettos meeting is at 2pm... not sure I feel up to being around that much intensity.... but I can call... or just go for 30 minutes....

We are going to do wedding stuff.... talk wedding budget, invitations, cake, awesome stuff like that.... won't that be fun... maybe go see my 96 year old grandmother tomorrow together... just be and enjoy her.... the house is clean, I need to do nothing else... oh except shower maybe... oh makeup... hmmm liking not having to put it on and take it off... gotta admit that but.... no one and I repeat no one needs to be subjected to Tina without makeup....

Today the roller coaster will be still..... as I take the easy glider in the kiddie section of the park.....

#320 gel candle smells like apple cranberry.... and socks.. ankle socks - not my style.... brand new as you can see.....

#319 wow I am in the teens now... how cool is that... along way to go yet... Love this brown blazer... have never worn it.. bought it on sale at Cleo's and every time I went to wear it, I decided not too....

Every day things are getting better and better

2011-02-08T16:02:00.005-05:00

I am inbetween....... Yvette made me realize something yesterday.... even though she doesn know it...it's been 3 months of this from the first mamogram.... I am actually in the 4th month now.... of the up and down... and I am stuck in it's wave... even funnier that I feel its a wave... not knowing what's coming next is the biggie for me...... and because I am so used to being in a state of stress, this stress... my health stress is normal and I just go about things like it's all good.... I even talk myself into believing it is.... I dont feel the stress... how bad is that????

Ok now I am scared... today I am scared.. scared of my appt next Wednesday even though I know the doc is going to say "all done... all good (oh there it is again) you can go about your life and we will see you for a mamo in 3 months...." let's just keep an eye on it.... but you are good... you are done and you have nothing further to worry about....

Ok so what happens on Thursday.... T&E is doing fine without me, POWE has gone on without me and I feel like I have been retreating for so long that I have nothing to do.... nothing to be on Thursday and I dont even know who I will be... should I wear a skirt.. maybe turn a new leaf and wear a skirt..... boots for sure.... ya... high heels.. hello... get off my butt and get going... and do what???????????????

Not sure I have done such a great job to begin with and it appears that everything is good without me... so do I even belong doing what I was doing.... not so sure... I want to open my centre... ya that's for sure... I need a miracle... I need money to do that.... so I have to get my butt in gear....

My big question to myself is "what are you refusing to put down to go through the door...." man I do that.. I carry groceries to the door and dont put them down because I am superwoman..... remember Dark Invader fighter... I can carry them and open the door too... ya and then drop the eggs... I take that risk.... why... when I could put them down and walk through with ease....

Really its the paradymes I carry... the thought processes that my ego believes to be true.... that which I need to carry in order to be whole... in order to be who I am .... that is what it is... its the stuff that fills up my life now that really is not necessary for me to be who I am, to be whole and to go through the next open door of opportunity... it's me that stops myself always always.....

This is what is playing on my mind today.... I need some silence to write.... I have my housekeepers here chattering away around me... which of course is good cause Ossie is a terrible housekeeper.. and I need it clean around me and no clutter to feel good.... oh here is another one of those......

I have the dog groomer coming at 12:30 to take care of the scruffy muffin.. isnt it an amazing time we live in when they come to you to take care of the puppy.... gotta love it...

Today, I have loads to think about.... My Bonnie - my daughter in law to be is coming tomorrow for the weekend.. we are going to do wedding things... big wedding coming in September you know.... and maybe go to Homesense... I need to redo the guest room with more leopard.... and I might even venture to the office tomorrow for the Stiletto's committee meeting.... only for an hour....

So, I am gonna cry when I feel like it today, let the tears stain my cheeks.... and laugh like hell when it comes.... keep on walking funny cause these bloody hemmoroids are still here.. ouch like hell.... and just be what I need to be today... life is all good... Ya Julia I know you hate it when I say that right now... but what else can I say.....

#327 Pink and beige blouse... I liked it in the store.. wore it once with brown.. it was not Tina at all....

#326

Powder blue is such a nice colour... what I loved about this blouse is the sleeves.. you can roll them back and make a cuff outside your jacket.. such a clean polished look....

#325, 324, 323, 322

Skirts... love these... dark green, navy and 2 black skirts all down to the ankle.. love the style of these... with tights and boots.. sexy..... my problem with them... my butt is too big for them.....

#321 off white is a great colour for all year round.. crepe material... again sleeves you can cuff back.. clean and crisp...

Have you got any shoes to donate to the Stilettos event... we are accepting them now... bring them to the POWE office in Whitby... looking forward to it!!!

Does the doc do house calls?

2011-02-08T15:43:00.006-05:00

How good can prescription drugs be when they all have side affects? A medication can mask one issue but it causes one or more others... We have all seen those commercials that show people living the best life ever, smiling, loving their families running through a beautiful meadow, running on beach and happy happy..... well I am not happy with the side affect from the percs.... NOT at all!!!!!

In a drugged up state after barely opening my eyes in the recovery room after they shoot me with morphine I recall or did it I dream it that the nurse discharging me told me that the percs cause constipation.... hmmm... I do remember someone telling me this... but.... after constipation and after percs comes diahrea and because my body doesn't take drugs I think I pooped them all out for days..... a body cant do all that trauma, have the heart rate and breathing slowed right down, take all those foreign drugs with all those side affects, have constipation then diarrhea for days and still be expected to be normal.... I mean just look what happened to Michael Jackson... now I ask you is there any doubt on the planet that I would end up with hemorrhoids...

So now take the fact that I am feeling stronger every day, I have my doctors appt for Feb 16th at 4:30pm (might not be able to have it if we don't have the results) earlier then expected, I am eating healthy again, resting.. doing only a little bit at time and add this to the mix... I am not a happy girl... and worse... poor Ossie is going from drug store to drug store trying to find the right..... you guessed it drugs.... ok just give me a shot of morphine right in the butt and I will again be a happy girl...

Vicious vicious circle.... so today I am gonna visit with Yvette and Ann-Marie... enjoy their company while I try and sit on our hard leather furniture... I certainly did not decorate our home to suit a recuperating person..... but hey..... it could be worse... I could have to be at work with this... oh wait a minute my chair in the office is comfy............

Yesterday I did clear some clutter and get back on track... I have catching up to do... so here goes... all these items went to the office.. the ones that the ladies don't' want will go to the YWCA in Oshawa for the second stage housing.... I am making room because I am ordering a new bed set for my bed... so I do need to make some room... hey the linen closet today... ya that's the ticket..... anyone need a duvet?

#332
Told you I got back at it.... Loved this blazer.. it's like your quintessential boyfriend jacket.. great with jeans, slacks, long and short skirts with tights.... I have done my days in it....

#331

Loved this little all weather coat... the red is deeper then it looks really... it has the neatest buttons... hung in my closet for ummm I can't remember... time to pay it forward....

#330
Splash of green... wore this one alot with green shoes, green bag and green pants... love green... many people say they don't look good in green.. I don't believe that's true.. Green is a nice colour... and makes you feel springy....

#329
Warm up jacket.. I have never worn this - liked the colour... went through a phase where all I wanted to wear was exercise gear... walked alot, seemed to have more time then.... hmmmm come on spring.. I want to do that again.. not in this jacket.. brand spankin new.....

#328
Jammies.... you know how I love jammies... mom gave me these... they are flannel and I took the tags off them... I am sure my mother bought them, washed them and they shrunk so she gave them to me... she forgot the tags.. I don't really like flannel.. too hot.. they are cute though and new...

So you see, the Clearing the Clutter Challenge is back.. in full force.... so today we start with 5 tomorrow much much more....

Never a more true word spoken....

2011-02-07T14:18:00.003-05:00

OOOOH how I wish I could sleep!! Sleep like normal people... I remember when I was a teenager how I could sleep for 12 -14 hours and really sleep.... not this wake up every 20 minutes because my neck hurts, my back hurts, the leg is numb, the stitches are pulling, I am too hot, too cold or Ossie is snoring and I can hear him through my ear plugs...

It is not fair that he can just sleep... come home and fall asleep, go to bed at 9pm and be asleep by 9:05pm, sleep right through to 8:30am... the only reason he wakes is because the dog licks his ear to go outside....

Last night was brutal... I fell asleep about 1am, slept til 5am.. which was heaven... (don't think I didnt wake up a few times when I rolled over) then got up to pee, readjust my rock pillow for my horrible neck, reinsert my earplug, try and make sense out of my pile of covers, pull them on and off, on and off, lay on my left, lay on my right, think about how I need some Polysporin and other topical things that I shall not mention.... (remember the constipation.. well it has turned to the other side... ya the dark side...), think about my mom - how awesome she is, listen to mr snoring his head off next to me, try not to kick the dog... since he is 7lbs he would fly across the room.... I toss and turn, have a sip of water, ponder my taxes, my customer appreciation month in March, get pissed off and decide to get up..... all this and it's 7:30am and I fall into a sleep...

What's this 8:11am and the dog is licking my face... I reach over to hit Ossie to get up with him and he's gone... oh great..... I call out.. no answer... he is already downstairs which means he has already taken the pup out and has brought him back to bed with me... this used to be our routine.... great.. I get up and put the dog out of the room, go pee and Ossie comes back upstairs... I just want to sleep... he leaves and I lay there for another 45 minutes.... get your lazy butt up Tina....

Hey I should be healing right???? The body needs sleep.....

It's true.. tomorrow is another day... funny how when you wake up it is always today and yet we either put off or think about what we will do tomorrow... what happens when tomorrow becomes yesterday? Quickly fleeting... like the sands in an hour glass... slipping slowly... slowly slipping away... and tomorrow is yesterday...

Yesterday.... I had such great plans.... so many ideas of what to do.... clutter clearing, cooking, cleaning, showering, making beds, dusting, sweeping... business planning and the list goes on and on.... alas I did get a few items tried on and decided to pay them forward.... and then I had a shower... holy cow... I had a shower... no dressing.. just me and my steri strips and my stitches... I remember why now.... remember why they say to take it easy, dont reach too much, dont strain... holy cow lifting the arm to get the razor.... ummm ya... pullllllllllllllllllllllll..... ok what's this.. it's been 6 days.. will someone please tell me why this is such a big deal.. all they did was but alittle fat away..... come on.....

Ok so the rest of the day was spent in my chair... dressed though... yes I was dressed... hair quickly thrown together... then I noticed it needs cutting.. sorry Timm I did my trick.. twisted it ontop and cut it... not much.. just enough to make it stand on end....

Lia came to visit.. brought me a bag of goodies... chocolates which I ate... ass fatter...... but an amazing book of 40 amazing women called Fearless Women.. Fearless Wisdom... with Michelle Peavy on the cover... Michelle also gave me a gift of her CD.... wow... wow... you have to look this lady up.. well she is actually coming to speak at the POWE conference in April... she is from Houston and is amazing... I can't wait to meet her... simply amazing...... she also brought me a book of meditations and in the very first chapter I already learned something that was profound to me....

I will leave you with this nugget today..... I already know my paradyme - well one of them anyway.. which I refuse to put down..... think about a time when you would not put down your groceries to open a door.. being stubborn as we are and thinking we can do it... we work harder and sweat more as we try to open that door... and yet we refuse...

We, our ego... refuses to put down what we carry in order to open the door.. what can you relate this too.... today I will contemplate this... and take a bath.....

Item #334 above is a suede bag... never used it... bought it cause I thought it would be good for traveling... trying to carry more onto the plane and avoiding overages... ya... didnt ever use it.. too big for my frame... like it cause it's animal print but didnt use it...

Item #333 - not shown... I gave away a lovely black & clear crystal stretch bracelet on the cruise to Nancy.. she liked it... and you know as part of what I am doing this year... I want someone to enjoy things that I have enjoyed... I have the matching one at home.. so I gave it to her... I hope she enjoys it.....

Take 2 Percs x 40 and call me in 3 weeks...

2011-02-07T11:03:00.006-05:00

Ok, I have had it.... had it with all this laying around stuff, all this taking it easy, all this not doing anything... all this cupcake eating.....a girl on the go can only take so much rest....and sugar......
Last night I decided I was done... my girlfriend Val texts me in the morning (lives in Kelowna, BC) to tell me that she is watching me on TV.... in a movie that she said reminded her of me... Bette Midler (who is awesome) in a movie called That Old Feeling... and that I need a laugh and to watch it... she said she is me.... so I did...

As I sat through the third movie... don't get me wrong the first 2 movies were funny then Ossie decided he missed jolly ole England and purposely shopped Netflix for something British..... maybe it's true... although he loves Canada... maybe you just can't take the Brit out of the boy....... I got bored again.....

He downloads this British gangster documentary thing that was so borrrrrrrring..... big yawn..... biggggggger yawn........ I could hardly stand it... first off I could barely understand a word they were saying... like they were speaking in tongues.... and then, well I won't drag you through the agonizing moments of it... I tuned out.... I went to a happy place....

First, I started going over all the things I need to do at the office.... then my stomach knotted up because there are some things I just can't control right now nor can I do anything about so I decided to push past them and move onto something juicy.... like being well.... ahhh running through a meadow barefoot with the smell of lavendar tickling my nose.... wait a minute that's not it... like I would ever do that .... without stilettos on... come on.... truth is it was really hard to zone into something lovely right now..... but I, being made of tough stuff persevered.....

I started to think of all the lovely people in my life, my mom... my dad... my son... my baby (23 and a head of rocks) who on Saturday had a snowmobile accident... this boy..... oh he is ok all be it the 50 stitches in his calf.... from hitting a tree stump.... so I thanked God he is ok.... Thank you God..... my Ossie who went up to the kitchen all on his own and made me my fav soup... Italian wedding soup.. yummmm.....

Julia, came to see me (really to get cupcakes...) and brought me a princess wine glass and this awesome book... Pinkalicious.... it is about a little girl who eats too many pink cupcakes and turns pink... no her ass doesnt grow she turns pink... they call her Pinkerbelle.... I laughed my butt off.... what an awesome gift... how funny is that... how perfect is that.... I am grateful for her..... and my new name and word.... the word for the day is Pinkalicious.....

My mind wanders again to the fact I am done.... done with surgery.... done with this crap.... I am calling Dr. A today to make my appt... it's time he just tells me.... you are done.. get on with it... oooops it was a lump of rocks and nothing further needed.... get on your merry way and make sure women know to get mamograms.... get showered.... get dressed up... put on skirt..... high heels and go for a walk... to the end of your driveway..... go through your closet and continue your clearing..... clean up your mess..... sweep, wash the floors, cook something nutriciuos - vegetables and salad dear girl... Weight Watchers misses you... and those 6.2lbs you lost well now it's 15 or so you will probably need to lose to make it up....... finish that damn book will ya....... do that new business plan...... write that T&E blog...... prepare the customer appreciation month stuff.......download the cruise shots..... get the bloody taxes done... (oh ya really juicy and happy)..... wash your jammies.... do your hair... put on some makeup....... read those 6 Oprah magazines you have been saving..... yoga.... you can do it.. just dont stretch your arm too much....... meditate.... come on move your butt.....

ok ok I took the Christmas tablecloth off the dining room table today - does that count... I did the dishes.... I made eggs... hardboiled but I did it none the less... things are looking up... I wiped the counters and kicked Ossie out.... I think I am off to a good start today.....

I also decided that I will get back to clearing.... so the first item on the list on my road to recovery is.... big drumroll here...... you guessed it..... PINK CUPCAKES..... oh and they are Pinkalicious.... only 3 left so I sent them with Ossie...

#335 Pinkalicious pink cupcakes because my butt just can't take another one... it's bad when your jammies are screaming at the seams......

Onward and upward right????? well at least showered!!!!!

Hey where did yesterday go?

2011-02-06T10:07:00.003-05:00

What happens when you feel like you have been dragged through rocks... big rocks.. with jagged edges.... like your head is about to explode, your nose is on fire, raw and yet you still have to blow it or it will drip down the front of you, you are so dizzy you can't see straight in front of you - even putting on glasses doesn't straighten the room out..... your stomach feels like it is upside down, and your boob.. itches.... oh and top it all off with the fact that you are constipated.....

You go to bed.... you climb into your unmade disheveled pile of covers... draw your 6 pillow as close as you can and turn on the tv..... fill your night table with tissues, Vicks, lypsol, Aleve and 3 bottles of water.... pull those covers up as high as you can and lay there... all you have to do is breathe.... and flip the channel....

That was my day yesterday..... they (not quite sure who they are) that this is allowed.... that my body is crying for it... rest.. rest and rest somemore... well look here.. this is what happens when I rest.... I get sick!!!!!!!!!!!! rest = sick in my world.... it's when you sit still that the bugs get you.... If you keep going, keep on fighting - those nasty bugs can get you.... they get tired of chasing you, give up and move onto some other soul that sits still..... this has been my strategy and I let my guard down....

Is there a good time ever to get a cold.... NOPE!!! just a minute here...... I have never believed that til now... typically getting a cold is worse then surgery to me... but.... gotta tell ya... if there ever was a time... maybe this is it...... maybe they (when I figure out who they are I will tell you) are right here... maybe this is the best time... maybe God has this planned for me... make me so weak I can't even bath.. for fear of falling.... tell you what... he didnt take away my appetite... I still want cupcakes..... just one though not 12......

Today.... I woke up feeling better somehow... still crappy but better... maybe it's time to just suck it up, put on my big girl granny panties and get going.... I should have a shower today.. not sure I am allowed... but feeling like the bath just isnt cutting it... dont like that dry shampoo... stinks..... and just tired of hanging around... not sure what I think I can do... but know this... this is just not workin for me....

Maybe I will do the questions in Oprah mag this month and try and figure out just what I want to do with my life from tomorrow on... maybe I will boss Ossie around.. laundry needs doing.... ahhh maybe I will just chill again, climb back into my bed and watch the shopping channel..... ya that's the ticket..... shopping therapy....

Read mom's inspirational quote today.. every day I pick one out of the box she gave me.. how cool is that... I am going to pay this forward for sure.. awesome gift... today's quote is so for me... reaction... hmmm reaction to boredom....

Tomorrow is a new day.... I will be better tomorrow... right????? well??????

When is post-surgery finished???

2011-02-05T10:43:00.004-05:00

I like this picture... Ossie and I on the formal night on the cruise... all about the pink....

It wasnt surgery I had it was a mack truck hitting me head on, throwing me 50ft in the air and dropping me face first into a field of rocks.... last week I was fighting a cold... I knew it... I knew it... knew that if I got a cold they may not do the surgery... so I fought it... not with drugs because I wasnt allowed to take anything... but with my mind.. yup my strong mind....

Yesterday, I felt the familiar tickle in my nose... you know the one that is there but isnt really.. the one that makes you think you are gonna sneeze... so here I am looking straight into light bulbs and the wee bit of sun shining through the windows... thinking please let this be dust... but by late afternoon it's not... it's a cold... my nose hurts because I have blown it oh 1000 times... my eyes are watering....

My cupcakes were delivered.. I didnt get to meet Mandy.. I went up to have a hot bath.. Ossie answered the door and was met with a surprise.. they were paid for ... someone had paid for my cupcakes... how sweet.. who could that be.... I bet it was Jenn... Ossie says Mandy is just a young thing... nice girl... imagine... brain cancer and having to support yourself going through chemo too... imagine... but.... I will tell you the cupcakes are fabulous... I will order them for everyone!!!

Enough cupcakes and crap now... I need to get on with this... need to fill up on vitamin C... veg, fruit and echinecea... enough crap already... no more drugs... the incision started to get itchy last night in bed... scratched over the tape... didnt really help.. couldnt feel it anyway.. kinda numb...

Saturday... whooopeeee....here I sit in my jammies - cause I dont care to get dressed; hair not done - I tried that waterless shampoo - my hair stinks now; my eyes swollen and watering - burning like hell as I rub them; my nose is red and raw - only blowing it every few seconds; headache cause I need to poop - ya ya hot water and lemon... yuck!; ears are crackling - blocked from stuff running down my throat all night; chewing down vitamin C.... dry as a fart; boob itchy inside and can't scratch it or I will rip the stitches out; just thinking how one short week ago I was in the sunshine... being served, laying in the sun... living in my bathing suit... makes me contemplate how quickly time flys.... and wonder if our nails do indeed grow faster in warmer weather... only 3 weeks ago and my toe nail polish needs doing again.....

So today, I think I will feel sorry for myself and accept my Princess Pissy crown... and just do a alot of nothing... sometimes it's ok to do nothing... this is what they tell me... who are they anyway.. and what are they really doing with their lives... nothing??? nothing????

I really should get into my closets and clear out that clutter.... ok don't get all self-righteous on me..... I will get to it..... ya maybe later I will do something... like... eat dinner.....

Day 3 Post Surgery... I should be ready to rock ya?

2011-02-04T09:29:00.006-05:00

What happens when you take a busy mind attached to a body that just went through a surgery? You get an inner struggle in the same house.. the mind thinks it can do whatever it could before surgery and he body goes wait a minute I am too pooped to party.....

Me... is it the drugs or just my broken rememberer.. not sure if this is Costa Rica, Panama or Columbia... how bad is that.......

I wake up every 2 hours right on the half hour.. uncomfortable, irritable and gotta pee... constipated like you would not believe... who knew percs did that.. not me... I did drop down to 1 every 4 hours yesterday instead of 2 come on.... so now through the night even though I woke up I only took one at 5:30am... so that was from 8:30pm last night... but............... I will share that it is uncomfortable...

I am allergic to the tape they use and of course I forgot to tell them before they put the guide wire in... and sure enough... my entire boob looks like a war zone... a map of connect the dots to the incision..... not just where they cut into it but all around the poor thing... so last night it was leaky... yup... I am sharing here... so I ripped off the dressing and there it was... all yucky - the steri-strips staring back at me... swollen, bloody and concaved.... weird... he cut in above the nipple and it appears to be over an inch long.... with a second cut about an inch away from that one...

Ossie has a fit, yells at me to leave it alone... I hold open my pj top and stare down... moving it all over the place so I can get a good look... Ossie yells... his knees are going weak... too funny... I find some gauze and a big bandage and tape her back up... but I have areas that are raw and hurt like hell from the tape... I have been scratching too so that isnt gonna be pretty...

I had a nice hot bath last night while Ossie made dinner.... oh the little things we take for granted... changed my pj's too..... can't have a shower yet but wait I remember getting this dry shampoo from Timm - hmmm gonna check that out today and see how that works...

You know that state where you are inbetween reality and floating... it's the only way I can explain how I am feeling... you know that last glass of wine that put you over the edge and the feeling you have... ya well that's not it.... lol.... this is more like being aware of every little thing around me but not being able to touch it really...... since Dr A didnt come into the room after I woke up I can't help but wonder... does that mean that there was nothing there.... does it mean that everything is ok.... I am gonna hang onto that... the results are gonna come back in 3 weeks saying clear.. nothing there..... it was a 1.3cm lump of fat.... scar tissue... something totally useless that means nothing... right???? yup that is what I am gonna hang on to.... nothing further and cause for celebration...

I have the cupcake lady coming today... Mandy... has brain cancer and is having chemo... she makes cupcakes to supplement her income because she can't work of course... she calls it Cupcakes for Cancer... $10 for 6...... yummmm.... I want to help her out... I want some cupcakes too.. it's a win win... my ass is gonna be huge before I get back at it.... remember that 6.2lbs I lost... ya well..... I am gonna look like a big fat pink cupcake soon.....

If you want to help someone out order cupcakes from Mandy and tell her you got her name from me... she lives in Bowmanville and delivers.. can you imagine that.... her email is o_connormandy@hotmail.com.....

I want to thank you all for giving me your ear... for letting me know you are listening... and I appreciate your support.. what I know for sure... the power of support, prayer and love makes our world a better place.. spreading kindness and caring one person at a time does make a difference... This blog is theraputic for me... important for me to share this process... these feelings and to have it documented.... whatever the outcome...

Today I slack again... maybe tomorrow I will feel like going back into the closet and digging out some clutter... I have lots believe me... lots... and need to catch up.. so just wait one of these days there is going to be a landslide... Yesterday Sharmila visited and brought cupcakes... today I wait for cupcakes and Julia.... all is well on this cold Friday morning....

(it is Friday right???)

Day 2 Post Surgery......

2011-02-03T10:08:00.004-05:00

Look at this gorgeous couple... are they not the cutest with matching outfits... for me this is a rule.... I like this pic even with my big fat arm in there.... I am so critical of myself... gotta get back on the WW track and continue... few more weeks before I can return.. so that 6.2lbs I lost... well I am sure I gained it back plus 270 more.....

Slacking today.. feeling dizzy and in alittle pain.. taking only 1 perc instead of 2 and spacing them out alittle further apart... don't like the feeling I get on them... please tell me why people like to be high all the time... I have this weird side affect - not sure if it is the percs or from the anesthetic - I stop breathing... I remember having it before when I had my hsyterectomy in 2000 (the second one that is) I breath in normally I think... when does one pay attention to normal every day breathing except when doing yoga..... and then I stop there... stop and almost like hold it and gasp... this is happening unconciously and freaking me out alittle... not sure if this is normal or not but at night when I should be sleeping it is waking me up as I gulp in air.... I will wait another day or so to see if it goes away with the percs as I come off them....

My mind wanders to drug addicts.... as I wonder..... if you smoke a joint the rush comes with dry mouth and the overwhelming desire to eat... anything and everything that doesnt move... and you float... I get it.... but when you do perscription drugs the high is different... shakey, dizzy, dry mouth, trouble staying awake and when the body becomes used to them no more rush.... what is wrong with this pic... is it the fear of being in pain... hmmmm... dont you just have to keep taking more and more after you become immune to them to help with the pain... from where I sit right now.. not liking this and want to get it over and done with NOW... I just dont get the big desire to do drugs...... so today I start to slowly get myself off of them.....

Day 2 post surgery and I am already feeling bored and guilty.. I can write and get to my book today cause my eyes can focus alittle better.... walking still takes a wall beside me cause I am still shakey and unsteady on my feet... I told Ossie to go to the office today... I can manage.. I can open a tin of soup - he put it out into a pot on the stove for me... its all good.. I have my Kuerig coffee machine and loaded up on yummy coffees so it's all good... what more can a girl ask for...

The boob is still swollen and sore but hey it is only day 2.. right.... right.... I am so impatient.. I want it all and I want it now... I want to get to work on Stilettos and finding the space for my Full Life Care Centre and get moving but here I sit... pink robe on, pink ring, pink bracelet... jammies on and a path between me in the living room and kitchen and bathroom....

What does a person who can't sit still do... can't do yoga, can't go for a walk, can't even really make the bed... how much reading do you think I will be able to do.. Here is a clue for you about me... I have 6 issues of Oprah unopened on my dresser waiting for me to have a minute to read them... 6 of them and Ossie shook his head as I bought the latest one the night before the surgery.. saying are you kidding... you think you will read it... hmmm how about the 10 books beside the bed you just had to have and havent even opened... I have the Cancer Vixen book mom bought me beside me.. I will read alittle of it today... should I read it.... I dont have cancer... the dark invader is gone... cut out now... should I even read it cause wont that be giving into the C word???

Yesterday, I saw everything in a healthy positive light... was it the drugs.. hmmm today I am wondering why the surgeon never came into recovery to tell me anything after the surgery or even went out to speak with Ossie and Julia.... just to say "hey everything went well and looks clear....." clear... that's the word I want to hear.... empty clear and done....... maybe too much time on my hands to think.... Day 2 Tina.. Day 2.......

Ok enough already... I am boring me with this crap... lets get a move on and do something productive... like?????????? no idea what.... what can this girl do....

Last night I was thinking.... how blessed I am, how very lucky I am to have so many people praying for me.... so many people sending me messages of hope and prayer... I believe in the power of our maker, my God..... I believe that he heard you and you and me.... I believe that he was overwhelmed with the prayers for me... that I must be doing something good on this planet he created and that I can't be sick... I dont feel sick... dont call me sick (ask Ossie I ripped his head off when he says anything that refers to me being sick....) I believe that those prayers have helped.... In fact I know that they have... I believe he has given Dr A the talent and Dr A made the effort and took the entire dark invader out... leaving nothing behind to treat.... I believe that he heard you...... and me...... and this is it!!! I believe that God gave me my talents and that I now need to put forth the effort and the strength to go make my goals happen... to help others....

I could go back to the closet and find another item to clear but not today..... today I think being lazy and hanging out here is my best bet... hey I have the new Avon book... love to look at the Avon book... with all the stuff I dont need... hmmm I did clear out a few items didnt I... to invite more of what I want into my life.... ya.... more travel less stuff.....

Today, let's chill together.. lets stay in the moment and change what we can.. lets be cognicant of what we can change, what we are choosing at this moment and now this one..... lets feel happy only today.... no I am not sharing the drugs... you have to choose it... I have to choose positive and let the healing properties of pink do their work....

I have added a juicy new positive comment to the blog on the right hand side... my amazing mother whom many know and if you dont.. trust me get to know her.. she is wise, loving, caring and everyone's mom... she would love to hear from you... add her on FB Ellie Tureck.. tell her Tina told you to add her.. she is just learning this FB thing... it's funny but she loves to learn about other people and help them if she can with whatever she can... she gave me a gift like no other... a box full of small folded pieces of paper that she wrote inspirational quotes on... she didnt buy these she made them.... how fabulous is that..... I added a column so that I can share these words of wisdom every day with you as well...

Day 2 has just begun......

Aftershock...

2011-02-02T11:30:00.004-05:00

I know I should be sleeping... I was up most of the night... I kept waking myself up every time I breathed in and would feel myself falling and hear the biggest sound you have ever heard before... me sucking in... almost like I would forget to breath and then gulp in the biggest amount of air ever.... is the meds, the anestetic or me fearing I wont wake up... ya could be all of it...

Look at those two hot girls in this pic... do we look um 35? I know I know Julia is older so I look 35 and her 36...... this was taken on the cruise on the last night.....

They say that anestetic takes 2 full years to get out your body... and 48 hours of dizziness... oh wait I am dizzy anway.... I have no patience for this at all... I feel like my gut in knoting up and gonna stay that way... ya ya not even 24 hours yet.. I know...

but.... who has time to sit around and nothing only 17 hours after surgery... hey this could be the countdown to perfect health again instead of counting down to surgery.... ya smart chick I am..

Here I sit in my fav chair with my pink bracelet on, pink ring... see the rings Julia and I bought while on the ship? She did indeed put them back on me in recovery... how awesome is that... I love this pic and had to share it with you... at the risk of sounding mushy, my gf Julia Caron is not only a woman who is smart, gorgeous, sexy, stylish, loving, caring, funny, vivacious, classy but she is my friend... Friends... who knew that 33 or so years ago our paths would cross then to go about our own lives after highschool only to reunite a mere short 7 years ago but turn into the closest of friends... I am so blessed... to have her in my life... I can't wait to see what new chapters of our lives we will explore together....

Ossie just went outside to shovel after making me breakfast and of course German chocolate coffee yummmmmmm....... and between our doors was a lovely pink bag (all about the pink right now) with black polka dots on it... I love polka dots.... he brought it in and guess who it is from.... you got it Julia... I sit here in a lovely pink robe with hearts on it... snug as a bug in a rug... and new jammies... black (my fav colour) with pink hearts all over them.... inside was a pink crystal bead for our Pandora bracelets.. matching of course.. Julia bought these for us on the cruise... I am weepy today feeling so loved by her...

So the dark invader.... he is gone.. sitting in some petri dish in some fridge in a lab somewhere I suppose... ready to be sliced up paper thin so the pathologists can really do their jobs... funny thing... I dont even care right now what they have to say.... I am itchy all over not sure if from the meds again or the anestetic... scratching red raw... and had to put the bra on.... I am allergic to the white tape they use so yesterday after they inserted the line which by the way was horrible... the Dr who inserted it said that the dark invader was as hard as rocks... because... while he tried to insert it into the boob the needle bent in half... the nurse said well scar tissue can be that hard.. he said not that hard.... he froze the area but I felt it all... OMG did it hurt.. the pushing hard on one side of the boob while her holding the ultrasound gun in place on my boob and him jamming that needle in.. ok done... Thank God I will be out for the surgery... they taped it up... her asking me I see you are allergic to the tape... yup I am... she said dont worry you go to OR now.... ya from 10:30am til 3:30pm I wait and now you should see under my arm and my boob from the tape.... just call me scratchy... I think I will need to cut my nails so I dont cut myself...

Off I go into the OR and the anethesiologist taps everywhere to find a vein and of course I already know good luck to him... so in the hand it goes.... he asks me if I like rum and coke... not really - vodka martini is my poison (along with red wine) he then gives me my cocktail of antinausea along with the drug to put me out... Dr A puts the oxygen mask on and jokes about Michael Jackson paying big bucks for this stuff..... the OR room is laughing and feels ok....

I wake up not puking all over the place... this was the best wake up after surgery I have ever had... I am a pro at this after having 6 prior surgeries and more then 15 laprascopies....

I immediately reach down and feel my boob.. it's still there and well twice the size it should be... geeeee wrong way... I wanted the invador out not an implant.. guys... what's this... Swollen....

So here I sit, nauseous, pink jewerly on, pink robe and new baby blue jammies... wanting to come down from the drugs.. just took my stupid pills now cause the pain is starting again....

Sharing 2last pics with you... the Durham East meeting of POWE yesterday... the ladies all wore pink... wow.... and one of me waiting for the or room.... here I am not pissy yet... but just after I was ready to pull our the wire and run.... but I didnt... Princess Rock Star stayed and braved it out....

So you ask what my clutter item is today... well it's the gorgeous designer outfit I had on in this pic, the matching blue booties and had and of course The Dark Invador..... gone.... gone for ever.... hope in 3 weeks that when I go for results he says done... done..... done forever..... no further treatment necessary except for mamogram and ultrasound every 6 months.... ya???? ya.........

I want pink cupcakes in the worst way... I woke up from surgery wanting them... Ossie just left to get them... so Princess Pissy needs some sweetening up here...

No more Sleeps... Strange Calmness.... Armour up and Ready to Fight!

2011-02-01T08:37:00.003-05:00

#336.... love this little halter top.. but when I put it on... well its just not me anymore.. it's cute, dressy and it's time to pass it on...

I woke up feeling strangely calm.... what is that all about.... hmmmmmm.... I know... because today is the day.. I leave the house for the last time with this freeloader in my boob and I return a new woman... maybe it will weigh 1lb and I will lose 1 of the 200 I gained on the cruise...

Made the bed, check... bought my new pj's... check.... (only 1 pair though), many flavours of coffee in house, check.... dog at moms, check...... ready to rock...

No makeup on.... hair done.... pink scarf and purse... ready to go... I am ready....

Calm today.. what is this.. yesterday I cried all day and all night... couldnt stop... I moved a fork and cried.... after the funeral and the amazing supportive emails I recieved... I dont know... I just kept saying weird.. well today is weirder - is that a word? I am sure....positive that Dr. A is going to get it all and leave me with a clean bill of health... positive the results are gonna come back saying done... yup done... you dont have to do another thing.... we removed all the tissue and guess what you are clear and free as a bird... now go live your intense life...

Intense... I decided yesterday that was how I was going to describe myself today... intense...

last night a long time friend sent me a text to say she and her mother saw me at Eva's funeral and how awesome I looked... her mom said I looked like a movie star... how fab is that... a movie star... well this movie star has many more roles to star in....

I woke up with a new sense of who I am today... intense, movie star starring in the role of her life... I have a choice you know... I dont have to do that.. I could leave it for 6 months and redo all this then.... Well, umm nope... I get to choose the roles I want to star in and this one... however yucky it might be... I choose it..... intense.....

Today....... I go fast forward into the operating room with my leading man... Dr. A.... big strong smart and nice looking to boot... what more could a movie star ask for....

I have 2 giant reasons for being here... and I am not done yet... life is sweet and gonna get sweeter... my Justin's wedding this year... Stilettos for the Cure.. a new sense of drive for me.... my senior and wellness centre... my Zak... maybe by the end of the year someone will give me the Christmas present of telling me that I am gonna be a gramma... Ossie and I traveling... enjoying each other... who knows... what other leading roles I am about to take on.... what I will leave behind and who I will be tomorrow....

I leave this blog today with a pic of my baby boys.... my lights... my joy.... wear pink today for me.... wear pink for all the amazing women before me.... wear pink for the ones that didnt have a choice... the ones going through the fight of their lives as we speak... the ones with small kids laying on the couch.... the ones that didnt make it.... the mother's, sisters, daughters, girlfriends... wear pink.... and at noon today... together... say a word to our maker for them, for yourself and for me..... and damn it... dont wait.. get your bloody mamogram for your life.... xoxo

10 Feet Tall (in stilettos) & Bullet Proof Right?? Right??

2011-01-31T07:30:00.002-05:00

#337 these lovelies came away on the cruise... they are a lovely pewter colour with strips of silver sequins..... I bought them and wore them once for the POWE Mardi Gras night before a conference.... I remember then how I loved them and how they hurt my feet.....

As I pulled them out of the closet, I was thinking how they hurt and how this time... one more time I would try to wear them and see if something had changed... ya right... 30 maybe 40lbs more.. I dont know... somehow magically these fat little swollen feet are gonna fit in differently, I even put new heel pads on.. cause you know they may scrape there and lets be prepared... put in new cushions so that as I walk I am at least walking on little pillows of air... not that my toes jammed into the ends would feel any better.. but.... lets give it one more try...

Brought the matching purse, the jewelry.. the lovely black dress... put it all on and saved the shoes for last.. looking down at the 2 swollen hunks of meat that I know are my feet cause of the pink nail polish... thinking ok I can do it... I can do it... come on this will be our going away last night.... I slide one foot in... who am I kidding... I jam in the right one.. ouch.. squish.. pinch... then I jam in the left one... OMG this hurts worse then childbirth... why in the hell would anyone do this.. why in the hell have I spent my life wearing shoes that pinch and squeeze... vanity dear girl... vanity..... I am pathetic when it comes to shoes and what I think I should look like...

Times they be a changin.... so dear Julia..... she tried them on and guess what.. they fit... they are hers.. she wont let them get to the Stilettos for the cure... oh so many shoes so little time..... Are you kidding I am just beginning... truth is I will not wear old lady shoes... I will forever wear high heels... I told Ossie, If something should happen to me... promise me... you will dress me in the nicest black outfit you can find, wearing all my jewerly... yes all of it..... make sure every finger has a ring on it.... earrings... oh yes.. the sexiest ones you can find... and bury me with a designer bag... lastly ensure that you can see my feet... wearing the sexiest, highest pair of stiletto Jimmy Choos you can find.... Minolo... ok.... give me the proper send off.... I want to meet my maker in stilettos..... oh ya baby!!!!

So here is the dilemma.... should I wear my new Guess watch, all my jewelry and my high heels to the hospital on Tuesday.... OMG no makeup.... this wont be pretty... dark glasses and a hat...
Julia you need to ensure you put my earrings back on before we leave the recovery room... remember you promised... always lipstick and rings.. our pink one with our pink bracelet.....

1 more sleep to go... am I scared... you bet your ass I am...... today I have an appt with Dr. A... my surgeon... where x will mark the spot.... then off to the funeral .... I should wear very little mascara today though... weird.. weird.... life marches on doesn't it... like the dust you wiped from your glass table today... life can change in a instant.. well tomorrow.... after I wake up from the surgery (unless I chicken out.... and run like hell as fast as my high heels will carry me... away from the scene... away to where... ok ok the dark invader will not leave me til they cut it out tomorrow...) I will go under praying they get every little bit of it... pray with me... think of me at around 10:30-11am ish.... I expect to count down to 99 and be out....

Who will I be when I wake up???? Not the same person that wrote this blog.... who will she be - I have no idea.... what I know for sure... my guts are in a knot.... I am not sure I am ready for this..... not sure I even really want to do it... and not sure it is really happening to me... but.... this is your life sweetheart... so princess suck it up, put on your big girl granny panties, take the brave face out of the drawer beside the bed, paste it on and get your ass going...

I need to share one last thing... today is a long one I know.. but shit... when I looked at my sister in law laying there in her casket... the toughest, strongest woman I know... what she went through in her 59 years and now gone.. in the blink of an eye... gone... without her consent... without her even knowing... without a choice.... not only do I get weepy for her, for her kids, for her grandkids, for my ex-husband but I get scared... scared because I did give consent... today I do have a choice... is this the right thing... I have no way of knowing... scared... oh ya sista... oh ya..... ok head up, high heeled armour on..

ten feet tall and bullet proof right????? right?????? right???????

This one is for the girl! Girlfriends are so important!!!

2011-01-30T12:34:00.003-05:00

Starting fresh today with my Clearing the Clutter Challenge 2011. I made a commitment to myself that I would do 1 item a day for the entire 365 days in 2011... well I forgot the cruise was in there so I have some catching up to do..

I also didn't count on a big fat surgery to get in the way.... Last night I went to bed.... thinking of going to the funeral home today... to celebrate my sister in laws life... she was one of the toughest, strongest women I knew... when the going got tough and it did for her she just fought back harder and was stronger for it... like my mother in law (who wore Chanel #5...) she was wise and just knew the answers to things... why... because that woman had been through so much in her 59 years... wow many would crack under the pressure.. not Eva she just learned, kept positive and kept going...

2 weeks ago she read my blog, found out what was going on with the dark invader and me and read the one I wrote talking about her mother and she sent me a lovely note... to say stay strong and giving me positive advice and to enjoy my Chanel #5.... agreeing with me about missing her mother... then bang... she is gone too...... wow... one just never knows... this has strengthened my conviction to just live every single day and enjoy the moment....

Today, I woke up scared to death about Tuesday.. ok this is real isnt it... ok I am gonna cancel this freakin surgery cause this is not real..... this is not happening to me... up to now I have been going through the motions and not really thinking this is really happening... today it hit me... my stomach dropped and I think I will speak to the surgeon tomorrow - maybe they dont really need to do this surgery.. maybe I am making this up... maybe it's just not real...

So, as per usual Julia and I are texting back and forth... I tell her about being afraid and there she is right there with just the right thing to say... I keep busy unpacking and cooking breakfast for my kids who are here cause we are going to the funeral home this afternoon..... but this knot in my gut just wont go away...

Julia, my friend... says relax and stay busy.... she changes the subject like she can do so that I think about something else.... she is coming to the hosp with Ossie and I and will be there in recovery with me.... how great is that.. how blessed am I..

When we were away, Julia and I bought matching pink saphire bracelets... you should hear this story... $900 bracelets and I got the guy down to $160 each... I can negotiate eh.... lol..... and we bought a pink ring as well... matching ones... our PINK POWER rings.... Julia is going to put these back on my in recovery.... how awesome is that..... that is out connection...

This pic includes 4 items... gorgeous burgundy silk scarf, purse and shoes... sunglasses... just cheapies but cute with the entire set... (the missing pieces are the gloves.... I tried them on today and like them Julia....) I look horrid - just horrid in burgundy and Julia, well she looks amazing!! simply gorgeous in burgundy.... I bought all these lovelies in London, England and you guessed it wore them once.... cause I look horrid.. except the gloves.... hmmm Julia not sure I am ready to give up those lovelies yet.... they go up the arm and are far enough from my face you know... I will think about it....

Items #341- 338
These lovelies are for my lovely friend Julia who I am so blessed to have been reunited with only 7 years ago.... thank you doll for all that you are and all you do for me...... I love you much xoxox

Out of the Loop and big catching up to do!!

2011-01-29T13:26:00.002-05:00

Back.... you know going away is always good for the soul... good for what the body needs right?
Well have I got a story for you...

so off to airport we go... way too much baggage in hand on Jan 15th... my bags were about to explode with guess what..... ya shoes, purses and jewelry..... for what .... well every night I had to look good right...... lol....

Day started off with that wicked snow storm, not sure how we will get there now.. my son can't drive his car now.... off we go in ours...

Get up to the ticket counter and Ossie needs a visa to go to the US.... he is a landed immigrant in Canada using his UK passport... so now I give him the look.... told you, you need to become a Canadian after 13 years... this will be the last time we do this..... he agrees... well I start to cry cause they are not letting us go.... nope.... we need that visa.. and guess what... the internet is down in the airport so not like we can even just go online....
I cry more... cry for the trip that I want so badly and for the fact that I am having surgery... ok so I am a big baby... I know.... I can't even speak now...

The Air Canada staff take pity on me and she gets a manager who takes Ossie to his office and they do the visa... yeh!!!

Ossie was so upset by all of this, and he gets upset when I cry.... he told the manager about me and my dark invader and the surgery and when they got back... to the ticket counter where I was standing cause they would not let me go... they were so nice..... I had no idea he did that...

Through the gates we went and on the other side we were paged... we thought OMG what now... and when we got up the counter they told us we are now in Business Class that the manager had upgraded us.. can you imagine... it was lovely...

Air Canada really is the best airline to fly with... can you imagine.. what a gift.... I was so humbled and blessed... how lovely is that..... so the next time we fly.. guess who we are flying with no doubt!!

We only flew home last night... in Ft Lauderdale yesterday waiting for the plane I finally got onto my laptop and there on Facebook I get an email... an email that simply says " Tina did you know Eva died Wednesday?" Eva my sister in law..... died Wednesday... are you kidding... I find out on Facebook.... are you kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG..... why... I just talked to her before we went away... this is the strongest women I know... she held it all together always... what are you talking about she isnt even 60.. turning 60 in March... what... what the hell happened...

Mel let me use her Ipad to call via Skype... gotta get me that.... and my mom said.... she hit her head... hit her head... and they took her off life supports on Wed... what... she hit her head.... brain bleed.... life support.... are you kidding... funeral Monday, surgeon Monday..... ok I can do this...

We arrive home... wicked headache the phone rings it's Ossie's sister Tina from England... his mom is in the hospital - not good... not even sure what it is... he may need to fly there.. what are you kidding.... no way............... OMG.... surgery, funeral... his mom.... Ossie's mom.......

We were supposed to come home and unpack, rest and relax for 2 days, grocery shop before work and surgery.... are you kidding me.......................

Ok, what is this all about............... what do you make of all this....

ok should I be selfish here and keep focused on this surgery or what do I do... no I go to the funeral home for Dennis tomorrow, for my son - his aunt... her sons and then funeral Monday...

What do we do... does Ossie fly to England... what would I do... he is torn... me surgery Tuesday... his mom... I can only think of my mom... what would I do.. this is a major decision....
not sure what to do... waiting for Tina to call....

I need to unpack and do laundry and grocery shop.... I need to still prepare... I need some clothes for a funeral Monday and I need to see my surgeon on Monday... I may need to book a flight.... for a minute... for a minute I thought about cancelling the surgery... I did... I really did.....

hmmm my way out... ya maybe......

Happy to be home with my puppy.... he had fun at nanny and pappas....
Ok starting tomorrow I continue my Clearing the Clutter Challenge.... hmmmm brought home a few little goodies... jewerly mostly... lol...

Grocery shopping, snow... cold.... oh how I miss the sun and 20000 degree weather....

Sniffing my way through......

2011-01-20T06:00:00.001-05:00

#342
Sweet Pea.... sniff sniff from Bathy and Body Works.... you know that lovely little American shop that sells the most incredible smells... well I bought it and never used it... so someone else needs it I am sure... it does smell very sweet....

I love perfumes... they are so feminine.. and when a woman passes by you and you catch a slight sniff of her perfume.. there is something delightful that is unique to her...

we are cruising and soaking up the vitamin D.....

ok so the shoe auction... the fundraiser... Stilettos for boobs... lol I mean Stilettos for a cure... how are you coming with choosing those perfect shoes... writing a story about the shoes and dropping them off at the powe office?????

I am so looking forward to a girls night out with as many girls as can be there... you know what.... support is everything.. feeling the love, the presense will cure....

What I know for sure is that the more the better... Tamara Mckee is putting this evening together.. little black dresses... something pink.... pink martinis and loads of girl fun... help us rock it... check it out on facebook.... to get in the fun...

Get ahold of Tamara Mckee she is on my facebook and help her please... she is working her butt off and needs all the help she can get... this will be so much fun!!!!!

next!

South America sailing away!

2011-01-19T06:00:00.004-05:00

#343
SHI perfume and lotion.... hmmm smells so sweet...

Day 3 of the vacation.... this was so needed.... dark invader is being treated to a great vacation but maybe he will be pickled and shrivel up and die!!!!! that would be amazing wouldnt it...

I am not gonna think about this at all right now... just gonna enjoy all the amazing things life has to offer.... seeing the world... that is what is important right now.. chillin with friends and loving life...

You only have one... I only have one... and when I get back... well.....

Not sure.......how many times over the next 2 weeks I will have the chance to write in my blog... dont' forget about me.... I will go to the computer room on the ship if I have something big to share... otherwise..... I will be back at it on the 29th....

oooooh we have lots to share friends....
dont forget to email Tamara Mckee.... help her with the Stilettos for Boobs... oh again Stilettos for a Cure.... help her please
xoxxoxo